31st

Tis 01.29am. Tis officially the last day of the year.

And y'know what this year has been shit.

Rip Twiglet.

I miss him..

Ow :(

I cut my leg shaving and it hurts!

Tomorrow I'm working at 9am o.o I have to leave the house at 8.20 ish which means waking up at 7.45 which means bed in a minute!

Afterwards I'm gunna go to TC and get Zoh and Ellie a new head collar each and some pads to wear under bandages. Which means coming home..I need to go past the village store and towards Barbs instead of heading homeward.

And then I'm back again in the afternoooon where I think I'll get Zoh and Ellie in for haylage before going home or meeting mum at the yard heh

So now for bed, I'm mildly tired and ow my leg is throbbing -.-

yawn

i am so tiiiiiiiiired but i dont have to wake up in the morning, yay.

we got some pics of the "boys" aka Zoh/Jaff in their christmas gifts today.

and i remembered i had a name plate for smell for christmas and the only thing she said in response was "it smells funny". yeah cheers.

i like to think i put some thought into gifts, like i know smell didn't feel jaff's stable was really his own, hence the name plate.
twig isn't doing so well so i got mum a keyring plaited out of his tail hair.
dad loves the two ronnies so i got him two dvd's about them.

i sometimes wonder if my family knows me at all, y'know? it's crap sometimes.

today i bucket cleaned Zoh's feet. that might not seem like anything major...but zoh's scared of buckets..and water lol. he was really good, barely moved at all and ignored the fact i was cleaning most of the way up his socks.

Christmassssss

Today was Christmas. It was...Christmass-y.

Was a good day for the most part minus the fact I've spent the majority of the day in pain. First my spine this morning and then my knee this evening.

Inside it was the usual insane affair. Izz struggled a fair amount but made it through with only one major.."mishap".

And good cheesus I'm tiredddd like..I have my eyes closed and I'm practically asleep now lol

Stuff and..more stuff.

So I spoke to the M's owners and I doubt anything will change. We might be going back in Feb so if nothing has changed we'll be contacting the RSPCA and getting them to enforce changes.

Work at Haresfoot has been fine, got paid today, £28, pretty handy. I owe Mick like 60 though :P Uhm, we opened Haylage for the horses yesterday, it smells AWESOME and Zoh's eating "damp" instead of "utterly dripping". It was pissing down when we went to get them in and Zoh was stood in the middle of the field, tail tucked under and butt to the window and he's turned and galloped toward the others who were in the hedge and made it 3/4 of the way before spinning on a sixpence and putting his butt back to the wind with a horrified look on his face because he got wet.
Moose was shivering, so she got sweat scrapered and I put her medium weight on and she had some haylage which she REALLY didn't want to leave. I wish we could bring them in now, but Twig needs his bed overhauling and they need to come in as late as possible aaaand we have to make double his feed PLUS brekkie which is breakfast plus hay -.- He has to eat a shit tonne.

Uhm, Barb's tomorrow have to poo pick twiceeee. Fun -.-

I had wonky internet, hence no posting and stuff. mmhmm.

Today is Monday.

It is Monday. (Technically Tuesday)
And y'know what. I'm exhausted. Tomorrow is my last day working w/ the M's and I'm sad, I love Minnie esp. But I also have a list of things I need to talk to her owners about. Like, Molly is thin and needs worming. They're in too long w/ too little feed. Millie's door doesn't shut. Need proper fencing in the field. Millie has a loose shoe. Need water in the field/stable EVERY day regardless. Need better flooring in the stables esp.

There is more, but I forget.

I'm as nonconfrontational as it gets. I'm really not looking forward to telling him...Rachel says if they aren't willing to make changes I need to contact the RSPCA and let them inform them of the changes that need making.

Hahahaha it would be more hygenic if they had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.

I'm cool.

fuhognwuognv

I did my TC.

Iz was out beforee and spoke to a fair few people. Sorry to those she spoke to if she was rude or something. Love y'all.

I'm so apple pie.

Puzzle Pieces

You know when someone says something and a string of events fall into place? Then you realise that damn, I wish I hadn't found that out.

Yeah. I wish I hadn't found that out.

I'm pretty sure I set myself up for disappointment.
Like, I do things I know will upset me because it won't go how I planned it and I feel this mix of disappointment and guilt that I couldn't get it to work how I wanted.

I'm pretty sure I do it on purpose without realising? Like I realise when I look back but at the time..it just seems the natural response, y'know?

Tomorrow I have work at the M's (Mollie, Minnie, Millie) and I also have Barb's...and because I lack the ability to be in two places at once. Mum is doing Barb's for me and I'm going to the M's :P. I'm driving myself..at 9am on a Saturday through Berko high street O.O

I feel bgtfrhejhubgiywfwkhbgferigfbk-y. That is all.

Sleeeeeeeeeep

I am in serious need of it. I feel like I haven't slept in a week. No jokes. Work is BRUTAL.

AND! I freakin' electricuted myself on the fencing -.- it hurt. But I have another job :P
Working with horses, 10.50 a day 5 days a week.

I have back ache, I want to sleep and I feel...something unhealthy.

Mmhmm.

Oh fuck it.

I'm icky. My insides feel disgusting and I wish they didn't.
I hate how I can go from feeling meh to utter shit.

Fuck.

"How do you feel?"

Today I was asked how I felt...not "how are you?" but "how do you feel?"

I answered with the first word to ome to mind...Inadequate.

in·ad·e·quate
adj.
Not adequate to fulfill a need or meet a requirement; insufficient

I feel inadequate.

Decisions.

Some decisions are easy:
Do I want tea or a moldy fish?

Some are slightly harder:
Do I want a sandwich or bacon?

Some are just plain hard:
Do I have the ability to love myself?

Some...some are the hardest decisions you will ever have to make and will always haunt a part of you:
When is it time?

Braaaaaaaaaaaaaain.

My brain hurts.
And I have a spoon in my mouth.
I don't think there is a correlation lol

I planned my TC and Ding might be helping me incase I dissociate :P
Uhm, I have another job. Short term.
I'm looking after three horses: Minnie, Millie and Mollie o.o
I have to do some training with Minnie ie long reining but I'mma do some clicker cause she totally does her own thing and doesn't listen at all -.-
Mollie has gorgeous markigns on her face, I'll try and get a pictures :P
And Millie isssss grey. All 3 are big heavy cobs and generally very nice. It's all really simple. Put Mollie and Millie in the pen, work with Minnie. Turn out Minnie, then do Mollie and Millie together. Then muck out the three stables and get any poo out of the "yard". Make dinners. Mollie and Minnie have half cool mix and one chaff. Millie has one chaff and half pony nuts and they all get two wedges of hay. Bringing them back in I have to get Minnie first, then Mollie/Millie and lock up tack room/gate/field. Aaand then go to CleanForce! That is until the 16th when I break up from "school" so I can go to get the horses in slightly later. And because I'm getting them in earlier I'm more likely to give them more than 2 wedges of hay tbh!

And now it's 02.36am and I need a painkiller and then bed I think o.o

Shitty memories.

Well, I think it's a memory.
I really hope it isn't a memory.
I hope it's just..a thought.
A passing thought.
That will go away.
And not come back.

Fuck..I don't think it's going away.

Something or other.

I am not feeling in control. And I'm not talking DID control, cause I'm about ready to give up with that. Full moon Saturday and Skye is being an ass. Sioux is just restless and Syl is largely unbothered. He'll be more...feral on Saturday, they all will. The cats, Sook and Teeq will be out w/ Lixxie, Hawk, Bayley and Foxa (she keeps an eye on everyone) because shifters/cats/wolves are uncontrollable in the full moon.

So the not in control thing, it's..scary. Haah. There, I said it. I'm scared. Mmhmm. Fuck I don't like saying that.

Moving on. I have work in the morning, guess what? I don't want to go. What's freakin' new?

Plus side, I might not have to be there next week cause I have a new job..sort of. It's a week cover looking after 3 horses. £30 a day = £240 for 8 days. Win.

I feel icky. I don't want to be here. And I really don't feel safe from myself.

Twilight...

Today Dave and I went to go see Twilight: Breaking Dawn part 1. It was..interesting.

After the fight to stay grounded yesterday w/ Izzy I had similar trouble with Skye.
There is a bit in the film where Jacob is howling and she got interested. And wanted to come see; suddenlythere are clips of 5/6 wolves howling and she wanted out. I managed to stop her, depite her snarling across my face.

Then later there was a bit where the wolves are snarling at each other and she is getting pissy and wanting to come out making my head twitch.

And finally, there is a massive fight with angry snarling/growling etc etc. And I find myself snarling albeit silently. And I had to bite down on my lip to stop her making a noise.

I blame the full moon. It wasn't smart to go this close to it. But she's still restless her and Sioux are pacing in the meadow and they keep snarling. I need Foxa to race or wrestle with them or something..anything to stop them fighting for control. I can't handle another night of fighting to be me.

DID.

It's kinda an asshole.

I made the stupid mistake to try and watch "Lie to me" not normally a bad thing but I wanted to see the one about DID again. Bad move. Bad move.

There is one bit where Dr Foster is hypnotising this girl, Jessi, but it's not really Jessi because she's Sophie. Sophie is the core. Jessi's..promiscuous. Trisha is studious. And then there is RJ. RJ is the protector.
Okay, so Jessi is being hypnotised, the slow breathing..the relaxing. And for some obscure reason instead of being relaxing it makes Izzy fight me.
It's like running through treacle, except you can't run. Because it's treacle. And it's flowing towards a massive drop which is rapidly becoming closer and I can't get away from it. There are spasms of her being in control.. where my neck especially twists and I tend to grind my teeth.
It's like when you stand up really fast and your head swims and you have to hold onto something, but there's nothing to hold onto because I'm busy fighting the treacle waterfall. Then when she has control it's like I've walked into a wall, it all goes black and gets starry.
Put it simply, it's surrendering control with little choice over whether you want to or not.
I normally switch when she wants out but I managed to stay grounded (Thank you Laney) until the "bad" bit. Lightman, the main guy in Lie to me, wants to talk to RJ..the protector. So he puts Sophie in a "dangerous" position to make him come out. But the position is..well he comes onto her and tells her to take her clothes off etc. He's basically being creepy. And yeah well, I lost the grounding fight. Albeit briefly, she had to deal w/ Shay who was screaming at Dorry.

