mmm am urgy
and i'm struggling w/ body mems right now so i cant do much more than say ow and go..so like yes bye
Monday, 31 January 2011
Sunday, 30 January 2011
Stuff
Okay, so I need to post vauguely properly I guess.
To put it simply I'm struggling.
My ED has kickstarted itself back into my life. I'm really really struggling to get myself to eat anything, when I do it makes me feel physically sick and grotesquely fat. I want to make myself throw up after even thinking about eating.
I'm craving the release of SI, I keep touching the faint scars on my wrists and wanting to make them deeper. Simply, I want to see blood. And I want to hurt myself.
I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts, I've got to the point where I'm half thinking about a plan but I know I can't do it, it's not fair to the people I love.
I'm having an anti-people kick. I think hormones added into that really aren't helping much either. I want to be alone, totally alone. But...I don't wanna be alone either.
I still have my letter for Rachel in my pocket and when I was with her today I had it in my hand but I couldn't bring myself to give her it. When I'm w/ her it worries me...cause I say things I don't want to but they just slip out and then I can't take them back. I really really wanna tell her that I'm struggling, but I'm too scared to..I'm worried she'll think I'm insane or she'll tell mum or something. I know she won't, she's not like that...but..still.
I might write her another letter tonight...saying that I'm struggling w/ some stuff and mm..yeah, who am I kidding, it's not gunna happen. Sure I'll write it but she won't ever get it.
And w/ that, I'm done. Laters guys and thank you so so much to those special few who've been helping me out. I love you and you don't know how much it means to me <3 x
To put it simply I'm struggling.
My ED has kickstarted itself back into my life. I'm really really struggling to get myself to eat anything, when I do it makes me feel physically sick and grotesquely fat. I want to make myself throw up after even thinking about eating.
I'm craving the release of SI, I keep touching the faint scars on my wrists and wanting to make them deeper. Simply, I want to see blood. And I want to hurt myself.
I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts, I've got to the point where I'm half thinking about a plan but I know I can't do it, it's not fair to the people I love.
I'm having an anti-people kick. I think hormones added into that really aren't helping much either. I want to be alone, totally alone. But...I don't wanna be alone either.
I still have my letter for Rachel in my pocket and when I was with her today I had it in my hand but I couldn't bring myself to give her it. When I'm w/ her it worries me...cause I say things I don't want to but they just slip out and then I can't take them back. I really really wanna tell her that I'm struggling, but I'm too scared to..I'm worried she'll think I'm insane or she'll tell mum or something. I know she won't, she's not like that...but..still.
I might write her another letter tonight...saying that I'm struggling w/ some stuff and mm..yeah, who am I kidding, it's not gunna happen. Sure I'll write it but she won't ever get it.
And w/ that, I'm done. Laters guys and thank you so so much to those special few who've been helping me out. I love you and you don't know how much it means to me <3 x
Saturday, 29 January 2011
so yes
so..feeling suicidal as well as urgy..yay
been forbidden to do either
i need to post why at some point..but i don't want to
made a deal w/ Laney (hai laney) i won't do stupid stuff if she doesn't
had work today
uhm, might copy out the letter i wrote to rachel but didn't give her later on
need to text chris tomorrow
oh, did i say i have another job? well..i do
i'm rereading the host by stephenie meyer..twilight lady
meh, thas it
been forbidden to do either
i need to post why at some point..but i don't want to
made a deal w/ Laney (hai laney) i won't do stupid stuff if she doesn't
had work today
uhm, might copy out the letter i wrote to rachel but didn't give her later on
need to text chris tomorrow
oh, did i say i have another job? well..i do
i'm rereading the host by stephenie meyer..twilight lady
meh, thas it
Friday, 28 January 2011
hgfjks
i cbf w/ the polite i want to si. now.
i actually feel so low i'm suicidal, hoo-fucking-ray.
eh, that's it..pretty much.
i actually feel so low i'm suicidal, hoo-fucking-ray.
eh, that's it..pretty much.
Thursday, 27 January 2011
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Meh.
Today I feel: Urgy as fuck
Why I feel like I do: Not a clue
What I'm going to do about it: Not SI?
So I feel like I've just been slapped in the face by an SI urge. It's insane. And it's making me feel really..unsafe.
I'mma do some training w/ Jakey soon as a distraction technique but not a lot is working, I'm really REALLY urgy ><
Erm, I'm doing a night shift on Tuesday heh then I'll only need £50.
Things I need to get Z:
1 x black shires tub water bucket
1 x tyre dinner bowl
1 x black hanging breakfast bowl
1 x black leadrope
1 x black rope headcollar (GOT)
1 x black haynet (not urgent)
I'm really excited to get him I'm focussing on him and not the shittiness in my life right now!
