FB

they suck aaaaaaaahss.

Moose.

I rode Ellie today and it helped stop the FB's. win.

W/e

I didn't blog last night because I didn't feel particularly well and by I didn't feel well, what I mean is I had some shit horrible flashbacks/body memories. I went to bed and by the time I got to sleep, it was about 3am. I felt rough as fuck. My body is so tired.

Oh. It's Jake and Zoey's birthday today, they're 1. Happy Birthday to them.

Hmm, I wanna watch Glee.

199

I have 199 posts. Admittedly like 99 of them have been utter twaddle. Time to be a little honest I think.

I've been struggling a fair amount. More than I've been willing to admit. Fortunately, I've had a fairly low flashback count recently which I'm so happy with because I don't think I can deal with them on top of everything else.

I've been pretty distant with..most people actually. I do NOT want to talk about why. If you don't know it's because, and yes I'm being honest, I don't want you to know for whatever reason.
And no, bugging me will not make me tell you, I'll be even less likely to.

I've been far less urgy lately, I think it's with being so busy. It's kept my mind occupied plus riding is oh so therapeutic and it makes me happy.

Alethea is coming on Wednesday to do some Show training with Zoh and I. What I plan on doing is bringing Ellie in, then Jaffa, then Zoh.

Speaking of Zoh, we had thunder today which totally freaked him out and the heavy heavy rain on the tin roof didn't exactly calm him down. He was so scared of everything he stood in the middle of his stable with his eyes on stalks shaking from head to toe and hopping from foot to foot. I ended up quickly rugging him up and running out to the field hoping and praying there was no more thunder and thankfully there wasn't!
Needless to say I was absolutely soaking wet, shivering from the cold and still freaked from the thunder. I do not, under any circumstances, like thunder. Nor can I deal with it. And I don't much want to talk about why. Not here anyway.
Do you know how hard it is to calm down a dangerously scared horse? It's beyond difficult.
Now..do you know how hard it is to calm down a dangerously scared horse while you are terrified, shaking and so very not calm? Impossible. He needed me to tell him with my body that it wasn't scary and I successfully managed to scare him more I think. And that was no mean feat. He was so scared bless him.

17th

si had work today 1-6 was kinda boring heh

kept getting intense flashbacks but had to force myself to focus through them

debating riding tomorrow but i doubt i will

need to text helen and see if she can come down during the week to get her to do a clicker session w/ me and zoh and maybe smell and jaff

got paid today 120 from monday night, 50 from today and 10 bonus (Y) 20's gone for rent, 20 for haylage/feed and my had 16.20 off me from what i owed her before

need to measure up Zoh for a rug, gunna get him a light weight rug for emergencies

erm..wanting to SI a lot, stupid urges and i still haven't talked to rach about holding my blade for me though i really need to

eh.

love y'all, stay safe x

Feb 15

I made it through my night shift, I rode this morning w/ Rach and Cilla and I haven't had the chance yet to sleep -.-'
I'm just a whoele hell of a lot tired!

Did some more work w/ Zoh today, he was really good actually I write about it on his blog. :)

Erm, I need to write up these two memories soon. Think I'll try and write up the one from when I was 5 tonight.

I was gunna say something else...

OH! I need to have a srs talk w/ Rachel see if she'll hold onto my phone blade for me for a couple of days.

Okay, now I need to stop talking before I pass out.

monday 14th

i have work in an hour and a half, 9pm to 9.30am and i don't wanna go
i want to have the internet especially tonight and i want to try and sleep.
i actually feel sick and dizzy with nerves and it sucks.

today's mostly just been flashback after flashback apart from when i was at the stables. and its drained me and made me so tired

bleh, i don't want to be left alone

Flashbaaaaacks

just had a shower, flashback city.

bleh, took me by surprise, i wasn't expecting them..especially not that vivid. i normally get sight and often hearing but not everything it was like a body memory and a flashback as one and it sucked. i just froze and bleh now i feel shittyer.

i knew it'd be bad coming up to v-day but it's a whole lot worse than i thought

why i've gone down hill

i need to write this, it'sa be triggery and short, i can't deal w/ making it in detail or anything right now..i just need it out..

before i write it out i need to say something and bleh. this has happened before and it makes me feel so incredibly revoulting and dirty its unbelievable..please don't judge me




*SA/R* TRIGGER WARNING* please, PLEASE, take care of yourself and if you aren't safe please don't read it.



as many of you know my father's an arsehole, he's hurt me for many years and so have his friends.
what most of you probably don't realise if my father sells my body a lot, sadly i'm still connected to that body.
2 weeks on friday, my father sold me to a friend of his.
i was with him for probably 3-4 hours
i dont much want to talk about what he did, though it's not hard to guess.
i didn't know who it was, i was blindedfolded but i could hear his voice
2 days ago dad saw someone he knew and was talking to him through the car window when i walked up i recognised the guys voice so now i know what he looks like
physically i've mostly healed, but emotionally i'm fucked up basically
the lack of control in the entire situation is whats made my ed spring back into action, i need some control and i can control it..in theory

okay, can't deal with the flashbaccks and still blog

please keep safe, love you all

Ehh

Parents are back at some point tomorrow. Sucks ass. But kinda glad cause I need the car -.-' shitting it that Dad'sa be back though.
Cass's been out more n more lately, she's still so scared about being out. Flashback-y, can't differentiate between reality and the flashback. Thinks she's gotta protect the body from the man she can see. Quinn's doing really well with her, she told her
Andyy is safe to talk to and if she wants to she can talk to her but she don't gotta and she has..sorta. She fell asleep holding onto Quinn's hand last night heh.

