Home without parents.

Score. I love being without them here. But it brings a whole new level to my paranoia and it kinda scares me. I want to relax because I can, I can do what I want but I still stick to the rules regardless of whether he is here or not, it's still his house and he'll know if I don't. I'm scared of relaxing because I worry that it means I'm opening up and it leaves me completely open to attack and it means I can be hurt.
I'm also in serious pain, my wrist is throbbing and the part which rests on the end of the laptop is sore to the touch, red and painful. I actually have a bruised arse. I'm using Dad's bike and it has no suspension, because of that and the bumpy bridle paths I use to get places I'm in agony D:
I don't imagine riding Bond helped but he was well behaved and it was fun, we did a lot of trot work, 20m circles at each and and the middle, 10m circles in each corner, half 10m circles back to the track, free walk, three-loop serpentines and some brilliant circles in canter. But it didn't help my wrist.
We did lots of work in Chem today and I understood the majority of it and it made me happy, I finally had my coursework done too.
Spud's on edge, he doesn't like not having everyone in the house, he can't settle and he's limping slightly so I'm gunna do some physio on him before bed.
I'm meant to be familiar with my lines for Drama tomorrow..but I'm not, I need to be by Wednesday at the latest. I don't think dancing round the room merrily to Glee was really all that useful, but it sure was fun!

So, my last post, it made me cry and basically fall apart because I was worried about what I'd said and such. Scared me I guess. I think I like live my life in a perpetual state of fear and it pisses me off. And ow. I was subconciously rubbing the sore part of my wrist and it hurts.

Love you Leila. Very much so. We will be terribly British one day. Fo'sho. Promises from the FishBowl.

Alrighty.

Just sayin' hi.
After posting my nightmare, I went to bed and had the same nightmare with the same blanks, I guess cause it was fresh in my mind when I fell asleep. All yesterday was flashbacks of the nightmare, today was better, less flashbacks. Only when someone said something specific or I did, did it trigger a flashback. Like I was hugging a mug of tea and it made me think of the dream.
Bee asked me today if it could be a memory of a real event, but I don't know I don't remember anything like that happening, the guy looked familiar..but I don't know why, he could just be someone I've seen on the street walking by but who knows.
I've got school tomorrow and I'm stressing. I feel like inside I'm all..mixed up. Like I'm nervous and anxious but angry and stressed and annoyed and upset but I'm not 100% certain why but it's upsetting me.
I'm hormonal so I'm flashing from REAL mad to crying in seconds. It's depressing.
I really want someone to just hold me, but I'm scared of touch so it isn't going to happen unless Dave attacks me tomorrow in which case I'll be all D: but inside be okay with it a little bit.
And I'm trying not to cry but I don't know what's wrong. I don't want to sleep cause I'm scared.
I'm just scared.
I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.
I'm scared that I'm going to fail my exams because I haven't revised cause I'm scared if I revise and fail it'll make me feel worse, so by not preparing I'm just setting myself up to fail anyway.
I'm scared of moving out of home.
I'm scared of what my future will hold.
I'm scared of having children cause I know what this world can be like and I'd hate for my child to go through something like this, but I figure not everyone sucks as bad as my parents so it's just a case of trusting humanity and trusting everything will be okay...I don't want to be a parent because of the above.
I'm scared I won't get anywhere in life cause I'm too scared to try.
I'm scared of admitting I'm scared.
I'm scared someone will use it against me though in my head I know that is stupid because my friends aren't like that but it's something I can't control.
I'm scared my friends will hurt me even though I know it isn't likely..I've just been let down so many times.
I'm just a scared little girl.

My nightmare.

I'm going to try and post my nightmares, but I'm not certain I'm going to be able to, at least not all of it. It will be graphic and highly triggering. My memory of the dream is partial because half was me and half was Boo.

**** TRIGGER SA/R* ****

I was laying in a bed a dirty hotel or possibly a flat, there was an ensuite bathroom. I was laying next to someone, but with my back to them. Rolling over I see the back of a man's head; he has short dark hair and his bare shoulders are muscular. When he feels me looking at him he rolls over to face me. He leans over to kiss me good morning.