I might colour my hand in red soon or something idk I need to do something ><
Laters x
Why I feel like I do: Not a clue
What I'm going to do about it: Not SI?
So I feel like I've just been slapped in the face by an SI urge. It's insane. And it's making me feel really..unsafe.
I'mma do some training w/ Jakey soon as a distraction technique but not a lot is working, I'm really REALLY urgy ><
Erm, I'm doing a night shift on Tuesday heh then I'll only need £50.
Things I need to get Z:
1 x black shires tub water bucket
1 x tyre dinner bowl
1 x black hanging breakfast bowl
1 x black leadrope
1 x black rope headcollar (GOT)
1 x black haynet (not urgent)
I'm really excited to get him I'm focussing on him and not the shittiness in my life right now!
I might colour my hand in red soon or something idk I need to do something ><
Laters x
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Rahh
Today I feel: Slightly sick
Why I feel like I do: lurking migraine
What I'm going to do about it: Take some painkillers
Z has been insured as of today for theft, straying, accidents etc so yay! He might be here even earlier than we originally thought! I'm excited, I want him noooooooow!!! Eheheehehheheeh he's amazing!
I know I'm not going to be able to do a lot with him for the first week or two because he needs to trust me and get to know me and now I'm not going to hurt him before I can start to anything major with him. His birthday is March 5th (I think) so he'll be 2 pretty soon!
Errrrrm, I feel kinda sick and I have 2 and a half hour shift at Pat's before Dawn takes over. Dawn is LOUUUUUUD no jokes, I'm there for like 5 minutes with her and it's like zomg, shh! I need to remember to do the curtains, put the lights on in the spare room, bathroom, hallway and put the heater on in the spare room so it's warm for Dawn cause jeeeeeesus that room gets cold!
So yes, today has been pretty uneventful, I finished Batman's v-day gift heh won't say what it is cause I know he reads this (Hai Batman!!)
That's it...
Love y'all!!
Why I feel like I do: lurking migraine
What I'm going to do about it: Take some painkillers
Z has been insured as of today for theft, straying, accidents etc so yay! He might be here even earlier than we originally thought! I'm excited, I want him noooooooow!!! Eheheehehheheeh he's amazing!
I know I'm not going to be able to do a lot with him for the first week or two because he needs to trust me and get to know me and now I'm not going to hurt him before I can start to anything major with him. His birthday is March 5th (I think) so he'll be 2 pretty soon!
Errrrrm, I feel kinda sick and I have 2 and a half hour shift at Pat's before Dawn takes over. Dawn is LOUUUUUUD no jokes, I'm there for like 5 minutes with her and it's like zomg, shh! I need to remember to do the curtains, put the lights on in the spare room, bathroom, hallway and put the heater on in the spare room so it's warm for Dawn cause jeeeeeesus that room gets cold!
So yes, today has been pretty uneventful, I finished Batman's v-day gift heh won't say what it is cause I know he reads this (Hai Batman!!)
That's it...
Love y'all!!
Monday, 24 January 2011
Ew :(
Had a pretty rough night at Pat's, it started out with a basic headache which quickly turned into a migraine which made me feel physically sick. My head got progressively worse until I finally threw up my dinner :(
It was horrible, I hate being sick at the best of times but when I'm at a place I don't really know and Pat is shrieking in the other room cause she needs me to move the dog it's extra not great. :(
Some slightly better news, Z might be here a day or two early! I need to get the post code from the farm so he can calculate how much it'll cost to get him down. I'm excited that he's gunna be here soon! I don't think you can even understand how exciting this is...it's like a new start almost cause he's totally up to me to deal with and he's MINE and ehehehehehehehe yay.
Okay, I need tea, painkillers and an ice pack or..something. Laters guys
I love you Batman. <3
It was horrible, I hate being sick at the best of times but when I'm at a place I don't really know and Pat is shrieking in the other room cause she needs me to move the dog it's extra not great. :(
Some slightly better news, Z might be here a day or two early! I need to get the post code from the farm so he can calculate how much it'll cost to get him down. I'm excited that he's gunna be here soon! I don't think you can even understand how exciting this is...it's like a new start almost cause he's totally up to me to deal with and he's MINE and ehehehehehehehe yay.
Okay, I need tea, painkillers and an ice pack or..something. Laters guys
I love you Batman. <3
Sunday, 23 January 2011
Worketh.
Today I feel: Tired and urgy
Why I feel like I do: Not sure
What I'm going to do about it: Er..nothing?
I have to leave for the yard followed by a night shift in like...10 minutes and I do not want to go to work.
I'm struggling not to pack my SI to take w/ me and i mean reaaaaally struggling.
We're watching Aladdin which makes me laugh xD
Okay, so like this is THE most pointless post heh.
