saw him
she talked to him
offered him lift home
hadda sit next to him
touched me
arm
hand
leg
other places
bad places
she said he should teach me guitar
no wanna
no wanna
dont make me
scared
feel him
feel touch
smell him
smell bad
scary
feel sick
feel his hands
make it stop
make it stop
make him go way
flashbacks mixing with real
dunno whatta believe
dunno whats real
feel him
stop
stop
stop
nononono
please

Mm..sorry.

Been away for a while. Spuddy was put down on Friday morning. I went with him and I watched him go. Watched his life drain away. His lungs were bleeding bad. When he went blood came out his nose and mouth. Was best choice. Miss him.

We're getting puppies. "To fill the hole." House is empty. When I come home, there's no Spuddy to greet me at the door. When Postie posts no Spuddy to bark at him. No Spuddy to say g'night to. Say I love him every night. Tell him good night. Ask God to keep him safe. Hope He listens. Just this once. I love my Spuddy and I always will.

Gotta make a card for Kyumi to say thank you. She cried when she put him down. Almost much as me and Dad.

Puppies are a boy and a girl. Jake and Zoey. Jake is mine and Zoey is Smell's. Get 'em in 25 days. Excited. But..scared. Scared Spuddy will think I'm replacing him.

Wanna SI. Been playing with blades when noone can see. Charlie stopped me hurting myself Friday night. Wish she hadn't.

Wanna go see Ellie. Calms my mind. Makes it shut up. Ghost's been bugging the boys. They get annoyed. Charlie gets annoyed. Charlie gets mad. Shouts. Scares us. Littles get shaky. So do I.

Gun play guitar.

Love you Little Fish. Love you Batman.
Sorry I'm not better than this.

Indeedy.

I'm tired. I'm bored and I don't know whatta do w/ myself. I don't have school no more so I'm running about like a headless chicken!
Might take Ellie out for a walk tomorrow, stretch her legs and strengthen her tendons.
Feeling kinda urgy and I'm being forced to watch The Reaping, which has a beautiful river of blood. Brilliant..
S'Father's Day today...we did nothing.
Don't wanna go t'bed cause of nightmares. Might try and write out the flashback I tried to write up before and failed at.

Gotta new alter, she's called Sabrae, she'sa Pixie an she's technically the leader of the Pixie's but she's surrendered that title to Jax and she's teaching them more about their beliefs and the history of it.

Uh..thas bout it.
Haven't posted for a while because I can't be arsed and such.

Blergh.

Stupid nightmares are making sleep not happen.
Lnks into a flashback I attempted to write about and chickened out on.
Spuddy's still unwell.
I want to SI.
A lot.
Watching POTC 3..sorta.
Feeling really uneasy.
Butterflies in my belly. And I'm not 100% on why.
Tired.
No longer in school. No more rules. No more..nothing.
Scary.
Dinner and I don't want it.

Potato.

The Spud is home.
Il est à la maison! Je t'aime petit chien!
Some random Frog there for you.

Uh...idk what else to say.
My boss's father died at the weekend.
Ellie is much better. Less lame, less heat.
I'm in pain, my left wrist is burning hot and owwy.
I dunno what else to say.
High's and low's.
Exam's Weds n Thurs this week.
Getting a new phone so I'mma get Facebook so I can be in contact w/ people when school finishes.
Oh! I'm no longer at school.
Yeah...thas all.

Quick update on Spuddy.

The vet reckons he has an enlarged spleen (think balloon filled with blood) and it may be cancer BUT that's a vaguely possible better issues. It'd explain why his lungs were bleeding. Plus side? They can deal with it, and they've been treating him for Lungworm. They will be doing a scan soon and they're gunna call us between 2/3 to tell us how he is. And, with that Mum's gunna check and see if we can visit cause I miss the Spuddink.
But he's perky, bright and being nosy and he ate something earlier but he's still on a drop cause of the loss of blood.

Luffoo Mr Tatoe. <3 xxxx

Sorry I felled asleep Little Fish.

Spud.

For those of you who read my blog that I haven't already told. Spud isn't well. He is possibly dying. His lungs were bleeding, he has lost a lot of blood and it was touch and go whether he would come round from the anasthetic. He came round, but his chances of survivial are 50/50 and if he does survive, because of his age, it's probably not going to be good. He will have secondary issues because of the problem and if he does survive he's going to be on medication and such for a long time. The vet is doing everything she possibly can because she loves him. We're hoping to be able to visit him tomorrow night but we're going to be told tomorrow whether or not we can go. If we do, I'm leaving my hoodie behind with him so he has something to remind him to keep fighting and get better. If he's better, he's coming home monday. For those religious people who read, please pray for him, if you're not religious please cross fingers and wish him well!

Keep fighting Spuddink, you can do this. Je t'aime petit chien <3 xxxx

Wonder.

I remembered I need to post lyrics. So here goes.
They aren't triggery, but there is a vague mention of SI. So, please be aware.

