Christmassssss

Today was Christmas. It was...Christmass-y.

Was a good day for the most part minus the fact I've spent the majority of the day in pain. First my spine this morning and then my knee this evening.

Inside it was the usual insane affair. Izz struggled a fair amount but made it through with only one major.."mishap".

And good cheesus I'm tiredddd like..I have my eyes closed and I'm practically asleep now lol

fuhognwuognv

I did my TC.

Iz was out beforee and spoke to a fair few people. Sorry to those she spoke to if she was rude or something. Love y'all.

I'm so apple pie.

Something or other.

I am not feeling in control. And I'm not talking DID control, cause I'm about ready to give up with that. Full moon Saturday and Skye is being an ass. Sioux is just restless and Syl is largely unbothered. He'll be more...feral on Saturday, they all will. The cats, Sook and Teeq will be out w/ Lixxie, Hawk, Bayley and Foxa (she keeps an eye on everyone) because shifters/cats/wolves are uncontrollable in the full moon.

So the not in control thing, it's..scary. Haah. There, I said it. I'm scared. Mmhmm. Fuck I don't like saying that.

Moving on. I have work in the morning, guess what? I don't want to go. What's freakin' new?

Plus side, I might not have to be there next week cause I have a new job..sort of. It's a week cover looking after 3 horses. £30 a day = £240 for 8 days. Win.

I feel icky. I don't want to be here. And I really don't feel safe from myself.

Twilight...

Today Dave and I went to go see Twilight: Breaking Dawn part 1. It was..interesting.

After the fight to stay grounded yesterday w/ Izzy I had similar trouble with Skye.
There is a bit in the film where Jacob is howling and she got interested. And wanted to come see; suddenlythere are clips of 5/6 wolves howling and she wanted out. I managed to stop her, depite her snarling across my face.

Then later there was a bit where the wolves are snarling at each other and she is getting pissy and wanting to come out making my head twitch.

And finally, there is a massive fight with angry snarling/growling etc etc. And I find myself snarling albeit silently. And I had to bite down on my lip to stop her making a noise.

I blame the full moon. It wasn't smart to go this close to it. But she's still restless her and Sioux are pacing in the meadow and they keep snarling. I need Foxa to race or wrestle with them or something..anything to stop them fighting for control. I can't handle another night of fighting to be me.

DID.

It's kinda an asshole.

I made the stupid mistake to try and watch "Lie to me" not normally a bad thing but I wanted to see the one about DID again. Bad move. Bad move.

There is one bit where Dr Foster is hypnotising this girl, Jessi, but it's not really Jessi because she's Sophie. Sophie is the core. Jessi's..promiscuous. Trisha is studious. And then there is RJ. RJ is the protector.
Okay, so Jessi is being hypnotised, the slow breathing..the relaxing. And for some obscure reason instead of being relaxing it makes Izzy fight me.
It's like running through treacle, except you can't run. Because it's treacle. And it's flowing towards a massive drop which is rapidly becoming closer and I can't get away from it. There are spasms of her being in control.. where my neck especially twists and I tend to grind my teeth.
It's like when you stand up really fast and your head swims and you have to hold onto something, but there's nothing to hold onto because I'm busy fighting the treacle waterfall. Then when she has control it's like I've walked into a wall, it all goes black and gets starry.
Put it simply, it's surrendering control with little choice over whether you want to or not.
I normally switch when she wants out but I managed to stay grounded (Thank you Laney) until the "bad" bit. Lightman, the main guy in Lie to me, wants to talk to RJ..the protector. So he puts Sophie in a "dangerous" position to make him come out. But the position is..well he comes onto her and tells her to take her clothes off etc. He's basically being creepy. And yeah well, I lost the grounding fight. Albeit briefly, she had to deal w/ Shay who was screaming at Dorry.

What sucks is being out of control. Like I keep fighting for control and I really don't have it. And then Izzy came take it so easily. I know she wanted to make sure I was safe and depsite me telling her I was she didn't believe me. What freaks me out with fighting her is I have a habit of saying "Izzy, please" as I try to stay grounded. I hate it and it freaks me out. I hate that I don't have control and I don't blame Izzy I know she's not doing anything on purpose. I know she's struggling, I'm pretty sure there is an anni around Christmas that I've pushed to the back of my mind and would rather pretend doesn't exist. But overall, it's crap. I *wish* I had control of my head. And I really wish I didn't fuckin' dissociate all the goddam time.

I have this icky floaty feeling still like I'm about 3inches above the chair but at the same time this feeling of being tethered? Like someone will tug the rope and I'll go spinning into nothingness.

I hate DID. And I hate why I have it.

Full Moon.

It's tonight and it's REALLY hard to concentrate w/ Skye so close. It's even harder to write -.-

CET: 1300
CBO: 825
CO: 475
notgoodenough.

All Hallows.

I'mma do a proper post tomorrow, I feel kinda..bleh.

Uhm, Halloween was cool, the littles really enjoyed themselves.

Nano starts..today :P Can't wait :P

CET: 810
CBO: 882
CO: 72

H..

alloween is tomorrah. Aaaand inside is crazy! The littles are all asleep and the minders and co are putting the final touches to the decor it's AWESOME

CET: 1254
CBO: 750
CO: 504

Teen Wolf

It's about a boy that becomes a werewolf and Skye thinks it's awesome...mostly cause the wolf looks stupid when he changes lol. But she finds it cool that they show how painful the transition can be sometimes.