Oo, we bought Z's headcollar last night ^.^ It should be here soonish I hope, it's lovely! It's an Arab headcollar, made of rope :D It has knots in it at strategic places which put pressure on his head which'll help him to understand what I'm asking him to do. But it's gentle obv. And it's black which is gunna be his colour :D I need to get him a brekkie bowl..dinner bowl and a water bowl. I'm not getting him a haynet until he is 4 or 5, unless he just has Twig's big one w/ the big holes cause it isn't good for his teeth!
Anyhow, gotta bounce!
Love ya!
Je t'aime petit poisson
Why I feel like I do: Not sure
What I'm going to do about it: Er..nothing?
I have to leave for the yard followed by a night shift in like...10 minutes and I do not want to go to work.
I'm struggling not to pack my SI to take w/ me and i mean reaaaaally struggling.
We're watching Aladdin which makes me laugh xD
Okay, so like this is THE most pointless post heh.
Oo, we bought Z's headcollar last night ^.^ It should be here soonish I hope, it's lovely! It's an Arab headcollar, made of rope :D It has knots in it at strategic places which put pressure on his head which'll help him to understand what I'm asking him to do. But it's gentle obv. And it's black which is gunna be his colour :D I need to get him a brekkie bowl..dinner bowl and a water bowl. I'm not getting him a haynet until he is 4 or 5, unless he just has Twig's big one w/ the big holes cause it isn't good for his teeth!
Anyhow, gotta bounce!
Love ya!
Je t'aime petit poisson
Saturday, 22 January 2011
Lollop.
Today I feel: Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy
Why I feel like I do: Cause I'm tired?
What I'm going to do about it: Sleep?
Some obvious answers tonight...
So..I'm tired haha. Erm, I'm not looking to be awake for very much longer!
I'm craving juice! We have none and I want it.
Also, I'm so so so so sorry if I'm majorly bitchy or harsh or something..I'm hormonal and not doing so great at hiding it xD
Er...working tomorrow night so I'm not gunna be online at all, if I remember I'll post heh
I now need 345 and after tonight it'll be...215 :D :D
Ugh, I'm sleepy, baaai. x
Why I feel like I do: Cause I'm tired?
What I'm going to do about it: Sleep?
Some obvious answers tonight...
So..I'm tired haha. Erm, I'm not looking to be awake for very much longer!
I'm craving juice! We have none and I want it.
Also, I'm so so so so sorry if I'm majorly bitchy or harsh or something..I'm hormonal and not doing so great at hiding it xD
Er...working tomorrow night so I'm not gunna be online at all, if I remember I'll post heh
I now need 345 and after tonight it'll be...215 :D :D
Ugh, I'm sleepy, baaai. x
Friday, 21 January 2011
Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down.
Today I feel: Not sure
Why I feel like I do: Dunno
What I'm going to do about it: Dunno :P
I had to cancel my physio for Monday cause I'm doing a night shift on Sunday, which I don't much wanna do -.- But I need to. Then I'm doing Tuesday 7-9.30 too.
I'm actually so tired right now I'm hoping to be in bed the right side of midnight again. Esp cause I have work in the morning! Barb work that is, not Pat work.
Erm...Feeling slightly urgy today but controllable, might watch another episode of Buffy, I'll be on Ep...11 I think. The one after Nightmare, whatever that is.
Oo, I was looking on Alethea's site today and her arabs for sale and there are some really beautiful ones up there! Not as good looking as Z though :P
I dropped his breeders an email today to ask how his travelling training was going and whether they'd be willing to box him down for me, but as of yet, no response.
I might bail into town tomorrow and see if I can get a dongle I can use at Pat's, *but* I don't want to use any of my money! So it's probably a no, but I do need some new trainers at some point...and I want to get some music.
When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
I love this line from Iris.
But now I'm rambling so like..yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I might write a list of films I want to see and then..well..see them lol
Gunna do some work on Batman's giftypoo for V-day when the parentals go to bed, cause I can't work on it when they're about heh. But if they go to bed late then I'll take to Pat's w/ me again.
Laters x
Why I feel like I do: Dunno
What I'm going to do about it: Dunno :P
I had to cancel my physio for Monday cause I'm doing a night shift on Sunday, which I don't much wanna do -.- But I need to. Then I'm doing Tuesday 7-9.30 too.
I'm actually so tired right now I'm hoping to be in bed the right side of midnight again. Esp cause I have work in the morning! Barb work that is, not Pat work.
Erm...Feeling slightly urgy today but controllable, might watch another episode of Buffy, I'll be on Ep...11 I think. The one after Nightmare, whatever that is.
Oo, I was looking on Alethea's site today and her arabs for sale and there are some really beautiful ones up there! Not as good looking as Z though :P
I dropped his breeders an email today to ask how his travelling training was going and whether they'd be willing to box him down for me, but as of yet, no response.