Eh, gunna baff, finish this later.

My Flashback. *GRAPHIC SA warning*

I've been having this flashback a lot and it's scaring me, so I'm going to try and lower the scare value by typing it up. It might not make sense and be all over the place but it will be triggery. It may also not be in chronological order..sorry!

GRAPHIC SA. Please be safe.




It's a memory from when I was little, 7, and it involves my neighbour who I will call B and father who will probably become Daddy.

I can feel him holding my wrists directly above my head, tight, they're crossed so he only has to use one hand. I'm naked and I have my eyes screwed shut. He has a tshirt on, green with a logo over the left breast, a normal polo shirt. His jeans and belt are on the floor with my clothes. It's almost a still image except I can feel his hand on the inside of my leg. He's looking down at me, watching me. When I open my eyes he looks straight at me and says "It's only gunna get better".

It doesn't hurt as much as it used to, not unless he's really rough. During one particularly loud attack in which I screamed for him to stop. Told him it hurt. Told him no. Daddy must've heard and came upstairs. When D finished and looked up he saw Daddy in the doorway and panicked. He pulled out really fast and made me bleed, made me cry. Daddy told me to shut up, told D he was proud of him. Told him he was a real man, that he was proud he didn't let anything stand in the way of what he wanted. Told him how to hurt me best and how to force me to make it better for him. Told D it was our secret that no-one had to know.

D had tied my hands up, tied them to my bed and tied my ankles to the other end so he didn't have to fight me to open my legs. Daddy gave him a vibrator told him to use it at the same time as he hurt me. Hurt twice as a bad as he did. He laughed when D made me bleed, made me cry. Daddy showed him how to force me to open my mouth without leaving a mark on my face. D learnt how to make me give him oral. Choked cause he put too much in, couldn't breathe, could move my head cause of where he was, couldn't push him away cause hands were tied. Passed out. Daddy showed him how to do it properly, little bit at a time. In out. Push all the way in and hold it til I started to black out then pull out again. D found it more fun than sex.

D tied me face down. Daddy stood watching with no trousers on. D pushed vibrator into me and forced himself in. Felt my insides ripping. Bleeding. Screamed cause it hurt and Daddy told him to be rough. Make it hurt. Pain made it better. Could sit down properly for long time.

D and I laying in bed. Had my back to him. Slid his hand down my back from my neck to my bum, pushed hand down my trousers. Pulled away told him no. D said Mummy wouldn't love me no more if I didn't let him. Pulled me back into bed. Put his hands down my trousers and touched me. Pushed fingers inside me. Hurt. Pulled back. Cried.

D lay on bed. Daddy forced me onto him. Tied up. Daddy climbed on both of us. Daddy was bigger than B. Made me scream louder than before. Daddy put his hand of my mouth to stop me. Cried.

Wanted Mummy to know but wanted her to still love me. Wanted Daddy to love me like had before. Wanted someone to know. Wanted someone to care enough to find out why I wouldn't let anyone touch me. Why I got scared if I had to sit between two boys. Just wanted someone to care.

eh

Keep regressing..don't remember anything when I come back. Just remember a vivid terrifying flashback nothing else. Not sure what's happening..think it might be Boo.
Might try and write up the flashback/nightmare tomorrow if I remember.

Finished school completely. Leavers was awesome. Hadda beer though wasn't so much by choice was Echo and I'd paid for it and didn't wanna waste it so I drunk the last quater while dancing. An my friend offered me half a warm beer so I hadda slurp and gave it back to her and it got passed around various people til Miles danced away with it.

Listening to "Stand my ground" by Within temptation.

Saw puppies today, they've grown, got some pictures but they move so much its hard to get a good picture.

Gunna go sleep.

Sorry Little Fish and Batman. Sorry am no good.

Indeedy.

I'm tired. I'm bored and I don't know whatta do w/ myself. I don't have school no more so I'm running about like a headless chicken!
Might take Ellie out for a walk tomorrow, stretch her legs and strengthen her tendons.
Feeling kinda urgy and I'm being forced to watch The Reaping, which has a beautiful river of blood. Brilliant..
S'Father's Day today...we did nothing.
Don't wanna go t'bed cause of nightmares. Might try and write out the flashback I tried to write up before and failed at.

