Rock Climbing

It was gooooood. I managed to get pretty high before I had a mild panic attack and had to be bought back down like...NOW

And I have to go to bed, I have a new job starting in the morning. It's a caring thing for a lady I used to work for, it's basically taking her special socks off so she can shower then putting them back on again, that's pretty much it! But while I'm there I might be able to do some hoovering and whatnot. But yes, it's money (Y)

And then I'm riding. I was meant to be having a lesson, but it doesn't look like that's gunna happen which is really annoying. Cause I don't want to hack out, I want to have a lesson. Nina was all, feel free to let me know when and I'll work out when Alison isn't gunna be there and then we can give you a lesson free of charge. Win? Yeah. No. Cause I can have an hours lesson for £15 about a 20 minute drive away. Only problem is that we aren't sure that mum's car can pull the trailer w/ Ellie in it...that sounds mean, but her car is shit!

And I have to actualy go to bed now. And I swear to God if I get this fuckin' nightmare one more time I will scream.

Nightmares..

They're getting to the point where they're really disrupting sleep again. Bah, I'll try and write in slightly more depth after the jump.

AKA go to FishSticks.

So, right.

*le sigh*

I need to post this nightmare and hope that it's gunna help because I'm fed up of it. It's part of my relationship w/ T and I hate this part of our story together because it was the lowest part and I feel that people are gunna be asking why the fuck I was ever with him.



Please be aware this is going to be pretty graphic. Please take care when reading *DV/R trigger*



So this is from when I stayed w/ T when I was having trouble at home...if you read the post before when I gave a brief description you'll have a vague idea about what I'm talking about, if not, well I'm not explaining it again. Okay, so when I moved in with him and his mum, I was 14 and he was 16. It was all okay for the first two days because his Mum was about until she got a call from her father saying that her mother was ill and she had to go and help take care of her. She trusted T to look after me and for some stupid reason, I did too. As soon as his mum left he took control and started to become possessive like he always did, he told me he didn't want me going to school because he knew I was looking at other men and that I was sleeping with someone behind his back when I wouldn't have sex with him. He was screaming at me lashing out at my body and pinning me to the wall behind me. I remember he forced me to my knees and held me there while he unzipped his jeans. He ordered me to give him a blowjob and when I wouldn't he slapped me and pinched my nose so I had to open my mouth to breathe. As soon as I did he forced himself into my mouth and thrusted hard, he hit the back of my throat which made me gag and try to inhale but I couldn't because he was blocking my windpipe. He held himself in me and wouldn't let me breathe until I finally passed out and came round a short while later to find I was tied down to his bed. He knew how much being restricted freaked me out and he was smiling at me as I lay there. I was naked and so was he, he grinned widely at me and told me he had a surprise for me. 5 of his friends, that I knew walked in the room. JT, K, L, O, A, C. They took their clothes off and approached me on the bed. One by one they raped me and forced me to give them oral until I passed out, exactly the same way T had, except I couldn't fight back because I was tied down. When they had all finished they left me tied to the bed and went out. When T came back I begged him to untie me and he ignored me, I told him I had to use the bathroom and he used his handcuffs to lock my hands together while he walked me to the bathroom. I tried to get away but he pushed me down the stairs before dragging me back up and tieing me back up. The next day his friends came back and raped me all over again, when they'd finished instead of leaving as they had before they used some bamboo canes his mother used in the garden to whip me until I screamed. They did the same for 2 more days until T had commitments which meant he had to untie me and give me the run of the house again. He carved a T into my lower stomach and told me I was now his and noone else could have me. I wasn't allowed to leave the house for the remaining 5 days, when his mum came back she asked how we'd enjoyed having some alone time and joked that she hoped we hadn't got up to anything mischevious. His mum was gardening a couple of days after she got back and asked T why there was blood on her bamboo sticks, but he told her it was probably paint, and she agreed. I stayed with T for another week or so until I gather the courage to leave him which I said to him in front of his mum cause I was hoping he'd control himself but instead he backhanded me and split my lip and his mother sat staring at him blankly. When he raised his hand to me a second time, his mum shouted at him to stop it.

Might post the rest later, right now I need to stop.

Indeedy.

I'm tired. I'm bored and I don't know whatta do w/ myself. I don't have school no more so I'm running about like a headless chicken!
Might take Ellie out for a walk tomorrow, stretch her legs and strengthen her tendons.
Feeling kinda urgy and I'm being forced to watch The Reaping, which has a beautiful river of blood. Brilliant..
S'Father's Day today...we did nothing.
Don't wanna go t'bed cause of nightmares. Might try and write out the flashback I tried to write up before and failed at.

Gotta new alter, she's called Sabrae, she'sa Pixie an she's technically the leader of the Pixie's but she's surrendered that title to Jax and she's teaching them more about their beliefs and the history of it.

Uh..thas bout it.
Haven't posted for a while because I can't be arsed and such.

Blergh.

Stupid nightmares are making sleep not happen.
Lnks into a flashback I attempted to write about and chickened out on.
Spuddy's still unwell.
I want to SI.
A lot.
Watching POTC 3..sorta.
Feeling really uneasy.
Butterflies in my belly. And I'm not 100% on why.
Tired.
No longer in school. No more rules. No more..nothing.
Scary.
Dinner and I don't want it.

Alrighty.