Hmm. fun.

True Blood

"My ex is a werewolf"

Er..okay?

Speaking of 'wolves, Skye has been really active lately. She spent a lot of time out on the full moon (Friday), she perched on the fencing for 2 hours without moving staring at the moon. For once, she was fully clothed, minus socks. I've been co-con with her a lot lately which is fine, except she doesn't like people near me/touching me.

She's doing a lot better...she's less aggressive. I say that, I mean she is less aggressive without reason. It's nice though..I like having her close, she helps me feel safe.

Hmm

I'm so tired.
And so confused..
I'm co-con with Foxa, Skye and Iz, it hurts.my.brain.

and there is no distractions to keep us sane.

Zomg.

I nearly have 300 posts...that's a bit freaky! I've never had 300 anything!

Aaaand, I've been working with Fox to make a Pixie dictionary :] It's..hard work but fun lol

Brisingr.

It means Fire!

I finished the book and the Elven language makes me think of Pixie, I'm tempted to write an elemental story w/ Pixie in it...tempting..

Chewsday.

Harly decided that the spelling of Tuesday was incorrect and she's demanding it be spelt Chewsday. So, poor Quinn has had to change the spelling of it on the board because she wouldn't quit crying, bless her lol

Nano idea...

Elementals...Holy War..hmmmm

Arya.

She reminds me of Fox.

1.2.3.

3.

And yes, Tazzy posted for me last night, so ty to him.

Love ya Tazzy D.

tazzy

cammy arsked me to rite on mummas blog cuz shes hidin insid cuz munday is a bad day and she membad bad stuf and it maked her skared

Inner Worlds.

I've been meaning to write this for a long time and having found a post by Izzy on a thread on AMJ (A Mind's Journey) it reminded me! It's weird because our world has changed since Izzy wrote about it. Not drastically, but rooms have been added and various other "props" have been introduced. So, this will probably be long, but I hope it gives you guys a better view of what it's like inside my mind.

Okay, so we'll start in "The Main Room" this is where pretty much everything happens. I see the room as if I've just walked through the door and it's all in front of me. It's a big square room and in one corner is a huge oak tree with a long wide branch which extends to outside. The room is dotted with big squishy sofas and beanbags and currently, multiple blanket forts filled to the brim with cushions. Most of the littles have their favourite spots to be in and they've written their names on their favourite bean bags in various colours. In the corner directly opposite the tree is a large table pushed into the corner and that's where Cassie spends a lot of her time, but she has a beanbag which is outside it which she's been using more often. There is a long hallway off of the main room which leads to "The Meeting Room".

The Meeting Room has a long dark table with chairs surrounding it and this is where the Minders and I talk about various issues. The Pixie's have meetings in here sometimes if the weather (I'll explain that later) is shitty inside.

Off the hallway are other doros which lead to bedrooms of the others. The Minders tend to share with their littles but some of the Minders have two storey rooms, so the littles can have a bit of independence and the Minders some privacy. I can't see inside these rooms and neither can the other alters for the most part. The only time I can see in them is if an alter allows me too. These rooms aren't used too much, most of the time the littles just sleep in The Main Room unless their is an incident then they get shifted to their own rooms.

Outside, the tree leads to a play area built by Bayley which has a long slide down to the ground or alternative a sloping ramp down. The play area is pretty huge and Bayley adds to it a lot. It leads down to a large meadow with short grass which is somewhere the littles play a lot cause the Minders can just sit and watch.

Beyond the short grass is long grass, hip height to me and I'm almost 5ft 7. There are a fair few hidey holes in he long grass, it's been weaved together like a bird nest to make a small place to hide. The Wolves, Cats and Pixies love the long grass cause there are two lines of trees that run down the centre of it and they play games of tag trying to catch the Pixies...so far they've been unsuccessful!

Just beyond the two meadows we have caves which are mostly all dark and this is where the Cats and Wolves go to get away from the others, they use different entrances, both of which are hidden, and they never use the same caves.

Okay, so the weather. The weather internally is usually warm but on occasion if the alter fronting (aka in control) is angry/upset/excited etc the weather *can* change. It doesn't happen often, usually it's only with Cass, Boo and on occasion Sabrae.

This took so much longer to write than it should've cause I'm co-con with Ali and Lik and it makes life harder when you're co-con lol. I hope this has given a better insight into inside!

200 posts.

I actually feel really really proud of myself for having posted 200 times! It's a freakin' miracle.
And to top it off, I have actually posted every day (sometimes more than once!) since New Years. Some have been serious. Others not so much. But I have posted.

Today I've had 3 missed calls from an unknown number and for some reason it's stuck in my mind and it's annoying.

Pony Boy was much better today <3 I do love him.
Moose is looking SO well! She's thin and I'm going to start walking her out every day soon ^.^
In the Easter holidays what I want to do (if I'm not riding May) is ride Ellie in the morning with the MacDougall crewage and walk Zoh afterwards. But, if I am riding May what I'll do is walk Zoh in the morning and Ellie in the afternoon/evening :] Get all three of us fit at the same time lol

A negative, Oasys has integrated. I will remove her and Kat from their respective pages.