What sucks is being out of control. Like I keep fighting for control and I really don't have it. And then Izzy came take it so easily. I know she wanted to make sure I was safe and depsite me telling her I was she didn't believe me. What freaks me out with fighting her is I have a habit of saying "Izzy, please" as I try to stay grounded. I hate it and it freaks me out. I hate that I don't have control and I don't blame Izzy I know she's not doing anything on purpose. I know she's struggling, I'm pretty sure there is an anni around Christmas that I've pushed to the back of my mind and would rather pretend doesn't exist. But overall, it's crap. I *wish* I had control of my head. And I really wish I didn't fuckin' dissociate all the goddam time.

I have this icky floaty feeling still like I'm about 3inches above the chair but at the same time this feeling of being tethered? Like someone will tug the rope and I'll go spinning into nothingness.

I hate DID. And I hate why I have it.

Jealousy.

It's a bitch don'tchaknow?
You think you're okay and then it bites you in the ass.

You know what else is a bitch?
The fact that all I can think about is SI.
I can't wear an elastic band because I have horrible body memory pain in my arms which is what I want to get rid of so badly.

Life is a bitch.

Triggered.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.
It sucks.
I hate it.
It makes me feel insanely unsafe like I'm perched on a half cm of glass 30,000ft in the air. And it's cracking.

Snorkenflooby.

I'm urgy.
We had chicken for dinner.
My left mouse clicky thing is crap.
I'm bored.
My tongue feels icky.
And I'm not feeling even remotely safe.

It's Cold.

It is cold.
I have no feeling in my hands or toes.
I'VE GOT FREAKIN' HICCUPS.
It's annoying.
The hiccups.
I have tea.
Ham.
A hot water bottle.
And Laney, hai Laney xD

I'm icky and blah.

Curse of the Gloamglozer.

dIt's the book I'm reading, it's good heh.

I'm bored, on edge and triggered.

I watched Boy's don't cry it was awesome but it was triggery.

And then I watched SVU...which was triggery.

So guess who is triggered? Yep that'd be me.

Uhm I'm driving w/ Dad tomorrow. We have to get dog food and then get petrol and then tax Mavis. Which reminds me, she doesn't start particularly well. Buuut, I did park her nicely today and I was super proud

OMG AN ADVERT FOR HARRY POTTER!
I asked mum to get the box set on DVD for me. I *love* the Harry Potter series, they are most probably my favourite series book and film, ever.

And today American Beauty and Trainspotting came in the post and soon I should have Dad's 3 DVD's for Christmas and The Runaways which I ordered.

Now Nano is over I totally have time for films, I love it. I really missed film time.

Oh, I did some clicker with Helen and Zoh today, he was really good, it was all about getting him to stay calm and lower his head which is apparently a calming position for a horse. He caught on really fast then got stroppy cause he wasn't doing much physically and he has an attention span like mine..crap.

Mmmmmm, we might be working Jaff a little bit tomorrow with me on him :P Just getting him walking to and fro that kind of thing, though it will probably be Saturday when it's light so we can see what is going on lol

I have cold toes.

And, you know what?
I miss Dave.

Nano!

I finished my nano!

Well...I finished Nano.
I haven't finished MY nano lol.

I drove Mavis tomorrow, it was epic. And tomorrow..today I get to drive on my own lol.

We've already tinselled headcollars and the advent calendar is at the yard. The dog's ones are in my room aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand mine and Smells are in the fridge.

I've ordered something for Smell and I've ordered something for mum but Mum's won't be here til after christmas which means the trip to London Dave and I will be making will involve hunting for something for momma!

I'm going to be srsly poor after winter. Like...srsly. The yard bills are gunna almost cripple me and I keep spending money so unless it's a necessary christmas thing..NO MORE! Laney, you officially can hit me with a pillow if I spend anything o.o

Helen is coming tomorrow to do some clicker with Zoh and we might see if she can do a little work with Jaffskii, we're gunna take his tack up with us.

I'm really excited about being able to drive and having Mavis. Though her clutch makes me angry >.> I get to drive around tomorrow and maybe see about cinema on Tuesday with Dave :D

Mavis.

Tomorrow we pick up Mavis. Mavis is my car. That's right you heard me. I have a freakn' car. HOW COOL IS THAT?!

And I have 80 words to write to finish nano :D

Driving Test!

I freakin' passed it! WIN!

I bit my tongue!

OW D:

Uhmmm, Helen is coming to see Zoh on Thursday. And I need toget him either equichaps or some sort of boot to wear because the new horse is coming in the main field and he's got spindly legs and is most likely to be hurt if he get kicked.
Ellie's gunna get involved straight away but she's in season and so is Lizzie so they're currently in love so she's not likely to beat her up lol

Uhm, I'm driving instead of working tomorrow which means driving in the dark for like an hour O.O and my test is on Tuesday at 9.07am and Paul is picking me up at 7.30 D: D: D:

That's about it I think..

Spanish Riding School

I saw it. It was epic.
It's inspired me to work with Zoh more :D

It's super awesome lol. They work with them SO much and do such amazing things!

I love itttttttttttttt.

I have a poster of one of the stallions and it's awesome. And I got a programme :D :D

Okaaaaay!

I keep forgetting about posting here! It's bad lol.

I'm totally engrossed in my Nano, which is my excuse >.>

Zoh had his wolf teeth out, I have one :D
Uhmmmm that's about it?
Oh! I'm going to see the Spanish Riding School in London tomorrow and and and when Dave gets paid we're going to Covent Garden together ^.^ Yay hehe.

Yeah, so Nano is going well, I have to write a lot more tonight to make sure I'm not behind for tomorrow.

Mm, I'm excited about CG more than the Spanish Riding School lol xD
I wanna go to build a bear and build a bear w/ Dave :D And we want bubble tea too lol
I'll try and remember to post more and proper posts too.

On the First of Dec I WILL post properly every day no more "Moths. Fucking Things." posts as funny as they are *cough*Laney*cough*

fbhde

The closer we get to the end of the year the more I want to stop doing this.

Ahh...

So apparently I haven't blogged in a while.
I don't have an excuse.
I'm urgy as fuck and I'm avoiding things, yay me.

Chicken.

Oblong.

25K!

I hit it and I'm happy.

Yay me.

FB

they suck aaaaaaaahss.

porridge.

I like it!

eyes

i have pink wafter in my eye it fucking hurts iblamesmell

whine.

i dont want to go to work tomorrow.

CET: 830
CBO: 748
CO: 82

Full Moon.

It's tonight and it's REALLY hard to concentrate w/ Skye so close. It's even harder to write -.-

CET: 1300
CBO: 825
CO: 475
notgoodenough.

icky

i feel it. it sucks.

CET: 608
CBO: 728
CO: -120

Feelings.

I.Feel.Icky.

CET: 980
CBO: 702
CO: 278

somethingorother

i'm not really sure what to say..i've been feeling kinda shite lately i spose
eh.
nano's going alright though heh i'm above target..yay me.

CET: 329
CBO: 638
CO: - 309

Fiyahworks.

They're assholes. We were leading Twig and Zoh round to the field and some asshole set them off like across the road and they both had a minor freak out. But we managed to get them to the field before they tanked off. Zoh was more scared of the light behind him cause it made a shadow and he's scared of them lol

CET: 801
CBO: 260
CO: 541

*yawnnnn*

I am yawning and I am schleeeeeepy!

CET: 750
CBO: 702
CO: 48

Red Dolphin!

I walked into the dog's toy box and it cut my leg so I have a red plaster shaped like a dolphin on it :D

CET: 1101
CBO: 802
CO: 299

Uh huh.

I don't feel so great.

CET: 650
CBO: 702
CO: 52

Driving tomorraaaah.

I have another lessonon the morrow.
i'm kinda excited heh.

CET: 754
CBO: 702
CO: 52

It Begins.

Nanoooo. And this is also new: http://itbegins-nano2011.blogspot.com/ I'm blogging my Nano this year..feel free to read it, or don't. Either or.

CET: 800
CBO: 561
CO: 239

All Hallows.

I'mma do a proper post tomorrow, I feel kinda..bleh.

Uhm, Halloween was cool, the littles really enjoyed themselves.

Nano starts..today :P Can't wait :P

CET: 810
CBO: 882
CO: 72

400.

This is my 400th post. That's like..amazing.
I've never done 400 anything!

CET: 1108
CBO: 455
CO: 653

H..

alloween is tomorrah. Aaaand inside is crazy! The littles are all asleep and the minders and co are putting the final touches to the decor it's AWESOME

CET: 1254
CBO: 750
CO: 504

Work :(

I hate work. And I hate that I hate it. I'm doing something I love...and I hate it.
I'm so so tempted to quit despite the fact I need the money.

CET: 1200
CBO: 698
CO: 502

Splint

I've broken my makeshift splint like about 3 times..oops. But it's kinda half doing it's job..sort of.

I had my TC tonight, all went went and I have another one set for Nov too.

CET: 1093
CBO: 548
CO: 545

finger.

my finger is throbbing like you wouldnt believe whenever it touches something it fucking hurts so i have a makeshift splint on it o.o

CET: 850
CBO: 1046
CO: 196

beh.

it's a word.

i feel horribly ill. my face hurts. my side hurts. i hurt.

cet: bout 100
cbo: bout 500
co: 500 or so.
i dont really care right now.

didn't blog

didn't blog cause i forgot.
parents are gone.mm.

CET: 975
CBO: 540
CO: 435

Zohan

I decided I wanna change his name... to "Don't Mess With The Zohan" :D

CET: 829
CBO: 350
CO: 479
ididbetter.muchbetter.

Kinda ow.

Today has been painful and it's crap.

And Zoh's tired from growing. And I ordered an Ev hoody.

And I feel physically sick. And disgusting and icky and generally gross.

CET: 943
CBO: 664
CO: 279

Harf Term, Innit.

I'm not at work for a full 7 days. I'm not back til Wednesday because parentals are going away. Which I'm not entirely sure is a good thing. Eh long story that I cba to go into.

Horses had the dentist today.
Ellie had to be rasped.
Jaff was rasped.
Twig needs more squishy food.
Zoh has to be sedated to have two wolf teeth out (which I get to keep, win.)

Uhmmmm, yeah.

CET: 1264
CBO: 909
CO: 355
icandobetter.

Requiem For A Dream.

I did not anticipate it being quite that triggering. I'm at that..idk wtf to think kinda triggered. Then I logged onto FB and someone I used to know from RYL has posted some pretty graphic pictures of open wounds/scars for the world to see. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Horse-y dentist tomorrow, I should already be in bed. But I feel like crying.

CET: 802
CBO: 582
CO: 220

Today

Today was Wednesday. The best thing was the undead hippo.