Wonder by Megan McCauley
Midnight workings, weather down the storyline
I try to find the truth between all the lies
When bleeding is feeling and feeling ain't real
Will I see you when I open my eyes?
Will I see you when I open my eyes?

When breathing's a burden we all have to bear
And trust is one thing we're taught never to share
Somehow you just seem to shine
When loving means breaking and saying goodbye

(Chorus)
And I can't help but wonder what it is you do
You help heal the pain, and the thoughts of the truth
You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world
And somehow, when I'm with you, I never get burned

Caught in a trap of what we're taught to believe
When night overcomes day, life's so hard to preceve
And the clock keeps on ticking through night-shattered skies
Where the stars are all broken, and so are all the ties
But the one thing remaining is you
When I'm broken and bleeding, you pull me right through

And I can't help but wonder what it is you do
When you help heal the pain, and the thoughts of the truth
You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world
And somehow, when I'm with you there's nothing I'd rather do
Than be right there
To escape my own life and all my fear
And I cant feel
Am I really real?

Come and wipe all my tears
Come and wipe all my tears

And I can't help but wonder what it is you do
You help heal the pain, and the thoughts of the truth
You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world
And somehow, when I'm with you...
I can't help but wonder what it is you do
You help heal the pain, and the thoughts of the truth
You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world
And somehow, when I'm with you, I never get burned



Pretty song.

Lul.

I need to post...so here I am.
I'm sat in the common room "working" *cough* listening to Bad Romance by Glee folk.
I had my Chem exam this morning, I think it went okay. I kept coughing and distracting people and two moderators asked if I was okay I was like...yeah, ill. Speaking's weird.
Uhmm...I have to watch Le Mepris tonight else I'mma fail my exam lulz.
Uh...if I remember I'll get Dougie to put up some basic phrases in Pixie but I'll prolly forget and be watching a frnehc film...so I can't spell that word. I typed it FOUR times and it's still wrong. I will call them Frog People and be done with it. *rewrites sentence*
I'll prolly forget and be watching a Frog People Film.
Better.
So..yeah. Frog People singing in my ear. Skillz.

Freaked out the other day..don't remember much, remember being scared, stressed and twitchy which is something I do when I'm stressed or overly high on sugar. Depends...
I wanna write up a flashback I've been having but y'know school isn't the greatest place to do that!
I've lost Dave.
I saw Rory and Jeff leave but I have lost Dave and he will sneak up on me and scare me and end up getting hurt when I spasm out.

It's too hot for life today. If I could quit coughing that'd be AWESOME.
Jellie bellie is okay Mum said, she hadda deal with her today cause y'know...I'm at school. She's still lame, still has heat in the leg, still swollen, still stabled and bandaged. I'm debating turning her out tomorrow night and bringing her in after my Drama exam, so she's had the oppurtunity to stretch her legs and such like.
I also wanna post the lyrics to Wonder by Megan McCauley which I think I spelt wrong. Someone remind me?

So yeaaaah, I'mma get this prep work done for Drama now so I can do nothing tomorrow :D Skillz.
Oo, I payed for my leavers hoodie. It'sa be ORANGE :D :D Excited much? I think so.
Pulled a muscle in my belly from coughing and it hurts.
Yeah, I'm actually gunna go now..
Laters mashed po-tatas.

So...

So, I'm urgy. Like, totally. And the urge to just grab something sharp right now is immense. I just...want to bleed. Want the release. I don't even know why. I just...do. I want the familiarity I guess.
I just..ugh. I don't know. I just want to do it.
Being told "you can't" isn't helping me. Because it makes me want to do it more because I hate being told what to do because I always do as I'm told. I have to.

Ow. My mother just burnt me with a fucking spoon.
I want to give up.

Monster.

JessJess sent me a song a little while ago called Monster by Meg and Dia and I want to share the lyrics and I'll attach a video of the song as well.
Please be aware it is VERY triggering for SA.

Monster by Meg and Dia

His little whispers.
Love Me. Love Me.
That's all I ask for.
Love Me. Love Me.
He battered his tiny fists to feel something.
Wondered what it's like to touch and feel something.

Monster.
How should I feel?
Creatures lie here.
Looking through the window...

That night he caged her.
Bruised and broke her.
He struggled closer.
Then he stole her.
Violate wrists and then her ankles.
Silent Pain.
Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams.

Monster.
How should I feel?
Creatures lie here.
Looking through the windows.
I will.
Hear their voices.
I'm a glass child.
I am Hannah's regrets.

Monster.
How should I feel?
Turn the sheets down.
Murder ears with pillow lace.
There's bath tubs.
Full of glow flies.
Bathe in kerosene.
Their words tattoed in his veins, yeah.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlQGgDE9NNk
Zunga tor!

Ack.

I have lurgies and I feel like shit warmed up. I keep coughing, and the cough is the kind of one that rips through your throat and forms a film which stops you breathing. I have a stupidly annoying runny nose which isn't helped by the sneezing. AND I have earache.

I'm also complaining a lot right now because I'm hormonal. I'm done now. Just chilling on Pandy's heh.

Love you Little Fish.

Bye-ze-bye