I might bail into town tomorrow and see if I can get a dongle I can use at Pat's, *but* I don't want to use any of my money! So it's probably a no, but I do need some new trainers at some point...and I want to get some music.
When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
I love this line from Iris.
But now I'm rambling so like..yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I might write a list of films I want to see and then..well..see them lol
Gunna do some work on Batman's giftypoo for V-day when the parentals go to bed, cause I can't work on it when they're about heh. But if they go to bed late then I'll take to Pat's w/ me again.
Laters x
Thursday, 20 January 2011
Meh
Today I feel: Lowish
Why I feel like I do: Dunno
What I'm gunna do about it: Dunno
Eh, my head hurts and I'm not sure why. It keeps responding to Kwaahla which is disturbing..I'm hoping it's just Harly cause she keeps saying it. It may end up being her new name xD
Er..went riding today, rode bareback for a change. I love the feeling of her muscles underneath me s'really nice heh.
Not riding tomorrow.
Taking Jaff for a walk on Saturday after work.
I need 350 til I can get Z...Getting 130 on Sunday night and 25 on Tuesday so I'll only need 195...
Suddenly I want Marshmallows. Hmm.
Watching Not Going Out, it's funny heh
Hmm...I wanna SI. Not gunna before anyone gets mad at me -.- But..I wanna.
Eh, laters.
Why I feel like I do: Dunno
What I'm gunna do about it: Dunno
Eh, my head hurts and I'm not sure why. It keeps responding to Kwaahla which is disturbing..I'm hoping it's just Harly cause she keeps saying it. It may end up being her new name xD
Er..went riding today, rode bareback for a change. I love the feeling of her muscles underneath me s'really nice heh.
Not riding tomorrow.
Taking Jaff for a walk on Saturday after work.
I need 350 til I can get Z...Getting 130 on Sunday night and 25 on Tuesday so I'll only need 195...
Suddenly I want Marshmallows. Hmm.
Watching Not Going Out, it's funny heh
Hmm...I wanna SI. Not gunna before anyone gets mad at me -.- But..I wanna.
Eh, laters.
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Oh, vey.
Today I feel: Deaded.
Why I feel like I do: I hate 13 hour shifts
What I'm going to do about it: Sleep?
Gawd, I'm pooped. Like totally shitted. Lol, poop references, I'm mature.
Erm...I haven't done a whole hell of a lot today cause I spelt the time sleeping! I slept from 9-12.30 and then to 2.30 heh
OT. I love Kat Von Dee.
I somewhat hate the Full Moon, Sioux and Skye keep flicking out and growling so I find myself growling at people!
My head hurts like fuck mostly from lack of sleep I think, but I feel nauseous at the same time it's annoying.
Nan's driving me insane. And with that I'm going to go, I need to go to bed soon -.- I'm riding at 10am so I need to be up and at'em at 9 O.O That's early when you missed a night!
Laters x
Why I feel like I do: I hate 13 hour shifts
What I'm going to do about it: Sleep?
Gawd, I'm pooped. Like totally shitted. Lol, poop references, I'm mature.
Erm...I haven't done a whole hell of a lot today cause I spelt the time sleeping! I slept from 9-12.30 and then to 2.30 heh
OT. I love Kat Von Dee.
I somewhat hate the Full Moon, Sioux and Skye keep flicking out and growling so I find myself growling at people!
My head hurts like fuck mostly from lack of sleep I think, but I feel nauseous at the same time it's annoying.
Nan's driving me insane. And with that I'm going to go, I need to go to bed soon -.- I'm riding at 10am so I need to be up and at'em at 9 O.O That's early when you missed a night!
Laters x
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
Dooby Doo.
Today I feel: Kinda low actually
Why I feel like I do: I have no idea
What I'm going to do about it: Er..?
Batman has no net :( It sucks. But then I have work tonight so it doesn't bother me so much tonight, but it will when I'm home.
I have the option of doing Friday night...BUT if I do Friday night then I'll have to go straight to Barb's o.o But it's another 120 quid..I think not...I texted D to say I can do til 10 or so if that's any help..see what she says heh.
Erm...Riding on Thursday w/ Rachel heh
Walked Lucy with her and Millz today was fun heh, kept the talk away from SI.
Er...I'mma nap when Smell gets in so I'm not dying overnight! But right now, I'm so freaking tired. I need to get something for dinner too, ugh.
I need to print something off before I go heh and I need to take a notepad and my coloured pens...and my book "hide and seek" by James Patterson anddd...that's it I think...
After work I have the yard asap in the morning and then I'll probably snooze around 9 ish til...12 I guess. I don't need long to recharge until Weds night. But nan'll be round so I'll go to sleep at like 11 ish I guess.
I'm actually so tired right now it's amazing. Rach has come to the conclusion that I'm depressed but I'm not...I'm just tired a lot! I don't sleep well!