CET: 1214
CBO: 562
CO: 652

Zoh

He's ever so fluffy :D
And his chest was worse than I thought, but nothing to worry about. And he has the dentist friday. And I can feel my face!

CET: 1250
CBO: 1381
CO: -131
fuckingyes.

Gah.

I didn't post last night cause it was mum's birthday and we were out most of the evening.

CET: 1430
CBO: 570
CO: 860

Sunday.

Tis mother's birthday tomorrah...today.

And I'm watching Blackadder II :D

CET: 703
CBO: 350
CO: 353

Ah shit it.

I have lurgies.
I can feel the burning at the back of my throat which is obviously not triggering.

Mm, I'm urgy.

CET: 1204
CBO: 650
CO: 554

Jodhpurs.

Tomorrow I have to wear them for the first time in about 6 years. Can we say panic attack?

CET: 1198
CBO: 654
CO: 542

So..

I forgot to post last night.

IT WAS AWESOME! I had an interview at The XC and we did some Bouldering, followed by Caving then High Ropes. I wasn't expecting to like the caving, but I did it was amazing. I love it! I've got bruises, scrapes and the odd scrape covered bruise, but it was amazing. There's a ball pit in one of the harder routes which we did which obviously I loved cause y'know I'm still a child. And there were a few drops which I literally did fall down lol. It didn't look like I thought it would..it looked amazinggg.

I say amazing a lot.

And the high ropes was epic. It was so much fun and despite being so high I felt totally safe. And we did it w/ our eyes closed :D

And we met some awesome people tooooo, it was funsies.

CET: 1428
CBO: 1750
CO: -322

Wrist Pain.

My wrists hurt a lot :( It's crap.

CET: 1249
CBO: 657
CO: 592

The Dentist.

I have to get a filling next week, bah -.-

CET: 1449
CBO: 878
CO: 571

Pubbb

I was at the pub again today with Dave it was fun, we talked and stuff, like y'do.

I have the dentist in the morning.

CET: 1637
CBO: 689
CO: 948

Paaaaaain.

I have a headache behind my left eye and a fucking stabbing pain in my left ankle.

CET: 990

Job interview

I have one on Thursday, really hoping I get the job. I need to move the fuck out.

CET: 1461

The Big Bang Theory

It makes me laugh. I so need a laugh <3

And I'm urgy as fuck, haaaah.

Blink.

Everytime I blink I see things.

Theory!

I FREAKIN' PASSED! Whodathunkit?

Not meeee. But I did and it was epic. And I'm proud of myself but don't let my brain know that. Kthx

Theory

I have my theory exam tomorrow and bah, it's gunna be crap.

Unsafe.

I do not feel safe.
The dangerous urgy where I'm terrified of being alone because I WILL do something stupid.
Fuck this shit, yo.

headache

it seems i have one and i just drank a lot of milk nomnom

Music.

I have Sungha Jung playing. I love that kid.

GTP!

I have seriously gtp duuuuuuuuude. It's 2.45am I must go!

last climbing

it was today, i'm now allowed to climb w/o supervision yay me. but i have noone to climb w/ so fail.

Fuck.

Just, fuck.

New Pages!

I've added 2 new pages about films.

Don't read them if you don't want to, I don't mind :P

I'm tempted to look at doing a couple of simple reviews for them at some point.

Yay!

My pictures came today :D Zoh looks so pretty

And and and and!!! I have my bestest buddy on FB now! je t'aime petit poisson!!

noodlehead.

Today noodlehead aka Zoh wore overreach boots and brushing boots...cause I got bored.

Have you heard?

A well a bird bird bird bird is the word!

it's stuck in your head, amirite? I'm not sorry.

I have to pee.

But I cba to get up.

Rock Climbing

It was gooooood. I managed to get pretty high before I had a mild panic attack and had to be bought back down like...NOW

And I have to go to bed, I have a new job starting in the morning. It's a caring thing for a lady I used to work for, it's basically taking her special socks off so she can shower then putting them back on again, that's pretty much it! But while I'm there I might be able to do some hoovering and whatnot. But yes, it's money (Y)

And then I'm riding. I was meant to be having a lesson, but it doesn't look like that's gunna happen which is really annoying. Cause I don't want to hack out, I want to have a lesson. Nina was all, feel free to let me know when and I'll work out when Alison isn't gunna be there and then we can give you a lesson free of charge. Win? Yeah. No. Cause I can have an hours lesson for £15 about a 20 minute drive away. Only problem is that we aren't sure that mum's car can pull the trailer w/ Ellie in it...that sounds mean, but her car is shit!

And I have to actualy go to bed now. And I swear to God if I get this fuckin' nightmare one more time I will scream.

Work

So at work we have:
My boss, Gary.
My supervisor, Anne.
And the "normal" staff..:
Sam T
Amanda (Sam T's sister)
Sam R (AKA Red)
Jodie R (Red's sister)
Pam
Joan (She's a bit nutty..)
Liz
Illy (He's married to Liz)
Gemma (She just had a baby)
Lisa (She just rejoined us)
and, Aziz.

Now the "in crew" are Amanda, Red, Jodie and Pam. And occasionally Sam T but not often. It's annoying cause y'know we're not in school, we're all adults, grow the fuck up.

In my block I work with Jodie and Sam T. And when Sam isn't in or Sam is helping Amanda or Red to cover for one of them that is away, I have to work with Jodie. I'd rather work on my own. She's so infuriatingly unhelpful! Like today, Sam wasn't in (so we both get an extra half hours wages, woop) so Jodie finished her end while I finished doing my tables and bins and we worked together for the rest of my section (just doing the floors) and did 2 of Sam's 3 rooms cause there was a class in the other one. There was also a class down Jodie's so we both had one extra room to do alone. We finish at 5.30 so that time came and Jodie bailed and I'm like wtf?! So I ended up mopping the girls loo floor which she was supposed to have done as well as the lobby she was meant to have done AND the freakin' corridor she was meant to have done. Gettin' the picture here?
This is what it's always like, someone always ends up covering for Jodie cause she's too lazy to do the work herself.
She was supposed to mop my lobby, she didn't do it. So I hoovered CloudBase (sttaff room) and when her sister reappeared she made Jodie re-mop it cause she was like WTF JODIE?! She gets annoyed that she doesn't do the work as well but she can't force her to do it properly cause she's busy doing her own work.

And it pisses me offffff.
/whine.

I am triggered as fuck and it sucks ass.

something something pizza.

Hippo, carrot, three.

Still..

Still procrastinating.

We had dramaz with Zoh today. We went to a show..missed our class.. no probs we found it quite funny. Then we loaded him back up and all was well. Started to leave and he went ape shit. Full out panic. The trailer and the car are like catapulting around and I've thrown myself out the car and into the trailer in less than 5 seconds, grabbed his headcollar and put my hand on his neck to try and calm him down. He settled quite quickly, but he was shaking, his eyes were rolling and he was basically hyperventilating. So I spent the 45 minute journey home in the back of the trailer with him...not SAFE! It's not a fun place to be, I have no fuckin' idea why horses get in there time and time again. No jokes. We got him on the trailer and he's cut above his right eye and on his chest, no biggie, just skinned it...but he's shredded his back left leg. It's swollen, bleeding and he's slightly lame on it. He let us apply first aid, cleaned it, creamed it, powdered it, gave him dinner and turned him out. He was trotting so he can't be too sore, but I might powder down a bute for him tomorrow if he needs it cause he'll be stiff in the morning fo'sho. And tomorrow he will be going back into the trailer to eat his dinner and all will be well with the world.

The annoying this is, I had a really really bad feeling about this morning I didn't wanna go cause I felt that something bad was gunna happen. I wish I'd listened to my instincts cause then he wouldn't have hurt himself.

Bless him, he did look super nice walking through the showground though, he gets really on his toes and does a super slow trot in an outline with his tail curved over his back. And people always point and "oooh" at him and I often get people coming over like "he's so pretty!" and I'm all ikr?! lol

I love him even though he's a tit sometimes.

Oh oh oh and we had snuggles with Ellie today it was super nice cause more often than not she'll try and eat my face but that said, sometimes she is reaaaaally snuggly. Today was one of those days.
And I think she has an abcess on one of her front teeth and Zoh seems to have bitten part of his tongue off...

My horses have issues. Dude.

Oh oh oh and I had an amusing conversation w/ Dave today about unicorns...he makes me smile..that smile when you get a text and you're all bah. and you look to see who it is from and then you just grin..

It turns out I have REALLY inappropriate responses to serious things...like bursting out laughing...

For example I'm watching "Sleeping with the enemy" which basically focuses on a lady whose husband used to abuse her. Altogether..not funny. And there is a scene where she is getting "intimate" w/ this dude and she tells him she can't and for some unknown reason I have cracked up laughing...like full blown hysteria laughing and I'm super not certain why! I mean.. I *know* it isn't funny like at all and couldn't control myself like at all.

I've had this reaction before...when something scares me or freaks me out I burst into completely inappropriate laughter. Like when my friend fell down the stairs I was literally crying I was laughing so hard. My sides currently hurt from my last gigglging episode.

It's annoying..idk why it happens but it does..so if I'm laughing when you tell me a serious thing, it's not personal! It's my bodies fucked up way of coping with life apparently!

Miiigraine.

Ugh. It hurts and bah.

And I'm totally procrastinating writing something I need to. Fail.

Tony and Ali

Tony: I'm not a big fan of monkeys..
Ali: *epic gasp* What kind of person ARE you?!

I couldn't help but laugh hysterically.

Then I heard a funny from Lixxie..."No matter how much toothpaste I put on my hairbrush, it won't fit in my mouth."

It so made me laugh!

Feeling off.

Idk why, but I feel off. I just feel...blegh.

I have my Theory test booked and ready.
I have a driving lesson tomorrow.
Rose is coming to the stables on Friday.
Work on Saturday.
Show on Sunday.
Helen is coming on Monday to do some clicker w/ Zoh.

True Blud

It is over til June/July next year D:

Aaaand Dave and I did a DVD list heheheehe. And a moving out list o.o

And I need to do a films to see/films seen list.

Lists <3

Pub.

Today I went to one. I had Cider and it made my brain slightly fuzzy. But, it does seem to have affect Skye cause she was close. And it's a full moon lul.

9/11.

The most asked question about it is, "where were you?". I was 10 and I was in year 6 at school. I don't really remember what I felt or anything like that. I don't think I really understood it properly.

I cannot possibly try to imagine the fear and panic that the people who were trapped in the buildings felt. I can't imagine the terror they felt when they jumped from the windows or rang their loved ones to say their last words. Or the fear of the people on the planes, knowing they were going to die. Or the amazing sense of duty from the firemen/police officers as they made their way into the buildings to help as many people out as they could before the buildings collapsed on top of them.

