yawn

i am so tiiiiiiiiired but i dont have to wake up in the morning, yay.

we got some pics of the "boys" aka Zoh/Jaff in their christmas gifts today.

and i remembered i had a name plate for smell for christmas and the only thing she said in response was "it smells funny". yeah cheers.

i like to think i put some thought into gifts, like i know smell didn't feel jaff's stable was really his own, hence the name plate.
twig isn't doing so well so i got mum a keyring plaited out of his tail hair.
dad loves the two ronnies so i got him two dvd's about them.

i sometimes wonder if my family knows me at all, y'know? it's crap sometimes.

today i bucket cleaned Zoh's feet. that might not seem like anything major...but zoh's scared of buckets..and water lol. he was really good, barely moved at all and ignored the fact i was cleaning most of the way up his socks.

Okaaaaay!

I keep forgetting about posting here! It's bad lol.

I'm totally engrossed in my Nano, which is my excuse >.>

Zoh had his wolf teeth out, I have one :D
Uhmmmm that's about it?
Oh! I'm going to see the Spanish Riding School in London tomorrow and and and when Dave gets paid we're going to Covent Garden together ^.^ Yay hehe.

Yeah, so Nano is going well, I have to write a lot more tonight to make sure I'm not behind for tomorrow.

Mm, I'm excited about CG more than the Spanish Riding School lol xD
I wanna go to build a bear and build a bear w/ Dave :D And we want bubble tea too lol
I'll try and remember to post more and proper posts too.

On the First of Dec I WILL post properly every day no more "Moths. Fucking Things." posts as funny as they are *cough*Laney*cough*

Cough

I have one of those super annoying tickly coughs which suck epic amounts.

And my parentals are away so Smell and I are chillin' in the living room, she's on the Xbox playing splintercell with some dude and I'm listening to the Glee music I just downloaded for the second time and it's so very nice. We're both in our jammies with duvets and I have the added bonus of a Jakey on my feets <3

The horses had their jabs today and the vet made me cry cause I'm hormonal and he was being a dick.

Hmm...I got paid today! That was exciting, I apparently got paid from Cleanforce today too. Funsies.

Birf.

It's Smell's day of Birf today. She's 15 o.o

And it's also apparently the day of the rapture. Well unless I'm mistaken it hasn't happened. Or maybe I'm just a zombie and I haven't yet found brains to nom upon? I think I prefer option 2. I'd like to be a Zombie!

Raaaaaargggggh.

Oh yeah. I'm fuckin' terrifing.

lolz

i'm tireded but that's nothing new
i'm watching strictest parents and i can totally relate to the girl heh

she said she feels like whatever she does isnt good enough.

mmhmm, i can relate to that. i never feel like anything i do is good enough.
wow, lisa snowdon cannot dive for shit.

Pish

My wrist hurts ¬.¬

And and and I'm watching Transporter 2 which is..novel.

I'm insanely sleepy but the film is far awesome.

I'm riding tomorrow at 10..turning Moose out first and bring her back in afterwardssss, then I wanna watch a film with Momma ^.^

Frustrated.

Mother's trying to be a mother..lol. It sucks. But I'm not going into it any more.

I really really want to purge. Bleh.

I need to shower but I'm not sure I can trust myself not to SI or purge. Fail.

Anywho, time to shower!

Laters taters x

A pre-V-day post

feeling really nervous about posting about the v-day memory

i also have some new memories which i don't much want, from different times..one when i was 5 the other when i was 9..neither i knew about but i think they're linked to tish and the twins, hawk n lixxie

and wtf is my mother doing. scrap that i want the mental image gone from my head

So like yes.

Today I feel: Shitty.
Why I feel like I do: Urgy.
What I'm going to do about it: Not a lot?

I feel like a drug addict. Like y'know how you read about them in the books when they're suffering withdrawal symptoms? Sick, shaky, sweaty and grouchy as fuck. Yeah, hi that's me right now.

Uhm...it's fun times living in my house right now. Mum's pissed at Smell who's pissed at Mum. Dad's pissed at Smell who's pissed back. Dad's pissed at Mum. Mum's pissed at me. Dad's pissed at me. And I'm like WHAT THE FUCK?!

I hate stress.

I need to buy new trainers.

Ugh. I need to lose weight, I *hate* how I look right now. And I want to do it properly but it's hard when Mum screams at me for not eating because you know sausage egg and chips is not my idea of a decent meal! But she's moaning she needs to lose weight too so maybe we'll eat better -.-'
I think I need to do this properly and safely without taking it too far or being stupid like I have done before because I need to feel more comfortable in my own body and like, summer is coming and I want to be in decent shape. PLUS I need to be lighter if I want to ride Jaff. And I need to be as light as I can be when I back Z.

But yes, whatever. I'll deal with it. And yeah. Meh.

This post is not going too well...somewhat negative I feel.

