Kinda ow.

Today has been painful and it's crap.

And Zoh's tired from growing. And I ordered an Ev hoody.

And I feel physically sick. And disgusting and icky and generally gross.

CET: 943
CBO: 664
CO: 279

Music.

I have Sungha Jung playing. I love that kid.

And I

would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life.

Mewsik

I learnt a basic version of greensleeves on piano today! I transfered the song from guitar, cause I'm clever ;)

I'm proud of me!

Weird

Y'know when you drink something hot then inhale and it makes the air super cold? I just did that.

I'm drinking cuppa soup, it's tomato flavour and it's really nice heh

I learn Jessie J's "Nobodys perfect" today and I like it, it's nice.

oops..

i didn't post last night cause i felt bloody awful. i was in bed pretty early and i slept through the night w/o moving
although i feel better today i still have a headache which isn't being helped by blasting snow patrol at it. but hey it's an awesome song and it makes me want to siiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

Mew-sik

I love Adele's Rolling in the deep. I love Tiffany Alvord ft Jake Coco's version even more. It makes me happy and it's playing now and frying my brain cause my head hurts so much lol
I fell asleep listening to it earlier which hurtttttt

Zoh's so restless from the grass and he's driving me slightly insane but I know it isn't his fault lol. I'm tempted to ride Ellie tomorrow mostly cause I mis riding a non wonky balanced horse. Cause May's really been hurting my lower body!

She has her scans tomorrow as well, I hope they go okay, she's kinda grown on me heh.

Other than that I'm insanely tired.

Somewhere.

Somewhere - Within Temptation. Love.

Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign
Instead there is only silence can't you hear my screams?
Never stop hoping, need to know where you are
But one thing is for sure you're always in my heart

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened
The truth will free my soul

Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home
I want to embrace you and never let you go
Almost hope you're in heaven so no one can hurt your soul
Living in agony 'cause I just do not know where you are

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened
The truth will free my soul

Wherever you are, I won't stop searching
Whatever it takes, I need to know

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened
The truth will free my soul

Hallelujah.

I'm playing Hallelujah by Laney (Hai Laney) and it's made inside totally calm. Then a couple of lines in the minders started singing it to their littles and it's beautiful. Everyone is listening and being still, even the wolves shifted into human form.

It's making me teary! It's so lovely.

I love you guuuuuys <3

And ty Laney!!

Februaryy

February 1st.
I have posted everyday :D

Okay, so I talked to Rach about some SI stuff and the fact I still have a blade in my phone :P

Erm, I found a cool song, "F**kin' perfect" by p!nk, but if you are not feeling safe please GAWD do not watch the video, it was like a wrecking ball in the face in terms of triggering.

Z's coming on the 9th, he'll be here before lunch time :)

Uhm, I have work tonight, I'm gunna take my guitar and some music and tabs and play some new songs. Er..I don't really wanna go to work cause I don't feel like I can be trusted to not do stupid stuff, heh.

And that's pretty much it, I'm only posting now cause I'll forget otherwise and then it'll ruin my fun times! I might take my novel w/ me, see if I can do some writing, though the chances are pretty much non existant.

So, laters, love ya x

Mondayy.

Today I feel: Tired
Why I feel like I do: 3 hours sleep.
What I'm going to do about it: Sleep better tonight!

I have a night shift tomorrow and ugh, I don't wanna do it, but I need to cause I need the money. Then I'll only need £360. It's not looking like I'm gunna get all the money by the time I need to but Mum said she'd lend me it should I find myself short and I'll just have to pay her back.

I'm so damn tired, keep having nightmares and struggling to get to sleep heh. Been listening to music to try and help but it doesn't help.

Been listening to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls a lot and Firework by Katy Perry, I like both songs heh.

Mum's watching Gordon Ramsey and he scares the fuck outta me cause he's always shouting and I don't like it ><

Missed Rachel today...kinda on purpose. I feel...different around her atm, but I'm hoping that'll change, but I feel like she can see this part of me I don't want her to. When she asks me how I am I don't feel like I can just brush it off with my usual answer of fine cause she looks at me all suspicious heh. I feel a lot of the time like she's looking at me...like watching me but I don't think she is..yet I feel it? Like when I picked up the knife to cut open the cardboard bale I *knew* she was watching me and it made me really uncomfortable I mean like..really? Apart from the fact the knife can't cut shit, I'm not gunna use something gross and dirty that I don't "know". Eh, it's annoying. But do I expect anything different? One of the things she said to me was that I didn't look like someone that would SI...I look "normal". Well, I'm finally normal in something, shame it's not true -.- I feel like I need to reassure her that I'm not going to fuck about with every sharp object I come into contact with!

My laptop keeps overheating cause the fucking cooler broke -.- This is like the 5th one I've had! They can't cope with this computer, I swear. This one actually kept it vaguely cool, but now I can feel the heat in the palm of my hands where they are resting on it.

So, now I'm scooting, laters. x

Alrighty folks.

Today I feel: Upbeat
Why I feel like I do: Not sure..
What I'm going to do about it: Continue to play this song.

Current song: Love the way you lie - Eminem ft. Rihanna

Lyrics:

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down
Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie


This song is beautiful. I'm in love with it right now, I think it's because the video makes me think a lot about my past. Which, admittedly isn't always a good thing, but in this instance it is. I've been thinking about T a lot lately mostly because I posted so recently and it's all been fresh in my mind, but for once, that's okay. I'm remembering the good a long with the bad. And we did have some really good times.