Or the unity of the American people to band together and help rebuild, to pay tribute to those that lost their lives and to fight back against the people who did this to their country.

The fact that the American people looked after each other so well and lauched rescues so quickly to save as many people as they could astounds me.

Rest in peace to all of the brave and courageous people who lost their lives trying to save others.
Rest in peace to all of the people who didn't make it out of the buildings alive.
Rest in peace to all of the people who jumped.
Rest in peace to all of the people who were on the planes.

Stress

I dunno why I'm so stressed. Bah.

See below post.

Turns out I was correct. I am in a fuckload of pain. I can't put weight on my arms or they literally give way. Funsies.

Climbing

Today I went rock climbing. Out of the 50 or so people in the climbing area I was the only girl. A female insructor appeared briefly then disappeared again.

I'm not even kidding my arms are killing me. My forearms, my fingers, my finger joints and my upper legs. Ho-ly shit. I'm gunna be in so much paaain!

Not sure.

I feel...uncertain.
I don't know why..but I do and it's unsettling.

Driving

I have a lesson tomorrow and I need to book my theory but I need to read and re-read the Highway code like...5 times first haha

Nightmares..

They're getting to the point where they're really disrupting sleep again. Bah, I'll try and write in slightly more depth after the jump.

AKA go to FishSticks.

Film time!

Today I've seen..Hanna..Life as we know it and now Mr and Mrs Smith.

I studied Mr n Mrs in Film...If you've seen it you'll know the bit I'm talking about. The part in the major fight scene when they're in the lift. There was lots of talk about contrapuntal sound and contrasting images and whatnot. It was fun.

I miss film studies *sigh*

Oh, and I made two friends today. Minnie a little terrier and Tash the cat who looks like :3 that. It rhymed. Win.

Lulsies

Today I found an amusing blog...and by amusing I mean absolutely fuckin' hilarious. No jokes.

http://winenaptime.wordpress.com/ The first line had me crackin' up...

"A little over a year and a half ago I was big fat giant pregnant and gearing up to poop a whole nother person out of my baby hole." oh lols

Saddles

We had the saddle fitter out todaaaay, Jaff's a weird shape lol and Moose's saddle has to be widened slightly to fit her big ass muscles ^.^

And I had a driving lesson, Paul says there isn't a lot wrong w/ my driving (WIN!)

Birthday

Today was mine. I turned 20 and it's made me think. I'm NOT a child anymore...I'm officially an adult.

Day-um, that makes me feel old. In TEN YEARS I'll be freakin' 30! D:

Ew.

Haaah

Didn't blog last night interwebs broke will blog "properly" later cause I'm eating my nomnoms now

Path Less Taken #2

Today was a Tuesday.
The best bit was the banana in a suit in the tent.

*stretch*

Oo, that was a good'un.

Ah..

Hmm, I'm watching Twilight. I need to get out more.

Films

I am watching films again :D

Resident Evil 1, 2 and currently 4. But it's 105am and I'm going to bed in a half hour heh

Skunks.

They're stinky and icky, unless it's Flower from Bambi..then it's cute.

Diet.

I apparently on one soon.

Path Less Taken

Today was a Wednesday.
The best part was the giraffe.

Ack.

I didn't blog yesterday, I forgot.

Eh, Smell is being a dick. But hey, what's new.

Moving.

I want to be doing it soon. Dave and I are srsly looking into it. And also srsly looking into renting an unfurnished place and sleeping in tents..like for reals :D

Lonely

I feel it.

Fil-ums.

I'm watching them. They are a good distraction.
I watched Source Code which was..weird.

And now I'm watching Black Swan.

I want to go into town to buy some material cause I'm going to make an octopus!

Sometimes..

Sometimes I feel like I'm running on a treadmill that is going way to fast for me to stay on. I feel like I'm running with my heels over the edge and one slip, trip, or hesitant step is going to send me flailing into nothingness.

Right now I feel at the edge. I feel like I'm about to freakin' nosedive off the treadmill of life and faceplant on the floor.

Life is an asshole.

And I was reading this.. http://thoughtquestions.com/

Tattoooo

My foot is slightly tender atm, prolly cause I just smacked it lol

And I have to pee!

Horseshoes

I had my tattoo today.

http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=28clmjp&s=7

Hah, oops.

So I didn't blog yesterday either, dude I'm slipping. But I have a totally valid excuse. I had a show with Zoh, we came 2nd out of 3 :D Aaaand then I was watching Underworld..followed by Underworld Evolution.

And today I was riding Beau (I love riding him) and then I had a driving lesson, which went well :]

And tomorrow, I'm getting my tattoo :D Wiiiiin. And I have the cinema in the evening, but I'm not entirely sure I'm going to be able to move lol xD good thing I bought me some painkillers :D I was supposed to be going with Dave but he's going with his Mum which is slightly annoying cause the main aim was so that I didn't ahve to go alone! So I've roped smell into it :D

Anywho, now I wanna watch this film and my hair is annoying me lol

If I have one more piece of vomit pie, I'm going to pumpkin.

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I lol'd.

Hokay

So, my double post cause I missed last nights.

I'm getting a tattoo. How exciting :D

Heh, oops.

I didn't post last night because I was in bed at like 11. I was so tired and I felt rough.

I can't think of a title.

I can't think of much to write either.
My painkillers are wearing off and I feel quite sick.

holy shiznit

i need sleep dude, i'm like about to faceplant ye olde laptop

Something

Something, mmhmm.

Salmonella

I think I might get it. I ate raw chicken by mistake..oops.

TC

I had my TC tonight..Music and Healing. It went well heh :]

Flibbersmaaahken.

I have lurgies. I can't breatheee, fail.

British people

Okay, so it's no big surprise that British people cannot cope with "extreme weather". Now by extreme I'm not talking tornados and landslides more...3" of snow and anything about 20C temperatures.

The majority of British people burn at the mere suggestion of sunlight. 90% of people will waddle home in agony a wonderful shade of lobster red after a long day in the sun. We will complain frequently it's too hot, it's too sticky, why can't it raaaaaaaaaaaain?! And yet when it rains...we also complain.

And worse of all, when it snows. When the weathermen decide to bless us with the news of impending doom aka snow, we panic buy bread, milk and eggs. Like they are obviously the most important foods in the world? As soon as it begins to snow panic sets in. People call into work because they can't possibly make their way in, they spend hours defrosting their car so they can both see and actually get into the car!

The current temperature in Hemel Hempstead is 27C and it may as well be 47C we cannot cope in the heat! Our roads are becoming slightly melty and when you walk on the pavement your feet stick to the ground slightly. The air is thick, a bit like walking through treacle although the humidity is only 44% but that is really very humid for here!

English weather is a bit shitty and we sure do love to complain about it..it's the English way of life!

Not cool

Chest pain, I has it.

Teen Wolf

It's about a boy that becomes a werewolf and Skye thinks it's awesome...mostly cause the wolf looks stupid when he changes lol. But she finds it cool that they show how painful the transition can be sometimes.

Hmm. fun.

Lurgies.

I have them and holy crap I feel rough.

Oops

I don't think I posted yesterday, not that it makes a difference. My post are hardly full of wisdom lately. I saw that like they usually, lul.

I'm hormonal, someone really pissed me off today aaaand it made me really urgy which is a bit shite.

Had some nasty ass body mems today which I could do without.

Started doign some writing though which is good, I need a distraction.

American Dad

Rendezvous'es.

Bahaha, funnies on TV.

Hmmmmm

I'm rather loving Assassin's Creed atm :D

Lol...splendiferous.

Game of Thrones.

Good book. I like it :]

Hormones

They suck ass. They're making me cry. Cause y'know..I'm just gunna blame them.

Moose.

I rode Ellie today and it helped stop the FB's. win.

Win.

No work for six weeks. Woot.

also, commence total fuckin' boredom.

DK

This is DK the Sock Monkey.

Mm, uncool

I have a pain in my knee. So I have ice on it and it hurts and stuff

Pam.

"Are you fuckin' retarded?" I do love Pam from TB.

She makes me lul. Like..a lot lol.

True Blood

"My ex is a werewolf"

Er..okay?

Speaking of 'wolves, Skye has been really active lately. She spent a lot of time out on the full moon (Friday), she perched on the fencing for 2 hours without moving staring at the moon. For once, she was fully clothed, minus socks. I've been co-con with her a lot lately which is fine, except she doesn't like people near me/touching me.

She's doing a lot better...she's less aggressive. I say that, I mean she is less aggressive without reason. It's nice though..I like having her close, she helps me feel safe.

Grey's Anatomy #2

"I think she's a stalker"
"Do we need to call the police?"
"I think she's more of a gentle stalker...than a stab you with a knife stalker"
"Well I hope she lives to gently stalk another day"

*snork* Gently stalk another day?! Epic.

moth.

fucking things.

Stupid things.

I did one and I'm so scared it's going to lead to something much worse.

Driving!

I have a driving lesson tomorrow, wiiiiiiiin!

I have a few things I wanna do before the end of this year. Get a full time job or another part time job. Pass my driving tests (theory/practical) aaaaaand move the FUCK out.

RA

It's a tosser.

Cold feet.

I have got them. Physically. Not mentally.

This is Sparta!

For those of you who watch films you'll know that is from 300. It's also my 300th post!

A hell of a lot has changed since I started this blog. I've changed a lot, I'd like to think I'm more mature, but I think that's just a wish ;)

A lot of good things have happened and a hell of a lot of bad things. But all of it has made me stronger. I feel like I've grown into myself a lot more.

And now, I must go and eat my polos and amuse myself at a fancy restaurant ;) Laters taters!

SVU

It's triggering, IDK why I'm watching it.

Grey's Anatomy

I'm watching it.

Hah.

Fuck

Fuck shit bollock arseholing tit heads.

Showah.

I spent over an hour in the shower sitting under the water crying.

I'm not ashamed.

And I

would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life.

SHEEP!

There was a sheep on TV and it was cute!

Mm, I feel not good.

Hmm

I'm so tired.
And so confused..
I'm co-con with Foxa, Skye and Iz, it hurts.my.brain.

and there is no distractions to keep us sane.

Zomg.

I nearly have 300 posts...that's a bit freaky! I've never had 300 anything!

Aaaand, I've been working with Fox to make a Pixie dictionary :] It's..hard work but fun lol

Well, ow.

