Curse of the Gloamglozer.

dIt's the book I'm reading, it's good heh.

I'm bored, on edge and triggered.

I watched Boy's don't cry it was awesome but it was triggery.

And then I watched SVU...which was triggery.

So guess who is triggered? Yep that'd be me.

Uhm I'm driving w/ Dad tomorrow. We have to get dog food and then get petrol and then tax Mavis. Which reminds me, she doesn't start particularly well. Buuut, I did park her nicely today and I was super proud

OMG AN ADVERT FOR HARRY POTTER!
I asked mum to get the box set on DVD for me. I *love* the Harry Potter series, they are most probably my favourite series book and film, ever.

And today American Beauty and Trainspotting came in the post and soon I should have Dad's 3 DVD's for Christmas and The Runaways which I ordered.

Now Nano is over I totally have time for films, I love it. I really missed film time.

Oh, I did some clicker with Helen and Zoh today, he was really good, it was all about getting him to stay calm and lower his head which is apparently a calming position for a horse. He caught on really fast then got stroppy cause he wasn't doing much physically and he has an attention span like mine..crap.

Mmmmmm, we might be working Jaff a little bit tomorrow with me on him :P Just getting him walking to and fro that kind of thing, though it will probably be Saturday when it's light so we can see what is going on lol

I have cold toes.

And, you know what?
I miss Dave.

I bit my tongue!

OW D:

Uhmmm, Helen is coming to see Zoh on Thursday. And I need toget him either equichaps or some sort of boot to wear because the new horse is coming in the main field and he's got spindly legs and is most likely to be hurt if he get kicked.
Ellie's gunna get involved straight away but she's in season and so is Lizzie so they're currently in love so she's not likely to beat her up lol

Uhm, I'm driving instead of working tomorrow which means driving in the dark for like an hour O.O and my test is on Tuesday at 9.07am and Paul is picking me up at 7.30 D: D: D:

That's about it I think..

Feeling off.

Idk why, but I feel off. I just feel...blegh.

I have my Theory test booked and ready.
I have a driving lesson tomorrow.
Rose is coming to the stables on Friday.
Work on Saturday.
Show on Sunday.
Helen is coming on Monday to do some clicker w/ Zoh.

Chicken

So we had a clicker session with Helen today and Zoh did really well, he caught on ninja fast!
Then tonight he got choke again. Scared me shitless, made me feel pathetic and helpless.

Rode May today, all went well, probably the calmest ride we've had.

I jumped Lofty the other day, it was totally awesome. I felt very unsafe like 2 strides away from the jump and had a mild panic but he was brilliant and just went straight over, it was brilliant fun heh.

I was actually in bed before midnight last night! A freakin' miracle.

le snore

So tired.

Tomorrow I'm riding May at ten.
Helen is coming at 11.30.
Work at 3.30.

Need to text Di to see how Pat is.

Need to wash Zoh's legs at the weekend. He had a fly fringe on today and I'm pretty sure it annoyed him all day.

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.

00.10 *SI Triggers*

s'10 past tomorrow
seeing clicker lady Wednesday
saw her today
saw alpacas, turkeys, horses, dogs, goats and geese
Geese.
scare me
hadda be social
hadda be happy go lucky
mask started slip
"are you okay"
yeah
"are you okay"
yes i'm fine
"are you okay"
yes i'm tired

am i really okay?
not even close
wanna si
wanna bleed
wanna burn
can visualise it all in my head
on the edge
feel like am barely holding on
gunna fall into flashbacks hard and fast
already got the body memories
the heightened gag reflex
phantom wrist and ankle pain
don't want flashbacks
don't want the suicidal feelings
don't want the suicidal thoughts
just don't want
struggling to function
can barely keep pretending

gunna be sick