Eh, I need to make some tea, laters taters :] x
Why I feel like I do: I have no idea
What I'm going to do about it: Er..?
Batman has no net :( It sucks. But then I have work tonight so it doesn't bother me so much tonight, but it will when I'm home.
I have the option of doing Friday night...BUT if I do Friday night then I'll have to go straight to Barb's o.o But it's another 120 quid..I think not...I texted D to say I can do til 10 or so if that's any help..see what she says heh.
Erm...Riding on Thursday w/ Rachel heh
Walked Lucy with her and Millz today was fun heh, kept the talk away from SI.
Er...I'mma nap when Smell gets in so I'm not dying overnight! But right now, I'm so freaking tired. I need to get something for dinner too, ugh.
I need to print something off before I go heh and I need to take a notepad and my coloured pens...and my book "hide and seek" by James Patterson anddd...that's it I think...
After work I have the yard asap in the morning and then I'll probably snooze around 9 ish til...12 I guess. I don't need long to recharge until Weds night. But nan'll be round so I'll go to sleep at like 11 ish I guess.
I'm actually so tired right now it's amazing. Rach has come to the conclusion that I'm depressed but I'm not...I'm just tired a lot! I don't sleep well!
Eh, I need to make some tea, laters taters :] x
Monday, 17 January 2011
Mondayy.
Today I feel: Tired
Why I feel like I do: 3 hours sleep.
What I'm going to do about it: Sleep better tonight!
I have a night shift tomorrow and ugh, I don't wanna do it, but I need to cause I need the money. Then I'll only need £360. It's not looking like I'm gunna get all the money by the time I need to but Mum said she'd lend me it should I find myself short and I'll just have to pay her back.
I'm so damn tired, keep having nightmares and struggling to get to sleep heh. Been listening to music to try and help but it doesn't help.
Been listening to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls a lot and Firework by Katy Perry, I like both songs heh.
Mum's watching Gordon Ramsey and he scares the fuck outta me cause he's always shouting and I don't like it ><
Missed Rachel today...kinda on purpose. I feel...different around her atm, but I'm hoping that'll change, but I feel like she can see this part of me I don't want her to. When she asks me how I am I don't feel like I can just brush it off with my usual answer of fine cause she looks at me all suspicious heh. I feel a lot of the time like she's looking at me...like watching me but I don't think she is..yet I feel it? Like when I picked up the knife to cut open the cardboard bale I *knew* she was watching me and it made me really uncomfortable I mean like..really? Apart from the fact the knife can't cut shit, I'm not gunna use something gross and dirty that I don't "know". Eh, it's annoying. But do I expect anything different? One of the things she said to me was that I didn't look like someone that would SI...I look "normal". Well, I'm finally normal in something, shame it's not true -.- I feel like I need to reassure her that I'm not going to fuck about with every sharp object I come into contact with!
My laptop keeps overheating cause the fucking cooler broke -.- This is like the 5th one I've had! They can't cope with this computer, I swear. This one actually kept it vaguely cool, but now I can feel the heat in the palm of my hands where they are resting on it.
So, now I'm scooting, laters. x
Why I feel like I do: 3 hours sleep.
What I'm going to do about it: Sleep better tonight!
I have a night shift tomorrow and ugh, I don't wanna do it, but I need to cause I need the money. Then I'll only need £360. It's not looking like I'm gunna get all the money by the time I need to but Mum said she'd lend me it should I find myself short and I'll just have to pay her back.
I'm so damn tired, keep having nightmares and struggling to get to sleep heh. Been listening to music to try and help but it doesn't help.
Been listening to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls a lot and Firework by Katy Perry, I like both songs heh.
Mum's watching Gordon Ramsey and he scares the fuck outta me cause he's always shouting and I don't like it ><
Missed Rachel today...kinda on purpose. I feel...different around her atm, but I'm hoping that'll change, but I feel like she can see this part of me I don't want her to. When she asks me how I am I don't feel like I can just brush it off with my usual answer of fine cause she looks at me all suspicious heh. I feel a lot of the time like she's looking at me...like watching me but I don't think she is..yet I feel it? Like when I picked up the knife to cut open the cardboard bale I *knew* she was watching me and it made me really uncomfortable I mean like..really? Apart from the fact the knife can't cut shit, I'm not gunna use something gross and dirty that I don't "know". Eh, it's annoying. But do I expect anything different? One of the things she said to me was that I didn't look like someone that would SI...I look "normal". Well, I'm finally normal in something, shame it's not true -.- I feel like I need to reassure her that I'm not going to fuck about with every sharp object I come into contact with!
My laptop keeps overheating cause the fucking cooler broke -.- This is like the 5th one I've had! They can't cope with this computer, I swear. This one actually kept it vaguely cool, but now I can feel the heat in the palm of my hands where they are resting on it.