I was messin' with Zoh in the field and we were running and he "spooked", he was being an ass, and kicked my foot and kicked it into my other leg and it's all swollen and ow where I basically removed the skin with my shoe..

Graham Norton

I love the man. He does make me giggle and I can't breathe from laughing.

ffs

my internet is on the fritz and its doing my head in.

I love me my Lit'lun.

"If there was a boy like you, I'd date him"

Mwahaha, he'd be epic ;)

Brisingr.

It means Fire!

I finished the book and the Elven language makes me think of Pixie, I'm tempted to write an elemental story w/ Pixie in it...tempting..

Chewsday.

Harly decided that the spelling of Tuesday was incorrect and she's demanding it be spelt Chewsday. So, poor Quinn has had to change the spelling of it on the board because she wouldn't quit crying, bless her lol

Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit

Yes, I know that phrase has been linked with ED's but that isn't the meaning I'm looking at. Well, not entirely.

Before I say anything, I don't want judgement. If you want to judge me, fuck off. To be frank.

I'm 19 years old and I am NOT a typical girl. I don't wear skirts, dress, heels etc. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to. I often see a top/skirt which I think looks amazing but I know I can't wear it. Why? Because of my body. I'm so insecure about it. Society tells us if you aren't thin you aren't good enough. We see models on the cat walk who are simply just bones. We hear the media slamming celebrities when god forbid they gain a quarter of an inch of "fat". And jesus christ don't have a baby because if you haven't lost the baby weight inside of 3 days it is officially the end of the world. I hate how society says we should be.

I hate that I feel under pressure and disgusting and gross because I'm overweight. and yes, I actually am.
I hate that I feel like I *have* to lose weight, regardless of how, but it has to be done quickly.
I hate that people can't accept that someone who is larger than size zero might be happy how they look.
I hate that people look at you in disgust because you aren't a walking skeleton.

Society doesn't dictate what we "should" look like. The media does. Society just fuels their bitchiness. Why should I feel bad for being "bigger"? Why can't I feel comfortable in my own skin?

I'm 19 years old and I loathe myself and my body. I can't stand to look at myself. I detest that I hide in baggy clothes because I don't want people to see me and be disgusted.

I have an ED. I'm anorexic. I'm not proud of it. I'm even less proud of some of the things it makes me do. "ED's are bad", according to society. But the fact it is them that drives thousands upon thousands of people towards them is irrelevant of course. If we weren't shown half naked men and women who are "perfect" and in shape and beautiful all the goddam time, we wouldn't have this much of a problem.

This reminds me of Tyler Durden.
I say, stop being perfect. I say, let's evolve, and let the chips fall where they may.

I hate that I can't accept me as I am until I fit societies idea of perfect.

Nano idea...

Elementals...Holy War..hmmmm

Arya.

She reminds me of Fox.

bewk

I r reading one.

Inheritence.

I've been reading the Inheritence books. Basically, dragons and elves and whatnot.

I love the books and I watched the film again..it was shit. I'm not impressed -.- I was really looking forward to seeing when the 2nd film was coming out. But I don't think I wanna see it now.

So I'mma go finish watching Kids Behind Bars.

Holy bah.

I've not been sleeping particularly well lately at all.

It's impairing my judgement, though I think that's just an excuse for me to do stupid things.

21st

Today is the 21st and I just spent like..2 hours trying to work out the name of a film I wanted to see (it was Gangs of New York)

And now I'm trying to remember the name of my American film teacher cause I wanna see if she has FB or I can drop her an email about various fil-ums.

Bah.

So not coping.

1.2.3.

3.

And yes, Tazzy posted for me last night, so ty to him.

Love ya Tazzy D.

tazzy

cammy arsked me to rite on mummas blog cuz shes hidin insid cuz munday is a bad day and she membad bad stuf and it maked her skared

Firsty!

I am needing juice but we have none.

Hmm. I might have some milk. Hah, no. I might just force myself to drink water instead!

Inner Worlds.

I've been meaning to write this for a long time and having found a post by Izzy on a thread on AMJ (A Mind's Journey) it reminded me! It's weird because our world has changed since Izzy wrote about it. Not drastically, but rooms have been added and various other "props" have been introduced. So, this will probably be long, but I hope it gives you guys a better view of what it's like inside my mind.

Okay, so we'll start in "The Main Room" this is where pretty much everything happens. I see the room as if I've just walked through the door and it's all in front of me. It's a big square room and in one corner is a huge oak tree with a long wide branch which extends to outside. The room is dotted with big squishy sofas and beanbags and currently, multiple blanket forts filled to the brim with cushions. Most of the littles have their favourite spots to be in and they've written their names on their favourite bean bags in various colours. In the corner directly opposite the tree is a large table pushed into the corner and that's where Cassie spends a lot of her time, but she has a beanbag which is outside it which she's been using more often. There is a long hallway off of the main room which leads to "The Meeting Room".

The Meeting Room has a long dark table with chairs surrounding it and this is where the Minders and I talk about various issues. The Pixie's have meetings in here sometimes if the weather (I'll explain that later) is shitty inside.

Off the hallway are other doros which lead to bedrooms of the others. The Minders tend to share with their littles but some of the Minders have two storey rooms, so the littles can have a bit of independence and the Minders some privacy. I can't see inside these rooms and neither can the other alters for the most part. The only time I can see in them is if an alter allows me too. These rooms aren't used too much, most of the time the littles just sleep in The Main Room unless their is an incident then they get shifted to their own rooms.

Outside, the tree leads to a play area built by Bayley which has a long slide down to the ground or alternative a sloping ramp down. The play area is pretty huge and Bayley adds to it a lot. It leads down to a large meadow with short grass which is somewhere the littles play a lot cause the Minders can just sit and watch.

Beyond the short grass is long grass, hip height to me and I'm almost 5ft 7. There are a fair few hidey holes in he long grass, it's been weaved together like a bird nest to make a small place to hide. The Wolves, Cats and Pixies love the long grass cause there are two lines of trees that run down the centre of it and they play games of tag trying to catch the Pixies...so far they've been unsuccessful!

Just beyond the two meadows we have caves which are mostly all dark and this is where the Cats and Wolves go to get away from the others, they use different entrances, both of which are hidden, and they never use the same caves.

Okay, so the weather. The weather internally is usually warm but on occasion if the alter fronting (aka in control) is angry/upset/excited etc the weather *can* change. It doesn't happen often, usually it's only with Cass, Boo and on occasion Sabrae.

This took so much longer to write than it should've cause I'm co-con with Ali and Lik and it makes life harder when you're co-con lol. I hope this has given a better insight into inside!

Bright Lights.

I have a migraine, it's like..dulled from my painkillers, but still annoying enough to hurt like fuck. It seems to fluctuate between "Holy fuck my brain is going to explode" and "nyergh".

Mm, Criminal Minds is triggery as fuck.

Mewsik

I learnt a basic version of greensleeves on piano today! I transfered the song from guitar, cause I'm clever ;)

I'm proud of me!

Weird

Y'know when you drink something hot then inhale and it makes the air super cold? I just did that.

I'm drinking cuppa soup, it's tomato flavour and it's really nice heh

I learn Jessie J's "Nobodys perfect" today and I like it, it's nice.

Time to daaaaahnce.

Cause I'm listening to Glee yo!

And my finger is infected, ew.

It's raining, also ew.

Buzzz

I'mma busy bee today. Or rather, I was.
It's totally tired me out and I just inhaled my tongue eww.

I don't have to be up til 10, wiiiiiiiin! Means I can sleep in <3 And, Ellie can stay out from about 11 til 5ish. I'm not happy about it, but y'know. I'm tempted to put her in the main field with her muzzle on but I worry she might get it off though she never does heh.

Dude, I'm freakin' knackered. Do I want to go to bed? HAHAHAHAHA, no.

*yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn*

I have a super mega sleepy, I'm gunna have to sleep like suuuuuper soon else I'm not gunna be functional tomorrow in the slightest and I can feel Jakey's heartbeat on my right leg and it feels really weird.

Cough

I have one of those super annoying tickly coughs which suck epic amounts.

And my parentals are away so Smell and I are chillin' in the living room, she's on the Xbox playing splintercell with some dude and I'm listening to the Glee music I just downloaded for the second time and it's so very nice. We're both in our jammies with duvets and I have the added bonus of a Jakey on my feets <3

The horses had their jabs today and the vet made me cry cause I'm hormonal and he was being a dick.

Hmm...I got paid today! That was exciting, I apparently got paid from Cleanforce today too. Funsies.

Oopsy Daisy

I fell off May today, oops xD
We were in the school with Lofty and Tia and she had a hissy fit, ducked out left, stopped then jumped left and there is zero neck to hold onto and I met the floor with my back and I've ripped some skin from my finger, owwy :( It was annoying cause she was going well til she had a hissy fit!

I have a new laptop, but my harddrive was wiped from my old laptop. Fortunately I have most of my data but I'm lacking a few pics of the dogs, everything of Zoh and most of the yard stuff...thank FUCK for Facebook!!

Poopded.

I'm so tired lately! I've been in bed before midnight for like 3 days :O

Zoh came in with a gash on his side and he's skinned part of his right hind leg so he was slathered in sudocrem and he seems alright, not lame, not owwy when I poke it (I do that a lot..)

But it was impossibly triggering. Fail.

Oopsy

I missed posting last night cause I was totally shattered! I was in bed at like 11!

Zoh and I had a show yesterday and he was brillianttttttt <3

I rather love him!

He came 4th out of 5 in Youngstock so we have our first ever show rosette! He did really well and I'm proud of my wee boy!

And now I think I'mma nap or at least doze before work. Saying that I really want some tea.

4th

Tis the 4th. Show is on the 5th. Let's hope he behaves himself and actually gets on the trailer -.-

I'm sure all'll be well.

Faaaail.

I missed last nights post cause I went to bed early cause I felt pretty rough. I was actually in bed and asleep before midnight! Proper knackered! < that must be said in a chav like way, btw.

We were meant to be seeing Pat today, but she didn't feel well so we ended up going round the road with Jaff and Zoh instead and they had good fun, then this evening we messed around with a couple of home made jumps which they mostly fell through hahahaha. And I put Zoh's briiiiidle on and he was awesome. It was good heh.

O.o

I hate night shifts. I had one last night hence the not posting.

I plaited Zoh's mane today ^.^ A trellis plait cause he was so hot under it. He stood still for most of it and I'm pretty sure he fell asleep lol. Ellie was in a shit mood cause she'd been in all day, cause Rach did her for me this morning.