Just sayin' hi.
After posting my nightmare, I went to bed and had the same nightmare with the same blanks, I guess cause it was fresh in my mind when I fell asleep. All yesterday was flashbacks of the nightmare, today was better, less flashbacks. Only when someone said something specific or I did, did it trigger a flashback. Like I was hugging a mug of tea and it made me think of the dream.
Bee asked me today if it could be a memory of a real event, but I don't know I don't remember anything like that happening, the guy looked familiar..but I don't know why, he could just be someone I've seen on the street walking by but who knows.
I've got school tomorrow and I'm stressing. I feel like inside I'm all..mixed up. Like I'm nervous and anxious but angry and stressed and annoyed and upset but I'm not 100% certain why but it's upsetting me.
I'm hormonal so I'm flashing from REAL mad to crying in seconds. It's depressing.
I really want someone to just hold me, but I'm scared of touch so it isn't going to happen unless Dave attacks me tomorrow in which case I'll be all D: but inside be okay with it a little bit.
And I'm trying not to cry but I don't know what's wrong. I don't want to sleep cause I'm scared.
I'm just scared.
I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.
I'm scared that I'm going to fail my exams because I haven't revised cause I'm scared if I revise and fail it'll make me feel worse, so by not preparing I'm just setting myself up to fail anyway.
I'm scared of moving out of home.
I'm scared of what my future will hold.
I'm scared of having children cause I know what this world can be like and I'd hate for my child to go through something like this, but I figure not everyone sucks as bad as my parents so it's just a case of trusting humanity and trusting everything will be okay...I don't want to be a parent because of the above.
I'm scared I won't get anywhere in life cause I'm too scared to try.
I'm scared of admitting I'm scared.
I'm scared someone will use it against me though in my head I know that is stupid because my friends aren't like that but it's something I can't control.
I'm scared my friends will hurt me even though I know it isn't likely..I've just been let down so many times.
I'm just a scared little girl.

My nightmare.

I'm going to try and post my nightmares, but I'm not certain I'm going to be able to, at least not all of it. It will be graphic and highly triggering. My memory of the dream is partial because half was me and half was Boo.

**** TRIGGER SA/R* ****

I was laying in a bed a dirty hotel or possibly a flat, there was an ensuite bathroom. I was laying next to someone, but with my back to them. Rolling over I see the back of a man's head; he has short dark hair and his bare shoulders are muscular. When he feels me looking at him he rolls over to face me. He leans over to kiss me good morning.

I'm talking to a half cast woman in her early 20's and we're both holding mugs of tea/coffee. The man from earlier (I'll call him T) comes in through a side door and takes my hand leading me upstairs. He swings me onto the bed and climbs on after me. Everything is happening in slow motion and it isn't scaring me. He gentally catches my wrists and kisses where the veins are visible before raising them above my head. I'm naked.
This part is blank
I wake up and T has his arms round me, we're both naked. I can feel his hands on my bare stomach.
This part is blank
The next thing I can remember is him on top of me holding me down and holding my wrists tightly above my head, cross over each other. He is arched above me but not inside me. I remember pulling my arms down and turning my head away. I remember catching hold of him..and pushing him up and him continuing to thrust.
This part is blank
I'm laying fully clothed on top of the blankets on the bed and I have Monkey in my arms. T is stood at the end of the bed shouting. I don't remember what he is shouting about. I remember speaking quietly back to him and saying that through a lifetime of being hurt by the people I love the last thing I needed was for him to continue the cycle. I told him I was happy with him having my "real" virginity but not if he was going to force me into it every time and not accept no. He told me he didn't have to accept no because we were married.
The woman I was talking to previously bursts into the room and I sprint to the bathroom and lock the door behind me before sliding down it and crying.
Blank.
I have a black eye and I'm stood with the woman and a police officer who is trying to control a screaming neighbour who is screaming about how T and I are making too much noise at night and it means her baby can't sleep. Then the police officer is talking to me in the living room. She's asking about how I got my black eye and what T and I were shoutng about previously. I explain he was angry about something but I wasn't shouting.
Blank.
T is walking away from me, he turns to look at me and mouths "I'm always with you" before leaving.

If you actually read all of that..congrats and I'm sorry if it triggered/upset you. I want Boo to fill in what happened in the blank spots but I'm not sure if she will..at least not for a while.
I think I've successfully had a panic attack along with numerous flashbacks but hopefully they will lessen.
I'm actually really proud of myself for sticking with it and writing it out, but I'm emotionally drained and physically shaking at the minute. I'm kinda dreading bed incase I relive it all again. I know it's only a nightmare but it scared me a hell of a lot!
I'm going to bed now I think, seen as it has taken me the better part of an hour to do this.
G'night all.

G'day mate.

Missed school today cause I pulled all the muscles in my arms, back, shoulders and chest, so I've had all my work sent to me. I have 2 timed essays next week. One on Critical Perspectives and the other on Fight Club. It won't be hard but I don't want to do it.
I got lost in the countryside today ¬.¬
I had a really bad dream last night and it terrified me. I think it was half me and half Boo cause she slept out last night. She's been really scared lately because of something that happened and she's regressed a lot and fast. She won't allow anyone to touch her, be near her and she's like..stuck in a world of flashbacks and night terrors. We don't know how to get through to her, it looks like we're going to start at the beginning. We'd got really far with her and she was slowly beginning to talk to people, more than one word. Her writing was improving and she seemed happier. People always fuck things up.

Side note: I'm almost 2 years free of cutting. May 2nd.

Hmm..

I'm feeling stupidly dissociate-y...and SI urgey.
Stupid flashbacks and nightmares. I should be writing out my story, but I can't deal with that when I'm revising.
I wrote a song last night..well this morning at like 3.30am..I'll post it when I go to bed. It's crap, but eh.
I'm sleeping even less than usual and it sucks.
I'm now rambling so I'm going to shut up.
Laters.