So, now I'm scooting, laters. x
Sunday, 16 January 2011
Sunday.
Today I feel: Better than yesterday
Why I feel like I do: Not sure
What I'm going to do about it: Nothing?
Er, today was pretty simple, I didn't do much...but hey, it's a Sunday.
Twig was really bad this morning, looking really poor and he had diarrhea (spelt wrong) but he was doing way better tonight though he still looks poor.
I'm really enjoying the whole Chat Mod thing, I'm loving the responsibility heh.
So I'm running low on words...and I'm trying to dry my hair so like adios amigos!
I'll post properly tomorrow if I remember. But there will be no night post on Tuesday as I have a night shift, but I *might* post earlier in the day if I remember.
Laters. x
Why I feel like I do: Not sure
What I'm going to do about it: Nothing?
Er, today was pretty simple, I didn't do much...but hey, it's a Sunday.
Twig was really bad this morning, looking really poor and he had diarrhea (spelt wrong) but he was doing way better tonight though he still looks poor.
I'm really enjoying the whole Chat Mod thing, I'm loving the responsibility heh.
So I'm running low on words...and I'm trying to dry my hair so like adios amigos!
I'll post properly tomorrow if I remember. But there will be no night post on Tuesday as I have a night shift, but I *might* post earlier in the day if I remember.
Laters. x
Saturday, 15 January 2011
So like yes.
Today I feel: Shitty.
Why I feel like I do: Urgy.
What I'm going to do about it: Not a lot?
I feel like a drug addict. Like y'know how you read about them in the books when they're suffering withdrawal symptoms? Sick, shaky, sweaty and grouchy as fuck. Yeah, hi that's me right now.
Uhm...it's fun times living in my house right now. Mum's pissed at Smell who's pissed at Mum. Dad's pissed at Smell who's pissed back. Dad's pissed at Mum. Mum's pissed at me. Dad's pissed at me. And I'm like WHAT THE FUCK?!
I hate stress.
I need to buy new trainers.
Ugh. I need to lose weight, I *hate* how I look right now. And I want to do it properly but it's hard when Mum screams at me for not eating because you know sausage egg and chips is not my idea of a decent meal! But she's moaning she needs to lose weight too so maybe we'll eat better -.-'
I think I need to do this properly and safely without taking it too far or being stupid like I have done before because I need to feel more comfortable in my own body and like, summer is coming and I want to be in decent shape. PLUS I need to be lighter if I want to ride Jaff. And I need to be as light as I can be when I back Z.
But yes, whatever. I'll deal with it. And yeah. Meh.
This post is not going too well...somewhat negative I feel.
Erm, adding to the negativeness (it's a word.) Rachel asked me how I was today and even though I knew what she meant I brushed it off and it pissed me off afterwards. She looked at me like *raises eyebrow* but I just grinned and continued being merry even though I feel like shit. Then afterwards it was like, WHY did I do that? Admittedly saying I felt shit wouldn't have helped at all cause Smell was lurking but w/e and I kept dx'ing but again w/e.
Eh, I'mma scoot. Laters.
Why I feel like I do: Urgy.
What I'm going to do about it: Not a lot?
I feel like a drug addict. Like y'know how you read about them in the books when they're suffering withdrawal symptoms? Sick, shaky, sweaty and grouchy as fuck. Yeah, hi that's me right now.
Uhm...it's fun times living in my house right now. Mum's pissed at Smell who's pissed at Mum. Dad's pissed at Smell who's pissed back. Dad's pissed at Mum. Mum's pissed at me. Dad's pissed at me. And I'm like WHAT THE FUCK?!
I hate stress.
I need to buy new trainers.
Ugh. I need to lose weight, I *hate* how I look right now. And I want to do it properly but it's hard when Mum screams at me for not eating because you know sausage egg and chips is not my idea of a decent meal! But she's moaning she needs to lose weight too so maybe we'll eat better -.-'
I think I need to do this properly and safely without taking it too far or being stupid like I have done before because I need to feel more comfortable in my own body and like, summer is coming and I want to be in decent shape. PLUS I need to be lighter if I want to ride Jaff. And I need to be as light as I can be when I back Z.
But yes, whatever. I'll deal with it. And yeah. Meh.
This post is not going too well...somewhat negative I feel.
Erm, adding to the negativeness (it's a word.) Rachel asked me how I was today and even though I knew what she meant I brushed it off and it pissed me off afterwards. She looked at me like *raises eyebrow* but I just grinned and continued being merry even though I feel like shit. Then afterwards it was like, WHY did I do that? Admittedly saying I felt shit wouldn't have helped at all cause Smell was lurking but w/e and I kept dx'ing but again w/e.
Eh, I'mma scoot. Laters.
Friday, 14 January 2011
Struggling.