It's like 11 o clock and I'm totally fucked. I slept from 9 til 2.30 and I slept like a total log. My limbs have felt really tired...like they feel dizzy. And yes I realise that makes me sound like a total lunatic, but I'm being serious. I've felt really lethargic and dizzy most of the day too. Probably hasn't helped I haven't drunk much.

Oo, sudden nervous energy has given me goosebumps eek

Heh.

A surprisingly good day, it was Pat's birthday, I didn't ride and I got cake. Win.

Ffsaaaaake

My laptop is fucked. I'm prolly not gunna be around much at all cause I'm using Dad's computer and it worries me using it heh.

Cause it's a bank holiday weekend it won't go in to be fixed til Tuesday and IDK how long it'll take to fix it -.- I really need a new computer but I need all the stuff off my hard drive and shit. Bah.

But yes, I'm not gunna be around for a bit so I might not be posting!

W/e

I didn't blog last night because I didn't feel particularly well and by I didn't feel well, what I mean is I had some shit horrible flashbacks/body memories. I went to bed and by the time I got to sleep, it was about 3am. I felt rough as fuck. My body is so tired.

Oh. It's Jake and Zoey's birthday today, they're 1. Happy Birthday to them.

Hmm, I wanna watch Glee.

bvfbfhf

mm, feeling kinda low..bah

YES!

May got the all clear! FUCKIN' YES!
I'm happy ^.^

And I got to ride Beau today, it was lovely heh.
Felt like I was floating :D
I might be riding him when they go away..at least I kinda hope I am! It was so nice to have such a smooth ride and he was SO well behaved! We saw a grabber lorry which he's never seen before and he walked past it so calmly it was so nice lol

Bless me I sneezed.

Perty Awesome.

I quite like the film knocked up, though there were a few (a lot) of triggery bits.

And I have a migraine in my sinuses which is from the pressure. It's so...heavy here. It's horrible. I've had some painkillers buttt I can't go to bed yet.

Oddball.

May has her scans on Wednesday...I *really* hope she comes clear. Even though she isn't my horse, I've been riding her for like 2 months eveyday. She means a lot to me and I'll be heart broken if she doesn't cause Allison'll have her put down because it isn't fair on her. But she should come clear she's been acting a lot better, more herself lately. Just thinking about her not being clear makes my eyes start to water.

00.00 Wish.

I want to see Iron Man 2.

*wishes*

It's unrelated!

Birf.

It's Smell's day of Birf today. She's 15 o.o

And it's also apparently the day of the rapture. Well unless I'm mistaken it hasn't happened. Or maybe I'm just a zombie and I haven't yet found brains to nom upon? I think I prefer option 2. I'd like to be a Zombie!

Raaaaaargggggh.

Oh yeah. I'm fuckin' terrifing.

Migraine.

I have one and it hurts like faaahk.

Hahahahahaha. Fuck.

something

i want to sleep. forever.

Ffs.

My computer is on a go slow and it's making me angry which makes me urgy cause I don't know how to deal with anger.

How annoying.

Mm. I need to sleep before 2 tonight.

R* trigger.

Graphic BE CAREFUL.

Most of you already know this but I need to post it here. It's not coloured out.



I was walking down a short alley way cause I wanted to get home and I was fed up of walking. I didn’t often go down that route, I preferred to stay on the path, but it was beginning to get dark so I went that way. As I walked down there I felt someone behind me, but before I could turn they pulled their arm around my throat and shoved my other arm up behind my back. He pushed me hard against the fencing and pressed his body to mine.
“Don’t fucking move, sweet cheeks. We’re gunna have some fun.” he kept his body close to mine and took his arm away from my throat and ran it across my lower back before pulling my trousers down and unzipping his jeans.
He breathed heavily in my ear and forced himself inside me. The whole time he was raping me he was telling me not to look at him, not to even think about looking at him. I don’t know if he used any protection..I don’t remember. But I think he did...just going on past experiences.
When he’d finished he zipped himself back up and leant into my neck and whispered in my ear.
“Didn’t I tell you we were gunna have fun, sweet cheeks?” he paused and he let go of my arm which was numb but burning where his hand had been. “Remember, don’t turn around.” I nodded slowly and stayed where I was, he patted me and walked back the way we’d come whistling. I waited ‘til I couldn’t hear him anymore before pulling my trousers up and ran for home. My head told me home was safe. When I got home I curled up on the sofa and tried to pretend nothing was wrong. A little later I showered, tried to get rid of him from my skin. The disgusting feeling of being used and thrown away again. The skin crawling feeling which made me physically sick.

bouncy baaaawl

i have one in my pocket ^.^

mm, i'm sleepy but i dont much wanna sleep at all heh

Honesty.

I fail at it when I'm struggling. And guess what?

That's right, I'm struggling.

sleeeeeeeeeeeep

i need it.

in paaaaaain

I have a pain in my neck..lol, no really. I'm being literal!
It's like in my jaw joint, down my neck to my collar bone and when I'm cold it manifest as an ear ache. Fail.

I've spent shit loads of time walking today and I'm so very tired. I'm not sure if I want to go to bed now or not cause if I do I know I'll be awake at like 4.

Ugh, I have zero energy.

blogger

There was no update yesterday cause blogger was having some maintenance done and didn't let me know before hand :P

Uhm, I'm okay. In pain but functional.
No parentals til sunday afternoon

My wrist hurts, stupid RSI. I needa find my bandage. laters.

lolz

i'm tireded but that's nothing new
i'm watching strictest parents and i can totally relate to the girl heh

she said she feels like whatever she does isnt good enough.

mmhmm, i can relate to that. i never feel like anything i do is good enough.
wow, lisa snowdon cannot dive for shit.

oops..

i didn't post last night cause i felt bloody awful. i was in bed pretty early and i slept through the night w/o moving
although i feel better today i still have a headache which isn't being helped by blasting snow patrol at it. but hey it's an awesome song and it makes me want to siiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

fhdj

Our show didn't happen cause he wouldn't load.

And he kneed me in the ribcage when he was showing off in the field.

Show time.

We have a show tomorrow, how exciting!

Reese Witherspoon has two donkeys called Honky Tonk and Badonk-a-donk.

Aw-sum.

Got paid today, wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin.

Bridle is still not fuckin' HERE

vfhcdj

Helping send a email tomorrow.
Tryna find a bridle in case mine doesn't come.

Stressing.

Baah.

I'm part sheep.

uhhuh

Soooo I forgot to add to my post heh.

Oh well.

I feel..idk how I feel. Fail.

I bit my tongueeeee owwwww.

3 Years SI Free.

Boo-fuckin'-yah.

Yeah, I'm in a TC will post more laterrr.

Something.

I am..tired.
I am..urgy.
I am..insanely triggered.

But, let's pretend.

Sleeeeeep

I need it. It's not being cooperative with me!

I think it's avoiding me you know...hiding from me >.>

I'm insane. It's official.

Hmm..feeling creative.

Okay.

So I'm feeling better. Still hormonal. Still urgy and triggered but okay.

Most of you know I'm taking a break from being a redhat. It's now extended. I will be back..just not for a little bit longer. Thinking of having a temp name change til then.

I'm sleepy and I have work tomorrow laterssss

fbdhj

tired beyond belief
watching harry potter not looking forward to the triggery bit..at all

23.55

urgy...tired..hormonal...bah.

222.

Mmmm, matching numbers. Most beautious.

Today was.. busy. I rode, then I dealt with Moose, then I was home for a smidge before work -.-

Work starts again properly tomorrow, til Friday which is obv the wedding thennnnn I have Monday off, woo.

I get remodded Monday too.

Holy jesus I'm fucking tired. Although I slept last night I'm still absolutely shitted.

oo

My next post will be 222!

I like numbers like that heh

I'm so tiiiiired and I go back to work tomorrow, fail. Admittedly..it's only for 3 days lol but still.

Zoh's first show should be soooon, exciteddddd/scaredddd. He'll be okay *nod*

lol

"I'm about to put a needle in your face, I'd appreciate it if you kept still"

It made me laugh.

And I'm watching Grey's Anatomy. Eh.

WOAH, spasm.

Allergies

I have them. They make breathing hard.
I can't breathe.
My throat hurts like fuck.
My eyes are burning.
And if I sneeze one more time I'm going to scream.

I wanted to watch Avatar today, but Rachel's got it so I watched X-men Origins: Wolverine instead. I'll watch Avatar tomorrow cause Rach said she'd give it back and and and I'll take Salt for Nina's OH.

I did a serious post on Pandy's. Please god don't tell me if you read it. It won't help.

We had thunder today. Yeah. Fail.

Trailerr

We had Zoh on the trailer today, freakin' scared much?! I was shaking like a leaf and I felt so nervous and terrified and absolutely shitting it it was unbelievable. I actually cried. Full blown hysterical crying. I was so scared of him getting hurt heh
He was really really good though :]

And he went out in his new fly rug, which he's scared of -.-'

Uhm, I re-watched the newest Harry Potter today, I like it, cept the bit where Bellatrix carves "mudblood" into Hermione's arm. That bit I don't like esp when I'm SI urgy. It triggered meeee.

Tomorrow is super busy..I have to put Ellie out, go to work, bring Ellie in, have a riding lesson, back to work, ride May, deal with Ellie/Zoh. Yay busy <3

Gah.

Rach told Nina that I SI'd.
When I was out with Nina I rolled my sleeves up because I wanted to tan and she stared at my upper arms for ages when she didn't think I was watching.

It made me really uncomfortable and I wish I hadn't told her anything.

There's nothing I can do about it...but it makes me feel icky. Eh.

My hair smells so nice. I just showered *is proud*

Yeaaaaah.

yh

i was remodded to help w/ a TC on SI..really needed it.
was a much welcome and needed distraction.

eh will post more later

By jove.

I don't even know what that means!

We're watching Biggest Loser US and it's making me think. If these guys can get off their ass and lose all this weight, why the hell can't I get up and exercise? I don't have an excuse.

Eh, before I go all blerghy about weight. I will ramble instead, yay me.

Zoey's being spayed tomorrow so that could well be interesting lol she'll have a cone of shame and everything bless 'er.

I totally chilled in the sun today and it was really nice heh

Yeah...

Owwy.

Ellie trod on my ankle bone!
Proper slid down it and ow it hurts! It's swollen and has a big ass bruise coming up!

In other news (I feel like a newsanchor!) Ellie is doing okay and Zoh had a saddle on last night ^.^ He didn't come over to the gate so he didn't come in.

Right now, I'm on a break from Chat Modding at Pandy's. I've got..stuff going on and I can't deal with that on top of everything right now.