I'm talking to a half cast woman in her early 20's and we're both holding mugs of tea/coffee. The man from earlier (I'll call him T) comes in through a side door and takes my hand leading me upstairs. He swings me onto the bed and climbs on after me. Everything is happening in slow motion and it isn't scaring me. He gentally catches my wrists and kisses where the veins are visible before raising them above my head. I'm naked.
This part is blank
I wake up and T has his arms round me, we're both naked. I can feel his hands on my bare stomach.
This part is blank
The next thing I can remember is him on top of me holding me down and holding my wrists tightly above my head, cross over each other. He is arched above me but not inside me. I remember pulling my arms down and turning my head away. I remember catching hold of him..and pushing him up and him continuing to thrust.
This part is blank
I'm laying fully clothed on top of the blankets on the bed and I have Monkey in my arms. T is stood at the end of the bed shouting. I don't remember what he is shouting about. I remember speaking quietly back to him and saying that through a lifetime of being hurt by the people I love the last thing I needed was for him to continue the cycle. I told him I was happy with him having my "real" virginity but not if he was going to force me into it every time and not accept no. He told me he didn't have to accept no because we were married.
The woman I was talking to previously bursts into the room and I sprint to the bathroom and lock the door behind me before sliding down it and crying.
Blank.
I have a black eye and I'm stood with the woman and a police officer who is trying to control a screaming neighbour who is screaming about how T and I are making too much noise at night and it means her baby can't sleep. Then the police officer is talking to me in the living room. She's asking about how I got my black eye and what T and I were shoutng about previously. I explain he was angry about something but I wasn't shouting.
Blank.
T is walking away from me, he turns to look at me and mouths "I'm always with you" before leaving.

If you actually read all of that..congrats and I'm sorry if it triggered/upset you. I want Boo to fill in what happened in the blank spots but I'm not sure if she will..at least not for a while.
I think I've successfully had a panic attack along with numerous flashbacks but hopefully they will lessen.
I'm actually really proud of myself for sticking with it and writing it out, but I'm emotionally drained and physically shaking at the minute. I'm kinda dreading bed incase I relive it all again. I know it's only a nightmare but it scared me a hell of a lot!
I'm going to bed now I think, seen as it has taken me the better part of an hour to do this.
G'night all.

G'day mate.

Missed school today cause I pulled all the muscles in my arms, back, shoulders and chest, so I've had all my work sent to me. I have 2 timed essays next week. One on Critical Perspectives and the other on Fight Club. It won't be hard but I don't want to do it.
I got lost in the countryside today ¬.¬
I had a really bad dream last night and it terrified me. I think it was half me and half Boo cause she slept out last night. She's been really scared lately because of something that happened and she's regressed a lot and fast. She won't allow anyone to touch her, be near her and she's like..stuck in a world of flashbacks and night terrors. We don't know how to get through to her, it looks like we're going to start at the beginning. We'd got really far with her and she was slowly beginning to talk to people, more than one word. Her writing was improving and she seemed happier. People always fuck things up.

Side note: I'm almost 2 years free of cutting. May 2nd.

Rawrr.

I'm tired as hell, srsly. I rode today, twice and I'm in pain lol. I'm spending like tomorrow doing Chemistry because it has to be handed in first period monday. I have double chem..triple film, depreeeeeessiiiiiiing.
Plus side?
I'm riding JellyBean tomorrow again and it's gunna be awesome I luff her.
Also, I had a weird dream that the horse I rode today was in my bathroom and I was like....I need to pee. It was odd.
Alsoooooo I luff ye Batmanicus.
Ta ta.

Ehehehehehe ^.^

The little lamb I've been looking after is called Jam. His twin brother is called Jim :D
Jam fell asleep on my lap and then he dribbled on me, but he has high levels of TOTAL AWESOME. And I'mma attach a photo to this post because it's put me in an awesome mood because he was so cute. He doesn't normally drink enough milk, cause he is bottle fed, but he drank all of his milk and the end of his brothers.
*sigh* I love him. He's too cute for his own good and he had his head on my shoulder and he was chewing my hair ^.^
Yeaaaaah...it's sideways, so tilt yo noggin!!

Yo.

Haven't posted in for ageesss. I don't really have an excuse, I'm just lazy!
Over half term I managed to get a second job of riding my boss's horse, he's cool, I get paid. This makes it more awesome.
The parentals are meant to be going away soon but with the whole big ash volcano boom-y thing it isn't looking likely *Scowls*
I've been up. I've been down.
I've been MEGA restless.

We also had clothing issues with Kasey..she figured removing my top on webcam was okay cause she was hot, we kinda need to get her to understand that clothes are VERY important!