Today I feel: Out of control
Why I feel like I do: Explain in a mo
What I'm going to do about it: Fight like fuck.
I am SO urgy right now. To the point that I can barely touch my phone cause I know there is a blade in it. I *need* to do it. It's not a want anymore it's a physical need. But I know I can't. And I know I can live without it, but I feel physically sick because the craving is that strong right now.
I've pretty much exhausted all the major distraction techniques I have. I rode today, I spent a long time grooming Ellie, I played guitar, I've played computer games (Guitar Hero), I've been in chat and on the board, I've got temporary tattoos on. And all my mind is on, is SI. The feel of it. The rush. The pain. The blood.
And of course, the guilt.
I know how much it's gunna kill me, BUT I actually don't care.
I know if I do slip it's gunna be major. And it's not gunna be a slip, it's going to be a restart because I won't have the self control to stop. And I know that. But regardless...all I want to do is bleed and hurt.
I hate SI.
But I kinda love it too..
Why I feel like I do: Explain in a mo
What I'm going to do about it: Fight like fuck.
I am SO urgy right now. To the point that I can barely touch my phone cause I know there is a blade in it. I *need* to do it. It's not a want anymore it's a physical need. But I know I can't. And I know I can live without it, but I feel physically sick because the craving is that strong right now.
I've pretty much exhausted all the major distraction techniques I have. I rode today, I spent a long time grooming Ellie, I played guitar, I've played computer games (Guitar Hero), I've been in chat and on the board, I've got temporary tattoos on. And all my mind is on, is SI. The feel of it. The rush. The pain. The blood.
And of course, the guilt.
I know how much it's gunna kill me, BUT I actually don't care.
I know if I do slip it's gunna be major. And it's not gunna be a slip, it's going to be a restart because I won't have the self control to stop. And I know that. But regardless...all I want to do is bleed and hurt.
I hate SI.
But I kinda love it too..
Thursday, 13 January 2011
SI.
Today I feel: Drained
Why I feel like I do: I'll explain in a minute!
What I'm going to do about it: Sleep?
Today I met Rachel for the first time having told her about the SI. It was really really awkward to begin with but I know Rach so I relaxed and it was okay to talk about...though I wouldn't really look at her heh. We talked about why I did it...what started it...how long it went on...where...what I did...whether I still have tools...whether I looked afer it...what my thoughts were when I was doing it and the build up to actually doing it...whether I felt it was dangerous...how I distracted myself and whether I'd be able to cope with telling Mum without slipping up...
I really can't be bothered to answer those questions right now, but yeah.
I said SO much about something that is so personal and so secretive that I'm so drained and tired it's unbelievable. I feel so vulnerable and...I'm kinda scared heh. Noone's known that much about one side of me...ever. Freaks me out. I'm so drained I feel really low and actually very urgy heh. I've got an elastic band on and I'm half worried Rach'll see it cause I said I wear them a lot when I'm struggling with urges and stuff.
I'm not impressed that I told her so much...but at the same time I'm glad heh...it's nice to have someone to talk to about it. I kinda think she might be checking my arms or legs or whatever but at the same time I know her well enough that she won't...
I half remember telling her about when Mum came in and caught me mid-SI but I pulled my trouser leg down and could feel it on my leg but I didn't say anything and all I could think was that I needed her to leave...I was pissed I was almost finished my routine and I had to start again.
I spent most of my time staring either straight ahead or to the side, so I'm figuring it was a dissociation, but of the normal kind because I just can't remember a whole hell of a lot.
Uhm...I kinda remember saying that I didn't want anything to change between me and mum but obviously if I tell her it will...and depending on what I say depends on how it'll change...like if I tell her it's over and done with, it's something I did a long time ago then that's wonderful...but if I say that I have tools still and I'm still struggling that's totally different and I don't think I wanna say that to her...
But the thing is...I AM still struggling and right now, having bought it all I'm struggling even more. I've put an elastic band on and when I got home I taped a blade into the back of my phone again (which is something else I told her about, and she understand the need to have it there for comfort...not cause I'mma use it) and I'mma doodle on my arms or something maybe...or I might put a temporary tattoo on my wrist again as a reminder I need to keep myself safe. I have to keep fighting to stay free because if I go back to SI'ing regularly then I'm not going to be able to stop and it's going to be way worse than I was before.
One of the Q's Rach asked made me giggle because although I half expected it I wasn't prepared...
"Doesn't it hurt?"
That's the whole idea heh, I tried to explain it to her and the whole...addiction side of it and I think she understood it okay which is just as well because I was running out of words.
I really do think I dissociated because I can remember trying to say something and finding myself muttering and stopping for long periods of time and just..staring. I'm pretty sure Rach picked up on it but didn't know what it was, if I can I'll mention it tomorrow, but we're riding w/ Cilla so I probably won't be able to mention it unless it rains cause Cilla won't ride if it does.
