DID.

It's kinda an asshole.

I made the stupid mistake to try and watch "Lie to me" not normally a bad thing but I wanted to see the one about DID again. Bad move. Bad move.

There is one bit where Dr Foster is hypnotising this girl, Jessi, but it's not really Jessi because she's Sophie. Sophie is the core. Jessi's..promiscuous. Trisha is studious. And then there is RJ. RJ is the protector.
Okay, so Jessi is being hypnotised, the slow breathing..the relaxing. And for some obscure reason instead of being relaxing it makes Izzy fight me.
It's like running through treacle, except you can't run. Because it's treacle. And it's flowing towards a massive drop which is rapidly becoming closer and I can't get away from it. There are spasms of her being in control.. where my neck especially twists and I tend to grind my teeth.
It's like when you stand up really fast and your head swims and you have to hold onto something, but there's nothing to hold onto because I'm busy fighting the treacle waterfall. Then when she has control it's like I've walked into a wall, it all goes black and gets starry.
Put it simply, it's surrendering control with little choice over whether you want to or not.
I normally switch when she wants out but I managed to stay grounded (Thank you Laney) until the "bad" bit. Lightman, the main guy in Lie to me, wants to talk to RJ..the protector. So he puts Sophie in a "dangerous" position to make him come out. But the position is..well he comes onto her and tells her to take her clothes off etc. He's basically being creepy. And yeah well, I lost the grounding fight. Albeit briefly, she had to deal w/ Shay who was screaming at Dorry.

What sucks is being out of control. Like I keep fighting for control and I really don't have it. And then Izzy came take it so easily. I know she wanted to make sure I was safe and depsite me telling her I was she didn't believe me. What freaks me out with fighting her is I have a habit of saying "Izzy, please" as I try to stay grounded. I hate it and it freaks me out. I hate that I don't have control and I don't blame Izzy I know she's not doing anything on purpose. I know she's struggling, I'm pretty sure there is an anni around Christmas that I've pushed to the back of my mind and would rather pretend doesn't exist. But overall, it's crap. I *wish* I had control of my head. And I really wish I didn't fuckin' dissociate all the goddam time.

I have this icky floaty feeling still like I'm about 3inches above the chair but at the same time this feeling of being tethered? Like someone will tug the rope and I'll go spinning into nothingness.

I hate DID. And I hate why I have it.