Oops

I don't think I posted yesterday, not that it makes a difference. My post are hardly full of wisdom lately. I saw that like they usually, lul.

I'm hormonal, someone really pissed me off today aaaand it made me really urgy which is a bit shite.

Had some nasty ass body mems today which I could do without.

Started doign some writing though which is good, I need a distraction.

W/e

I didn't blog last night because I didn't feel particularly well and by I didn't feel well, what I mean is I had some shit horrible flashbacks/body memories. I went to bed and by the time I got to sleep, it was about 3am. I felt rough as fuck. My body is so tired.

Oh. It's Jake and Zoey's birthday today, they're 1. Happy Birthday to them.

Hmm, I wanna watch Glee.

Hokay.

Hokay, soooooo, I needa post this, it's bugging me.

Today, while sorting out haynets I had one of the most intense body memories I've ever had the misfortune to have. It literally knocked me off my feet and I fell backwards into the second haylage bale and slid to the floor. I don't remember much but I know my eyes glazed over and I could only feel the memory. I could feel his hands on my wrists and his weight across my chest. Rach finally got me to look at her and even though I could see she had my hand I couldn't feel it. When I eventually got up she asked me if I was okay (which was clearly a no) and I responded I felt slightly light headed because I hadn't drunk enough lately. She looked at me like I'd just told her I was part platypus or something so clearly she didn't believe me! I wonder why >.>

Anywho that's all, laters

Flashbaaaaacks

just had a shower, flashback city.

bleh, took me by surprise, i wasn't expecting them..especially not that vivid. i normally get sight and often hearing but not everything it was like a body memory and a flashback as one and it sucked. i just froze and bleh now i feel shittyer.

i knew it'd be bad coming up to v-day but it's a whole lot worse than i thought

3 days

meh, struggling even more w/ ED stuff
really not wanting stuff in my mouth atm

really can't cope with people right now or anything

been thinking a lot about..stuff

need to post about what's triggered this shit tonight and i don't want to

mm body memory bye

Beep.

sWent riding today. It wasn't as relaxing as it should've been. Danna was being a knob, kept running up behind Ellie and into her ass, she put up with it for a long time but finally snapped and lashed out and almost connected with Danna's foreleg. Then Cilla was being stupid on Lucy. I can't even go into it cause it'll annoy me.

I accidently lashed out at Smell. I was in Ellie's stable fighting with a body memory and she tapped me on the back, directly where I could feel him. I spun and struck out with my fist and only as my hand was about to connect did I see it was her, I managed to deflect a lot of the power but I still connected with her jaw. Feel guilty as shit but I wouldn't hurt her on purpose even though she drives me insane sometimes.

Jaffa jumped on my foot today ¬.¬ MASSIVE bruise and fuuuuuuck it hurts!

Erm, I'm still really urgy. Really struggling to keep myself from SI'ing and really fighting to stay grounded.

Ow. My foot hurts cause Jakey jumped on it -.-

blerghh

mmm am urgy
and i'm struggling w/ body mems right now so i cant do much more than say ow and go..so like yes bye

Bonsoir.

Today I feel: In a bitta pain
Why I feel like I do: Cause I facebutted a metal chair arm and body memories
What I'm going to do about it: Take painkillers?

First off, I want to say Rest In Peace to little Woody who died today. He was a happy little terrier and he'll be missed like crazy.



So, I'm finally back up on my computer! I have this funky little doohicky that flashes blue which is boosting my internet so I can stay connected finally!!

I got my calendar today so I'm all organised and it's wonderful.

Only 3 days til I go and see Zohan, I'm so excited. I might drop Helen a line and ask her if she wants to come up with me even though she's more of a furry beastie lover rather than the fine ones that I'm looking at. I'll drop her a line tomorrow if I remember!

After having written up about T yesterday I've found myself struggling with body memories and I've managed to split my lip which is actually quite painful and probably doesn't help I keep poking it..
I need to shower tomorrow which should help but I'm still struggling wuite a bit but it'll get better.

And now I've run outta tings to say, soooo laters lol.

Hugs to all, love ya and take care!

<3

update to my previous update

bhorse is a no go til after christmas, so basically. No.
hawk n lixxie have settled in well

dadssingingandhisvoiceisscaringmefeellikei'mmahaveapanicattack.

dentist on dec 2nd

being yelled at for helping w/ Jaffa
being yelled at for not helping w/ Jaffa
lose:lose.

alford rang, still don't have a job

bought a reindeer w/ a rainbow coloured body, Cassie named him Custard, she got Bay to replicate him inside so she can always have him

riding on monday w/ rachel going on ellie

embers up for sale

uhm...batman's present arrived
needa actually sew together his christmas present

bought some new plecs and some piks

needa tidy bedroom on monday

flashbacky and shit lately
triggered myself w/ part of my nano
if i hit my nano target on time i'mma post my story here in bits but if i don't then i won't

er...body memories suck ass
was sat downstairs and felt something on my back, knew it was his hand and then i skipped the middle of it and just hit me with the worst bit, i actually lifted out of my chair and yelped
hurt

miss you little fish, love you
love you batman, see you soon
hi anyone else reading this
(though i don't think there is anyone else)

fucking hate dad he's eing a shit face
fucking neil diamond he isn't even fucking watching it the stupid fucking tosser

body memories

body memories
tryna convince myself isnt real
tryna convince myself is just in my head
scared
can feel him holding my wrists
can feel him behind me
feel him on my chest holding me
feelhiminside
throatssore
chestssore
wristssore
insidessore
dont know if pains are real pains or memory pains
keeps switching
different pains
different places
dunno how much more can take before i break


"But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside."

00.10 *SI Triggers*

s'10 past tomorrow
seeing clicker lady Wednesday
saw her today
saw alpacas, turkeys, horses, dogs, goats and geese
Geese.
scare me
hadda be social
hadda be happy go lucky
mask started slip
"are you okay"
yeah
"are you okay"
yes i'm fine
"are you okay"
yes i'm tired

am i really okay?
not even close
wanna si
wanna bleed
wanna burn
can visualise it all in my head
on the edge
feel like am barely holding on
gunna fall into flashbacks hard and fast
already got the body memories
the heightened gag reflex
phantom wrist and ankle pain
don't want flashbacks
don't want the suicidal feelings
don't want the suicidal thoughts
just don't want
struggling to function
can barely keep pretending

gunna be sick