Like this one time, I'd gone to his straight from home after Dad had hurt me and he curled up w/ me on his bed and just held me and let me get my head together and calm down without worrying about getting into trouble for crying or anything. We started off with him curled around me, my back to his stomach, but when I started to cry he pulled me round so my head was in his chest.

Times like that, I knew why I was with him and I knew that even when he was being abusive and hurting me all I could see was that compassion under the surface. As he became more abusive the compassionate side to him came out less and less, but I knew if I came to him from Dad he would be there to support me, he never once hurt me after Dad.



So, work was interesting last night 11pm-8am got £100 for it. Was pretty boring, mostly watched shit on TV lol. I'm working Tuesday 1-6 too which'll be 40. Currently I have £640 but I need minimum of 1,350 to pay for him, vetting AND transport, but hopefully Mum'll pay transport and I'll pay her back.

Erm...Slept from 9-3.30 which was decent and I didn't move the entire time lol. I'm beginning to feel dopey and sluggish so hopefully I'll go to bed at a decent time as I have work in the morning.

Seeing Zohan in like 1 day and as it is nearly tomorrow, it's almost tomorrow I'm seeing him and I'm so excited. I really can't wait, I'm going to be looking at a couple of geldings:
Disko,
HillBilly,
Ladeezman,
Mr. President
Zohan.

Z is who I'm looking at mostly, but I do want to look closely and Disko and see about the lump on his tendon.

Anyhow, I rode in the rain the other day lol it was nice to get out even though the weather sucked ass.

Oh, in the Rihanna video, she looks a helluva lot like Alix from my system, and for those of you that watch Glee, in S2 the kid, Sam looks like Zee apart from the fact Zee has longer, paler hair, but otherwise they're almost identical! Oh, and Zee's gay, but y'all already knew that! And if you didn't, what rock were you under?!?!

Laters guys, have a good weekend, tc x

<3

Title.

i feel so low right now
i just need someone to fucking talk to
theres noone
feel like i'm going to fucking cry
dont even know whats wrong
i wanna si
wanna hurt
wanna bleed
but i cant
ill be in trouble with people
more scared of being in trouble with friends than with dad
hate letting them down
hate making them feel disappointed in me
fucking crying
fucking fucking fucking hell
i dont think i can do this yknow

hadda gday yesterday an now..now its just shit

A cold wind blows
I am shivering
My body aches cause my heart is breaking
Wwhy is life making me hollow
Why is happiness casting me in the shadows
In the shadows
Hold on
Don't turn and walk away
Save me
And iI cry these words and nobody came
I'm all alone
Running scared
Losing my way in the dark
I try to get up
Stand on a plinth
But I came crashing down hard
This is my side of the story
Only my side of the story
Nobody cares
Nobody'ss there
Noone will hear
My side of the story.

Wonder.

I remembered I need to post lyrics. So here goes.
They aren't triggery, but there is a vague mention of SI. So, please be aware.

Wonder by Megan McCauley
Midnight workings, weather down the storyline
I try to find the truth between all the lies
When bleeding is feeling and feeling ain't real
Will I see you when I open my eyes?
Will I see you when I open my eyes?

When breathing's a burden we all have to bear
And trust is one thing we're taught never to share
Somehow you just seem to shine
When loving means breaking and saying goodbye

(Chorus)
And I can't help but wonder what it is you do
You help heal the pain, and the thoughts of the truth
You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world
And somehow, when I'm with you, I never get burned

Caught in a trap of what we're taught to believe
When night overcomes day, life's so hard to preceve
And the clock keeps on ticking through night-shattered skies
Where the stars are all broken, and so are all the ties
But the one thing remaining is you
When I'm broken and bleeding, you pull me right through

And I can't help but wonder what it is you do
When you help heal the pain, and the thoughts of the truth
You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world
And somehow, when I'm with you there's nothing I'd rather do
Than be right there
To escape my own life and all my fear
And I cant feel
Am I really real?

Come and wipe all my tears
Come and wipe all my tears

And I can't help but wonder what it is you do
You help heal the pain, and the thoughts of the truth
You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world
And somehow, when I'm with you...
I can't help but wonder what it is you do
You help heal the pain, and the thoughts of the truth
You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world
And somehow, when I'm with you, I never get burned



Pretty song.

Monster.

JessJess sent me a song a little while ago called Monster by Meg and Dia and I want to share the lyrics and I'll attach a video of the song as well.
Please be aware it is VERY triggering for SA.

Monster by Meg and Dia

His little whispers.
Love Me. Love Me.
That's all I ask for.
Love Me. Love Me.
He battered his tiny fists to feel something.
Wondered what it's like to touch and feel something.

Monster.
How should I feel?
Creatures lie here.
Looking through the window...

That night he caged her.
Bruised and broke her.
He struggled closer.
Then he stole her.
Violate wrists and then her ankles.
Silent Pain.
Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams.

Monster.
How should I feel?
Creatures lie here.
Looking through the windows.
I will.
Hear their voices.
I'm a glass child.
I am Hannah's regrets.

Monster.
How should I feel?
Turn the sheets down.
Murder ears with pillow lace.
There's bath tubs.
Full of glow flies.
Bathe in kerosene.
Their words tattoed in his veins, yeah.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlQGgDE9NNk
Zunga tor!