Erm, adding to the negativeness (it's a word.) Rachel asked me how I was today and even though I knew what she meant I brushed it off and it pissed me off afterwards. She looked at me like *raises eyebrow* but I just grinned and continued being merry even though I feel like shit. Then afterwards it was like, WHY did I do that? Admittedly saying I felt shit wouldn't have helped at all cause Smell was lurking but w/e and I kept dx'ing but again w/e.

Eh, I'mma scoot. Laters.

New Year.

So, for those of you that speak to me regularly you know my interwebs has been up the spout. Dad played with it and he broke it basically, and it won't be fixed until the 4th at the earliest. Hopefully I'mma get a Dongle on the 3rd though so it'll be irrelevant.

Okay, so Happy New Year to all that read the bloggy.

I wanna post my New Year Reso's...

1. I want to tell my Mother that I used to SI, preferably just before my 3 year anniversary.
2. I want to stop swearing so much!
3. Be healthier and I want to lose weight healthily.
4. I want to learn to trust people more.
5. I've had enough of Dad. (those of you that understand that will know what I mean. It ends now I'm fed up of it.)
6. I want to create a blog for the new horse I'm getting so I can post about our progress. (I'm SO excited to go see him!!!!)
7. I wanna be WAY more organised, I'm going to get a calendar and make a note of the hours I work and how much I get paid, when I pay rent/insurance/feed for Z and whatnot.
8. I want to take up a couple of new hobbies, Archery, Dog agility and I wanna further my flatwork with the horses.

It seems like a lot..but for a year, I think it's pretty good. This year, I'm going to try and post everyday (though I said that before and didn't lol) but I would like to and I want to make it slightly more structured at the beginning, like saying how I feel and WHY, and most importantly, what I'm going to do to change it if I feel negatively. This is gunna be a new start for me, I'm fed up of making the same reso's each year and failing to stick to them. I WANT to achieve this year and I will.

So, down to the nitty gritty.
I've been really struggling with my lack of internet, I didn't realise quite how much I relied on virtual worlds and people online to help me out when I feel bad. I want to change that, because I should be able to cope by myself at least for a little while.
I've been urgy and really triggered lately but that's okay cause I'm not gunna act on it, I wanna throw a couple of my tools away cause I'm past SI now. That part of my life is over and done with.
Been having some awful dreams mixed in with some crazily weird ones, the nightmares have been affecting me when I'm awake quite a bit, but I'll get over that, I want to type a couple of them out when I have a better connection I feel weird doing it on Dad's computer.

Overall though, I feel surprisingly upbeat, I think not having the net has made me re-evaluate somethings and now I know things need to change and I'm actually okay with that.

I think this year is going to be good, I have two jobs right now and another one coming soon and I'm looking forwards to what the year will bring.

I'm most excited by the fact that I'm buying myself my own horse (which is amazing and yet terrifying!!) It will be MY name on his passport and I will have bought him myself...I'm going to see him a week tomorrow and I'm so amazingly scared yet excited it's amazing. He's a one year old, so a baby basically but there is SO much I can do with him on the ground, I want to do some clicker with him and when he turns two I want to walk out with him like I do with the dogs, so he can explore and get to know the world with me without being afraid of it. I want to teach him about responding to me with pressure points and vocal commands. I want to do everything with him that I'm not allowed to do with Jaffa and I'm so excited to have the option to do it. This is going to be a new start for him and a new start for me, I think that is what I'm most excited about and it's going to give me a long-term plan of things to do.
To be frank, it is something to stay alive for.

Now, this year has been awful for the most part, except the part where I met amazing new friends, became a CMIT and most importantly, I found love.
That sounds SO corny, but it's true.
I am IN love. It scares the bejebus out of me, but I like it. There is so much for us to do and I know it is going to take a long time for us to be really okay with each other physically (most of that is my fault) but we're both okay with that.

I know I don't say it a lot Batman, but I love you so so much. I don't know what I ever did without you, you mean the world to me and when I wake up in the morning to see I have a text from you it automatically makes me start the day with a smile regardless of the night I've had. I struggle to do the whole being emotional about things but already that is changing. In 3 days we will have been together a month and I'm so excited for that to have happened. And now because I'm making myself all teary I'm going to go and eat my pudding while watching the end of primevil.

I love you Batman.
I love you Lit'lun and Genesis.

I love all of you who read my blog in one way or another and I hope this year goes as well for you as I hope it does for me. Stay safe and be strong.

Miste, Fish, U or whatever name you know me by. xx <3

Ehh

Parents are back at some point tomorrow. Sucks ass. But kinda glad cause I need the car -.-' shitting it that Dad'sa be back though.
Cass's been out more n more lately, she's still so scared about being out. Flashback-y, can't differentiate between reality and the flashback. Thinks she's gotta protect the body from the man she can see. Quinn's doing really well with her, she told her
Andyy is safe to talk to and if she wants to she can talk to her but she don't gotta and she has..sorta. She fell asleep holding onto Quinn's hand last night heh.