Gotta new alter, she's called Sabrae, she'sa Pixie an she's technically the leader of the Pixie's but she's surrendered that title to Jax and she's teaching them more about their beliefs and the history of it.

Uh..thas bout it.
Haven't posted for a while because I can't be arsed and such.

Blergh.

Stupid nightmares are making sleep not happen.
Lnks into a flashback I attempted to write about and chickened out on.
Spuddy's still unwell.
I want to SI.
A lot.
Watching POTC 3..sorta.
Feeling really uneasy.
Butterflies in my belly. And I'm not 100% on why.
Tired.
No longer in school. No more rules. No more..nothing.
Scary.
Dinner and I don't want it.

Lul.

I need to post...so here I am.
I'm sat in the common room "working" *cough* listening to Bad Romance by Glee folk.
I had my Chem exam this morning, I think it went okay. I kept coughing and distracting people and two moderators asked if I was okay I was like...yeah, ill. Speaking's weird.
Uhmm...I have to watch Le Mepris tonight else I'mma fail my exam lulz.
Uh...if I remember I'll get Dougie to put up some basic phrases in Pixie but I'll prolly forget and be watching a frnehc film...so I can't spell that word. I typed it FOUR times and it's still wrong. I will call them Frog People and be done with it. *rewrites sentence*
I'll prolly forget and be watching a Frog People Film.
Better.
So..yeah. Frog People singing in my ear. Skillz.

Freaked out the other day..don't remember much, remember being scared, stressed and twitchy which is something I do when I'm stressed or overly high on sugar. Depends...
I wanna write up a flashback I've been having but y'know school isn't the greatest place to do that!
I've lost Dave.
I saw Rory and Jeff leave but I have lost Dave and he will sneak up on me and scare me and end up getting hurt when I spasm out.

It's too hot for life today. If I could quit coughing that'd be AWESOME.
Jellie bellie is okay Mum said, she hadda deal with her today cause y'know...I'm at school. She's still lame, still has heat in the leg, still swollen, still stabled and bandaged. I'm debating turning her out tomorrow night and bringing her in after my Drama exam, so she's had the oppurtunity to stretch her legs and such like.
I also wanna post the lyrics to Wonder by Megan McCauley which I think I spelt wrong. Someone remind me?

So yeaaaah, I'mma get this prep work done for Drama now so I can do nothing tomorrow :D Skillz.
Oo, I payed for my leavers hoodie. It'sa be ORANGE :D :D Excited much? I think so.
Pulled a muscle in my belly from coughing and it hurts.
Yeah, I'm actually gunna go now..
Laters mashed po-tatas.

Alrighty.

Just sayin' hi.
After posting my nightmare, I went to bed and had the same nightmare with the same blanks, I guess cause it was fresh in my mind when I fell asleep. All yesterday was flashbacks of the nightmare, today was better, less flashbacks. Only when someone said something specific or I did, did it trigger a flashback. Like I was hugging a mug of tea and it made me think of the dream.
Bee asked me today if it could be a memory of a real event, but I don't know I don't remember anything like that happening, the guy looked familiar..but I don't know why, he could just be someone I've seen on the street walking by but who knows.
I've got school tomorrow and I'm stressing. I feel like inside I'm all..mixed up. Like I'm nervous and anxious but angry and stressed and annoyed and upset but I'm not 100% certain why but it's upsetting me.
I'm hormonal so I'm flashing from REAL mad to crying in seconds. It's depressing.
I really want someone to just hold me, but I'm scared of touch so it isn't going to happen unless Dave attacks me tomorrow in which case I'll be all D: but inside be okay with it a little bit.
And I'm trying not to cry but I don't know what's wrong. I don't want to sleep cause I'm scared.
I'm just scared.
I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.
I'm scared that I'm going to fail my exams because I haven't revised cause I'm scared if I revise and fail it'll make me feel worse, so by not preparing I'm just setting myself up to fail anyway.
I'm scared of moving out of home.
I'm scared of what my future will hold.
I'm scared of having children cause I know what this world can be like and I'd hate for my child to go through something like this, but I figure not everyone sucks as bad as my parents so it's just a case of trusting humanity and trusting everything will be okay...I don't want to be a parent because of the above.
I'm scared I won't get anywhere in life cause I'm too scared to try.
I'm scared of admitting I'm scared.
I'm scared someone will use it against me though in my head I know that is stupid because my friends aren't like that but it's something I can't control.
I'm scared my friends will hurt me even though I know it isn't likely..I've just been let down so many times.
I'm just a scared little girl.

Hmm..

I'm feeling stupidly dissociate-y...and SI urgey.
Stupid flashbacks and nightmares. I should be writing out my story, but I can't deal with that when I'm revising.
I wrote a song last night..well this morning at like 3.30am..I'll post it when I go to bed. It's crap, but eh.
I'm sleeping even less than usual and it sucks.
I'm now rambling so I'm going to shut up.
Laters.