I have been emailing the samaritans though, so yay me?

My head is poundinggg. And I have the dentist tomorrow

Bah.

I'm sleepy, what's new?!

This is a dozed in the living room with dad about kinda sleepy, so it's pretty serious!

I have the dentist on Tuesday, both Panda and Mistry O.O

Zo's being spayed on Weds

Dvd day Thurs with my friends <3

I'm actually really excited and Dentist isn't freaking me out THAT much, weird huh?

Laminitis.

Ellie has laminitis again. We're working on dealing with it...stopping it before it progresses.

But it means I have to be SO aware of what she's eating etc and really really restrict her.

Ugh, it's 01.14am and I need to go to bed..like now.

23.15

I'm so freakin' cold. I don't even know how, I'm in many clothes! And, I have Barney the microwaveable sheep on my lap too ^.^

We walked Zoh and Jaff round to the fair today, bless 'em they were really good lol

And he has an itchy mane so he was louse powdered which he wasn't that happy about. He cantered out with a poofy white cloud following him lol

I need to be in bed at a decent time today lol, I'm pooped!

yes

i feel so tired. it's a draining tired.

i just showered and i looked at my arms..i have THE weirdest tan lines
from my hands to just above my elbow is brilliantly tanned
above that? fucking white.
i'm tempted to just rip the sleeves off an old top or buy like a basketball vest for when the sun comes out cause i want an even tan this year!
i do not want pale feet!
and i want tanned legs.
it'll happen.

bghnemk

Yup.

So Pandy's was down for a bit, but it's back up, but not up to where it should beeee.

It's been stressful.

Oo I like this song. I don't know what it is, but I'm watching Serendipity because Scream scared me shitless.

I've been talking to some Pandy's folk on MSN in a group chat and it's been keeping me sane heh

I'm so tired o.o it's like 00.22 (i'm posting late) but I don't wanna go to bed!

fleh.

it's a word.
i'm feeling kinda rough atm, it's half ill cause i have a cold and half shitty ptsd crap

i did a srs post and now i want to delete it and burn it in the depths of hell. but i'm not going to cause i need it out.

i also realy have to pee so i'm cutting this short!

Mew-sik

I love Adele's Rolling in the deep. I love Tiffany Alvord ft Jake Coco's version even more. It makes me happy and it's playing now and frying my brain cause my head hurts so much lol
I fell asleep listening to it earlier which hurtttttt

Zoh's so restless from the grass and he's driving me slightly insane but I know it isn't his fault lol. I'm tempted to ride Ellie tomorrow mostly cause I mis riding a non wonky balanced horse. Cause May's really been hurting my lower body!

She has her scans tomorrow as well, I hope they go okay, she's kinda grown on me heh.

Other than that I'm insanely tired.

Fell show

Jaff was so good today. He totally took is all in his stride and he spent 90% of his time yelling! He saw his bro as well which was cute ^.^
There were some totally gorgeous horses there! Gotta love the natives lol

I'm pooped! And we have a staff chat for the CM's today o.o

Baff Time.

Today was baff time.

We washed the dogs who look stupid when they aren't poofy.

Then we did wee Jaffa.

Then Ellie and I had some bonding time while I bathed her :] she kept turning her head to watch me, it was really cute ^.^ When I was scraping the excess water off her she was grooming mum :D

I love me my moosey <3

Whale.

Fail Whale.

Kinda a late post so I'm not gunna say much (do I ever?)

Feeling drowsy, bought a new hoody today and it's really warm. Looks kinda like http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41X70dVz0tL._AA300_.jpg that, but it's extra large so I have room.

Bought some cool socks tooooo.

Je t'aime petit poisson.

Hamster.

I washed one of Zoh's legs today..it was difficult to do just one!

I keep meaning to play guitar but I keep forgetting lol.

I'm so so tired that when I get home from riding I just flump on the chair and chill out on the computer.

2 weeks off starts tomorrow! Going to work at 1.30 finishes at 3.30. 2 weeks off, then Monday off, back Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, off Friday for the wedding, off Monday for May bank holiday....3 weeks and 45 squid pay. Fail.

tired

i am very. alethea came today zoh was really good. hadda run home/to work and was nearly late. going in early on friday cause they break up at 1.20 so we're going in at 1.30 or maybe 2.30. meant to post last night but was something mm yeah eh tired now bye

ew

yeah i didnt post, sorry

200 posts.

I actually feel really really proud of myself for having posted 200 times! It's a freakin' miracle.
And to top it off, I have actually posted every day (sometimes more than once!) since New Years. Some have been serious. Others not so much. But I have posted.

Today I've had 3 missed calls from an unknown number and for some reason it's stuck in my mind and it's annoying.

Pony Boy was much better today <3 I do love him.
Moose is looking SO well! She's thin and I'm going to start walking her out every day soon ^.^
In the Easter holidays what I want to do (if I'm not riding May) is ride Ellie in the morning with the MacDougall crewage and walk Zoh afterwards. But, if I am riding May what I'll do is walk Zoh in the morning and Ellie in the afternoon/evening :] Get all three of us fit at the same time lol

A negative, Oasys has integrated. I will remove her and Kat from their respective pages.

199

I have 199 posts. Admittedly like 99 of them have been utter twaddle. Time to be a little honest I think.

I've been struggling a fair amount. More than I've been willing to admit. Fortunately, I've had a fairly low flashback count recently which I'm so happy with because I don't think I can deal with them on top of everything else.

I've been pretty distant with..most people actually. I do NOT want to talk about why. If you don't know it's because, and yes I'm being honest, I don't want you to know for whatever reason.
And no, bugging me will not make me tell you, I'll be even less likely to.

I've been far less urgy lately, I think it's with being so busy. It's kept my mind occupied plus riding is oh so therapeutic and it makes me happy.

Alethea is coming on Wednesday to do some Show training with Zoh and I. What I plan on doing is bringing Ellie in, then Jaffa, then Zoh.

Speaking of Zoh, we had thunder today which totally freaked him out and the heavy heavy rain on the tin roof didn't exactly calm him down. He was so scared of everything he stood in the middle of his stable with his eyes on stalks shaking from head to toe and hopping from foot to foot. I ended up quickly rugging him up and running out to the field hoping and praying there was no more thunder and thankfully there wasn't!
Needless to say I was absolutely soaking wet, shivering from the cold and still freaked from the thunder. I do not, under any circumstances, like thunder. Nor can I deal with it. And I don't much want to talk about why. Not here anyway.
Do you know how hard it is to calm down a dangerously scared horse? It's beyond difficult.
Now..do you know how hard it is to calm down a dangerously scared horse while you are terrified, shaking and so very not calm? Impossible. He needed me to tell him with my body that it wasn't scary and I successfully managed to scare him more I think. And that was no mean feat. He was so scared bless him.

Pish

My wrist hurts ¬.¬

And and and I'm watching Transporter 2 which is..novel.

I'm insanely sleepy but the film is far awesome.

I'm riding tomorrow at 10..turning Moose out first and bring her back in afterwardssss, then I wanna watch a film with Momma ^.^

Happy April Fools

Today is 1st April in a month and 1 day I will be 3 years totally free of SI.
Exciiiiiiting.

I slept for AGES last night I was srsly pooped, judging by the knot in my duvet I had some dodgy dreams. But I remember zero.

I'm still tired though!

I'm riding May tomorrow after Barb's so w00t.

The grazing pen is going up on Monday, vunderbarg.

Last day of March

And by jesus am I pooped!

And with that I'm going to bed lol before midnight *shock horror*

Bleh

Feeling kinda shitty.
Well a lot shitty.
But I'm tired more than anything.

My head's kinda spinning..lotsa stuff in it I don't want to be there. But I'm so tired I like can't stop it or anything.

I wanna be in bed before midnight..mm.

Dentist in the morning, ew.
My antihistimine is wearing off, depressinggggggg

We watching A nice day for a Greek wedding, I say we, I mean I'm in the living room and it happens to be on.

This song adds to my sleepy.

Righto

Today is..Tuesday.
I didn't really do a lot lol, riding, work stables :P

I'm so freaking tired though. But now I'm going to watch Futurama :D

Bon Anniversere.

Happy Birthday Petit Poisson. I love you so much. I hope your day is a-okay. Je t'aime <3 xxx

Sleep yo

I so need some. I'm freakin' pooped! I actually fell asleep on the sofa earlier, partly due to a migraine but mostly due to feeling a weight lifted. Mm, I need to eat soon cause my stomach has the empty belly pain. Not that I'm complaining. But Ali is. Kat Kat has fully integrated, she went the other night. Some of the others are beginning to fade too.

Clocks

Clocks jumping fuddled everything ¬.¬ However. My ride was largely uneventful unlike last time lol. We took Zoh out for his walk, he did really well, ended up lead file, didn't really give a shit which was aweeeesomeeeee. I spoke to Little Fish today (je t'aime petit poisson), made me realise just how much I missed her...talking again felt like home. Like half of me had been missing. It feels nice to be back in one piece. What have I done? I wish I could run, away from this ship going under. So I'm in love with this song. It's official. "Get it right" it's by Glee. It makes me happy/sad. Okay, I'm going to bed, I'm poopeded.

Slow post.

This post is slow because I was doing my first TC and it took some prep!

It went really well actually!

I get to mess with trans tomorrow and do a recap of it lol

Time to think up a TC for late April/May.

Sleepy time for me now I'm wiped lol

Chicken

So we had a clicker session with Helen today and Zoh did really well, he caught on ninja fast!
Then tonight he got choke again. Scared me shitless, made me feel pathetic and helpless.

Rode May today, all went well, probably the calmest ride we've had.

I jumped Lofty the other day, it was totally awesome. I felt very unsafe like 2 strides away from the jump and had a mild panic but he was brilliant and just went straight over, it was brilliant fun heh.

I was actually in bed before midnight last night! A freakin' miracle.

le snore

So tired.

Tomorrow I'm riding May at ten.
Helen is coming at 11.30.
Work at 3.30.

Need to text Di to see how Pat is.

Need to wash Zoh's legs at the weekend. He had a fly fringe on today and I'm pretty sure it annoyed him all day.

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.

Todd.

I found a frog and I named him Todd. Aw-sum.

He was epic, but I let him go.

On a brighter note. I want to SI.

Catching up with the 30 day PP cause I'm a day out ¬.¬

bhnjdk

i.am.sleey.

i feel like death, going tbed.

Well ow

Physio killed my wrists :( I really need to put my supports on but I really don't want to cause I'm so bleh with touch right now.

Honestly I'mma miss some of the people at Physio, they were pretty funny.