Eh, gunna baff, finish this later.

So...

So, I'm urgy. Like, totally. And the urge to just grab something sharp right now is immense. I just...want to bleed. Want the release. I don't even know why. I just...do. I want the familiarity I guess.
I just..ugh. I don't know. I just want to do it.
Being told "you can't" isn't helping me. Because it makes me want to do it more because I hate being told what to do because I always do as I'm told. I have to.

Ow. My mother just burnt me with a fucking spoon.
I want to give up.

Mm.

Yeah.
Apparently exploding in front of mum cause I'm fed up of her and dad having a go at me whenever I pick up my guitar is inappropriate and shit. I just want some support, I'm fed up of being constantly to shut up and I'm making a fucking racket etc. Why can't they be proud that I've learnt something musical myself and I'm doing fine learning and that I want to show them what I can do? I don't get it. I did it by myself, why won't they be proud or at least pretend to be proud of me?
Makes me wanna give up guitar.
All I want is for mum to be proud of me and something I did.
Hah. Now I'm crying, fucking great.

Miss you, love you. Fish x

It's depressing. I have an exam Friday and I don't want to go. I can't sit still for 2 hours straight. I'm not ready. I have Chem homework that I have to hand in tomorrow which I haven't done cause I was watching a film. I need to do something..but I forgot what it was. Revise probably.
Whatever. I'll fail anyway. Same for all my exams. Yay for having my failings printed on a piece of paper.

Yello

Parentals return today.
I've been busy with school stuff and tired from cyling to and from places and such. Uhm..I have an essay I need to do about identifying with a character from my chosen films and I want to do Andrea in 28 Days who SI's, buttttt I don't want my teacher to know I SI. Or rather that I did.

I always promised myself when I got to two years free I would tell Mum about the SI, but I'm scared and I kinda don't want to but I said I would so I want to..

Uhm..been mega anti touch lately, even Spud's touching has freaked me out, guess I'm stressing bout them coming home.

Totally just went all OCD on Smell.

Gunna go supervise Smell's cooking seen as I'm not allowed to cook..thas bout it.
The Fish loves you Lit'lun.
The Roadrunner loves Batmanicus!

Home without parents.

Score. I love being without them here. But it brings a whole new level to my paranoia and it kinda scares me. I want to relax because I can, I can do what I want but I still stick to the rules regardless of whether he is here or not, it's still his house and he'll know if I don't. I'm scared of relaxing because I worry that it means I'm opening up and it leaves me completely open to attack and it means I can be hurt.
I'm also in serious pain, my wrist is throbbing and the part which rests on the end of the laptop is sore to the touch, red and painful. I actually have a bruised arse. I'm using Dad's bike and it has no suspension, because of that and the bumpy bridle paths I use to get places I'm in agony D:
I don't imagine riding Bond helped but he was well behaved and it was fun, we did a lot of trot work, 20m circles at each and and the middle, 10m circles in each corner, half 10m circles back to the track, free walk, three-loop serpentines and some brilliant circles in canter. But it didn't help my wrist.
We did lots of work in Chem today and I understood the majority of it and it made me happy, I finally had my coursework done too.
Spud's on edge, he doesn't like not having everyone in the house, he can't settle and he's limping slightly so I'm gunna do some physio on him before bed.
I'm meant to be familiar with my lines for Drama tomorrow..but I'm not, I need to be by Wednesday at the latest. I don't think dancing round the room merrily to Glee was really all that useful, but it sure was fun!

So, my last post, it made me cry and basically fall apart because I was worried about what I'd said and such. Scared me I guess. I think I like live my life in a perpetual state of fear and it pisses me off. And ow. I was subconciously rubbing the sore part of my wrist and it hurts.

Love you Leila. Very much so. We will be terribly British one day. Fo'sho. Promises from the FishBowl.

So my family suck arse.

They're driving me fucking insane. Smell and I were mucking about and she tried repeatedly to kick me in the face and that is just fine and peachy but when i try and defend myself by pushing her legs away I'm taking it too far. It's my fault. Cause if I get kicked in the face that's all peachy and fine. Fucking family. I fucking hate them all. All of them. I want out. Now.

Yo yo yo.

Yo homies!
I got my exam timetable today and my exams last a month O.o I'm already stressing!
Oo!
I get to go and see the changing of the keys or...something similar..when the Tower of London gets locked lolz. Dad's taking me ^.^
Heh, we couldn't catch my sisters horse today and I have too much energy but I feel increasingly awful!
I have a headache and I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I also wish my sister'd shut up and go to bed like she's been told for the last hour or so caaaause she is driving me mad and I'm melting into a puddle.
Anyhow this is all ^.^ Y'know where I am if you need me and such!
See you later, mashed po-tata!