Skye and Sook are hellbent on killing each other, Jax ended up getting involved last time and Syl and Teeq had to deal with them.

Uhhhhhm..I'm going to write an essay now cause y'know it has to be handed in tomorrow and I've spent 3 weeks procrastinating cause I'm awesome so I'll do it now lol.

Laters taters!

Hmm..

I'm feeling stupidly dissociate-y...and SI urgey.
Stupid flashbacks and nightmares. I should be writing out my story, but I can't deal with that when I'm revising.
I wrote a song last night..well this morning at like 3.30am..I'll post it when I go to bed. It's crap, but eh.
I'm sleeping even less than usual and it sucks.
I'm now rambling so I'm going to shut up.
Laters.

Eh.

Eh..I'm tired. I don't even know what to say. But I figured that posting is the right thing to do. I'm stressed. Tired. Hungry. I'm trying to eat better. I say trying, but it's not going so well.
We have tadpoles.
Yeah..thats about it.

Batmans reply

Because it's easier to distance yourself
Because you're asking the wrong people
I care, I would help if you let me.
It's never your fault
You're never to blame, except for being awesome.
Because you're scared of getting more hurt.
..
You're looking in the wrong places again.
as above.
Cos they're control freaks?
Cos you're scared of what will happen if you say no, it's easier to go with it.
you've been through alot and it's hard to stand up for yourself, or say a solid no because you're used to having that decision taken away from you.
Cos you don't need it, and you can survive without it.
*pokes your head*
You don't want to take away time that you could be helping them? You're not used to people caring.

Charlie, in all honesty, is a bitch and can shut up, because she lies, stretches the truth and says what she knows will hurt you most and get to you. It's not true what she says, even if you think it is.

Life is hard. You'll never find things easy, life wouldn't be life without a few problems and being a total sdlkfjaowiejralskdjfo to get through
I already said about charlie.
True friends don't come easily, it's rare to find a true friend, just stick w/ me and be happy =D
Don't take people not helping as not caring, we all luffoo... well some people don't care but they're not important.
You can get through this all Miste. It's hard and there's always problems, but no matter what i'm here for you to help you through whatever life throws at you. Ekeeto.

Hey

I finally remembered that I needed to post what I wrote. My words will be normal, Charlie's will be italic and Camryn's bold.

Why am I only useful to people when my guard is up?
Why, when I finally ask for help am I laughed and and ridiculed?
Why does no-one care enough to at least try and help?
Why must it be my fault?
Why am I always to blame?
Why don't I stand up for myself?
Why am I always too scared?
Why me?
Why don't you care?
Why is findin people to actually help me so hard?
Why do people tell me what I have to do?
Why do I always agree?
Why the hell, don't I have a backbone?
Why do I want to SI so bad?
Why can't my head shut up for five minutes?
Why is saying "I need help" so hard?

Because they always laugh and always will
Because you are nothing to them and never will be
Because you are pathetic
Because you are a waste of space and everyone knows it
Because you are worthless.

Because life is hard
Because Charlie doesn't make it easy
Because true friends are hard to find
Because some people are scared that they'll say something wrong and make it worse
Because you are stronger than this.

Keep On Keepin' On.
Keep On Keepin' On.

I'm planning on burning the original, but once I'm safe :P

Pan's Lab

Watching Pan's Lab and it's put me in a decent mood considering I felt like shite warmed up earlier. It's like 1am, so technically Easter sooo Happy Easter. I'm also stupidly tired. Like WOAH tired
I watched The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus today and Up and I love Kevin.
Idk what else to say atm so yeaaaaah.

Hi

I wrote some stuff out last night and managed to dissociate twice through doing it. Once was Charlie and she continues writing to tell me that, basically, I'm a waste of space. Then Cam came out and disagreed with her and then I came back. I'm debating posting it but I'm not sure. Maybe later.

'Ello

I haven't posted in like 2 or 3 days or something, so hi :D
I've not been doing much, I just don't have the energy to at the minute. I've been spending less and less time talking to people as I feel more and more antisocial. But I'm working on it. I guess I'm struggling with integrations at the minute but what can I do.
Seriously struggling with thoughts of SI and whatnot. Self destruction seems to be all I can think about but I'm working on that too. There is a lot I'm working on as well as starting to begin my revision and chill about the exams that I have and just do what I can.
I've been playing Dogz 5 a lot cause I'm really cool. But it's totally been keeping me busy which is great. And thats all I can be bothered with right now.
Laters taters