I can't really type much..I'm having a belh-y freak out.

eep

slightly belated post

kinda tired didn't ride today, didn't walk zoh out either. bleh.

bath broke -.-'

eh i have wonky words! i'll make a post that makes sense later lol

woop

I'm dogsittting today for Nina, I love her little dog he's so cute.

I dunno if I'll be able to connect to the internet or not there, if I can it'll only be MSN that I'm on.

Watching You've been framed and shit it's funny lol

I'm not riding May tomorrow cause Fizz is.

I'm tired so I'mma go flump somewhere, baaaai.

Indubitubly

I spelt it wrong but I'm too tired to care.

Today was interesting, didn't really do much outta the ordinary..well anything outta the ordinary. Zoh decided today he didn't wanna be in his stable when he knew his haynet was outside so he walked out lol.

Wanna walk him out Sundaaaay.

Vet is coming Tuesday, Dentist Thursday, Helen Friday. Busy busy.

Might not be riding May for much longer cause Fizz wants to ride her again. But Nina said she'd gimme a lesson on Lofty, yay.

My eyes hurt!

My eyeballs actually kill. I'm not even kidding I don't know what I've done but they feel llike they've been hydrated.

Which brings me to my next point. I decided I don't like water, so I want dehydrated water which would be Hydrogen gas. H2.. Does anyone have any lying around?

Jesus, I'm tempted to go to bed now, I'm so wiped.

Oopsy

Day 4:

Place I'd like to visit. Spanish Riding School

Feeling vaguely proud

For those of you that know I've had a blade in the back of my phone for like..god knows how long, I took it out yesterday. I still have it, but it's no longer on my person all of the time. It made me feel pretty nervous actually and probably didn't add to my shittiness of last night, but I'm still kinda proud of myself heh.

I told Rach too and she said she was proud of me, but I need to get rid of it. So instantly I want it back because I'm scared of not having it around. I have plenty..I don't know why it stresses me out so much. I do want to get rid of at least one this month. And I will. Cause I can do this..right?

I wanna walk Zoh out this weekend, hopefully. Or at least take him out the gate to the other gate and see if Mick'll let me turn him out that way insteada through the fields.

I didn't post my Day 3 picture, so like here it is.

Wennnnsday.

I didn't ride today, May had light therapy and she's not rideable tomorrow either, butttt I'll be riding on Friday. But I'm riding Moose tomorrow :]

I'm insanely tired, I'm about to fall in the shower after doing FSaF and thennnn I will probably go to bed.

I had to cover a TC today o.o' 3 mods..one had to scoot, one was eaten by the internet and that left me! It wasn't great lol. Prepared I was not.

Mm, time to FSaF.

Day 2

Photo of you at least a year ago

Boo

I r sleepy.

I'm meant to be going to the cinema with Dave..but it sucks because we're both busy now and we can't :(
I like going out with Dave, he makes me happy ^.^

I should be getting paid from McDougall on saturday so I'mma buy a 1/2 sized aco and a uke. It's cause I'm cool.

My knee hurts and I'm not sure why, hmm.

Hopefully soon I'll be able to take Zoh out for a walkypoo ^.^ yay

Ow

I have a headacccccccccccche. I'm trying to blast it out with music..yeah that's totally working -.-'
I think I have an early night coming, I say that..I really don't lol

I've started a 30 day photo challenge on FB, but I'll post the pictures here too!

Day 1: Photo of you

Bobbity

By Jesus I'm fucked. I'm SO freaking tired. I've worked everyday this week and I'll do the same next week. Tomorrow I'm riding May, then I have physio, then work, then yard. Tues, Weds, Thurs, Fri are the same minus physio. Saturday I have yard, work, then riding May, then work and yard. Sunday is just May unless I get asked to look after Pat.

Mm, I feel like I wanna cry. I'm not feeling all that stable lol
I don't know why I laughed it isn't funny.

I wish life wasn't so..confusing right now.

Heh

First day of new work today, went well. May was a gay which means I'll have my job for a while :P

I'm still insanely sleepy! I had...oo a good 2 hours sleep last night

Jakey bit my thumb earlier and it bled so now I'm insanely urgy. But I have a bat shaped plaster on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm in trouble for looking at "bad" pictures.

Jake is chewing Ozzie on my lap o.o

Ew, I have work tomorrow. I'll have worked 7 days this week. Fail.

Scooooooore.

I got another job today hahahaha, I'm riding a horse for a friend. It'sa be awesome.

Farrier is here tomorrow because Twig lost a shoe and Zoh needs a trim desperately!

In a couple of weeks I wanna take Zoh down the road, it'll be less than 5 minutes, just because I want him to start getting into the swing of things!

Oo, I'll do a Shadymont after this if I can be bothered.

Well this years Eurovision song sucks arse. Not even kidding. Gawd, I think my ear drums are breaking.

I need to go to the TC in a biiiiit, it's on FB, no not FaceBook. Flashbacks!

Hmm, I've been feeling kinda low this last few days, but I think with this busy weekend itsa help me out a lot :)

x

Somewhere.

Somewhere - Within Temptation. Love.

Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign
Instead there is only silence can't you hear my screams?
Never stop hoping, need to know where you are
But one thing is for sure you're always in my heart

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened
The truth will free my soul

Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home
I want to embrace you and never let you go
Almost hope you're in heaven so no one can hurt your soul
Living in agony 'cause I just do not know where you are

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened
The truth will free my soul

Wherever you are, I won't stop searching
Whatever it takes, I need to know

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened
The truth will free my soul

Yawn

I can not stop yawning! I was up at 7 this morning -.-' at the yard by 8am :O the horses were most confused lol.

Work was..interesting. Aziz didn't turn up til nearly 5, Jodie smacked her head on a door so did Sam, and I picked up some glass and got acid on my hand -.-'

I won't mention what I wanted to do with the glass in my hand. I also won't mention the fucking awful thought in my head atm.

And with that, I'm wandering to doze lol

Byezebye

Okay

As I keep saying, JESUS I'M TIRED! I'm pretty sure the best way to combat that is to actually sleep but y'know, life hates me.

I've been feeling..weird lately. Slightly out of control kinda weird. I'mma be at the stables insanely early tomorrow so I'mma take Moose out for a nice ride and hopefully stay calm and in control..

I have to walk to work tomorrow, it's like..less than 15 minutes walk but I'll still complain lol. I literally have to walk across the dip, up the road and down a short road and I'm there!

Ali keeps playing Jessie J inside and it's like stuck in my head so I keep listening to it outside..it's depressing I like it ¬.¬

Slightly less worried about Zoh than I was.

And see as I'm completely ignoring my current..issue. I'm going to take the time to bitch about it vaguely. I wish it would go away. I'm fed up of it and I don't want it again.

Bai.

Shadymont #8

Shadymont #8:

“I need some supple wood, find some saplings.” Scout and Hollo split away and returned after a short while dragging a sapling under each arm. Tosha split the saplings and attached them together with the vine. “I need more vine” as she spoke Scout took off up a vine and pulled it down in the same way Tosha had before. Hollo and Scout helped to pull the three pigs onto the makeshift sled and lashed them down using the second vine. Using half of the vine, Tosha made a pair of quick harnesses which she looped round herself and Scout before attaching them to the sled.
“I can help,” said Hollo stepping forwards.
“You’ll be more help in the air, we will be moving slow, I need you to make sure there is no one near.” Hollo leapt into the air, switching into the familiar owl shape while Scout and Tosha shifted into wolves. Growling lightly, Scout pulled forwards, digging his claws into the ground needing the sled to make the first move to make the rest of the journey easier. As it slowly slid forwards they morphed into horses making it easier to pull the sled. Speeding up to a slow trot the pair of them easily kept pace with the pale owl floating smoothly ahead.

“Stop.” Said Tosha loudly as she shifted. “Something isn’t right.” She stepped out of the harness and paused, she shifted into her collie form before dropping her nose and trotting forwards. She paused with her front leg lifted her nose raised in the air; morphing she leant down and touched the ground. “There was a struggle.” She stood and turned to Scout. “Someone has our family.” Scout dropped to his knees. Tosha cast her mind as far as it would go searching for the faintest sign of her family. She could hear a faint whisper of Bux’s voice; turning to face it she took off and cawed loudly as she flew. She continued to shout with her mind to Bux. She could hear gently flapping behind her and reached back to sense Scout and Hollo behind her. Scout’s mind was in turmoil, he had never been without his family before and she could feel him falling apart.
“I need you to stay strong, Scout. I need you to help me with this.” He cawed his response and continued to fly.
“Tosha! Scout!” shouted a voice.
“Bux!” they responded in unison.
“Don’t come any closer! Soriters. They have us all, follow us at a distance and we’ll keep you up to date. I don’t think they realise we are teles or there are more of us. Keep out of sight, I mean it.” Tosha dropped down and landed human, Scout and Hollo followed.
“What’s happening?” question Hollo.
“Soriters have our family.” Hollo went pale.
“What are their names, I might know them, I might be able to talk to them.” Tosha questioned Bux and he explained he didn’t know. She relayed the information to Hollo.
“We need to think about this tactically. We need food, we need to go and deal with the pigs. They’re set up for the night; they won’t be leaving until first light that gives us...8 hours at best.” She placed her hand gently on Scout’s shoulder. “We’ll get them back, don’t worry.” He smiled faintly at her before following her to go back and fetch the pigs.

Bux passed the message along to the others; Tosha and Scout were nearby. He saw Finora relax as she knew her boy was safe. Malet had her eyes closed; she was connected to all the members of her family, Hollo included, via the necklaces. She had injected a little of herself into each of them so she could sense if they wearer was who it was supposed to be and deal with them if it was not. She could sense that the hunting party was close; she could also sense that the metal was pulling a little power from them as they rested. She looked at Bux and he opened her mind.
“They are safe.” He smiled gratefully to her before thanking her.

Hokay.

Hokay, soooooo, I needa post this, it's bugging me.

Today, while sorting out haynets I had one of the most intense body memories I've ever had the misfortune to have. It literally knocked me off my feet and I fell backwards into the second haylage bale and slid to the floor. I don't remember much but I know my eyes glazed over and I could only feel the memory. I could feel his hands on my wrists and his weight across my chest. Rach finally got me to look at her and even though I could see she had my hand I couldn't feel it. When I eventually got up she asked me if I was okay (which was clearly a no) and I responded I felt slightly light headed because I hadn't drunk enough lately. She looked at me like I'd just told her I was part platypus or something so clearly she didn't believe me! I wonder why >.>

Anywho that's all, laters