Ugh, this has taken me SO long to type out because I don't have the energy.
Side note: Zohan passed his vetting, he has two wolf teeth but otherwise he's a-okay. Any other Zohan news, will be posted on his blog, so if you wish to know what I'm doing with the fluffy sod then feel free to friend the blog heh.
Laters guys x
Why I feel like I do: I'll explain in a minute!
What I'm going to do about it: Sleep?
Today I met Rachel for the first time having told her about the SI. It was really really awkward to begin with but I know Rach so I relaxed and it was okay to talk about...though I wouldn't really look at her heh. We talked about why I did it...what started it...how long it went on...where...what I did...whether I still have tools...whether I looked afer it...what my thoughts were when I was doing it and the build up to actually doing it...whether I felt it was dangerous...how I distracted myself and whether I'd be able to cope with telling Mum without slipping up...
I really can't be bothered to answer those questions right now, but yeah.
I said SO much about something that is so personal and so secretive that I'm so drained and tired it's unbelievable. I feel so vulnerable and...I'm kinda scared heh. Noone's known that much about one side of me...ever. Freaks me out. I'm so drained I feel really low and actually very urgy heh. I've got an elastic band on and I'm half worried Rach'll see it cause I said I wear them a lot when I'm struggling with urges and stuff.
I'm not impressed that I told her so much...but at the same time I'm glad heh...it's nice to have someone to talk to about it. I kinda think she might be checking my arms or legs or whatever but at the same time I know her well enough that she won't...
I half remember telling her about when Mum came in and caught me mid-SI but I pulled my trouser leg down and could feel it on my leg but I didn't say anything and all I could think was that I needed her to leave...I was pissed I was almost finished my routine and I had to start again.
I spent most of my time staring either straight ahead or to the side, so I'm figuring it was a dissociation, but of the normal kind because I just can't remember a whole hell of a lot.
Uhm...I kinda remember saying that I didn't want anything to change between me and mum but obviously if I tell her it will...and depending on what I say depends on how it'll change...like if I tell her it's over and done with, it's something I did a long time ago then that's wonderful...but if I say that I have tools still and I'm still struggling that's totally different and I don't think I wanna say that to her...
But the thing is...I AM still struggling and right now, having bought it all I'm struggling even more. I've put an elastic band on and when I got home I taped a blade into the back of my phone again (which is something else I told her about, and she understand the need to have it there for comfort...not cause I'mma use it) and I'mma doodle on my arms or something maybe...or I might put a temporary tattoo on my wrist again as a reminder I need to keep myself safe. I have to keep fighting to stay free because if I go back to SI'ing regularly then I'm not going to be able to stop and it's going to be way worse than I was before.
One of the Q's Rach asked made me giggle because although I half expected it I wasn't prepared...
"Doesn't it hurt?"
That's the whole idea heh, I tried to explain it to her and the whole...addiction side of it and I think she understood it okay which is just as well because I was running out of words.
I really do think I dissociated because I can remember trying to say something and finding myself muttering and stopping for long periods of time and just..staring. I'm pretty sure Rach picked up on it but didn't know what it was, if I can I'll mention it tomorrow, but we're riding w/ Cilla so I probably won't be able to mention it unless it rains cause Cilla won't ride if it does.
Ugh, this has taken me SO long to type out because I don't have the energy.
Side note: Zohan passed his vetting, he has two wolf teeth but otherwise he's a-okay. Any other Zohan news, will be posted on his blog, so if you wish to know what I'm doing with the fluffy sod then feel free to friend the blog heh.
Laters guys x
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Training Chat!
Today I feel: Nervous
Why I feel like I do: Because I had a Pandy's training chat and I told Rach about the SI
What I'm going to do about it: Not be nervous...?
The TC went really well though, so I'm not sure why I'm nervous now! It was really useful and really clarified stuff! And we found out about the member who was being rude and disruptive which was nice, though I'm sorry it ended as it does.
And so to the big news of the day.
To be fair...I didn't ACTUALLY say the words IRL because they kept getting stuck and scaring me. But she told me to text her and she text me asking whether is was SI or SU and I said it was SI and she said we'd talk tomorrow. I'm meeting her at the yard at 10am so we can walk the dog so I can talk to her about it and figure out how to tell my mother that I used to. I'm fucking terrified. I nearly passed out when I was talking to her cause I was so freaked out heh. I'm glad I told her...but I'm so so freaked about seeing her for the first time. Same as I was when I hadda see E for the first time. And I know I'm gunna have to answer some awkward as shit questions, but I can deal w/ that.
Talked serious stuff with Batman, which was less scary than I thought it was going to be, but we needa talk a bit more I think heh.
My brain hurts, so I need to go take some painkillers.
OH! New little, Tish, she's 8 and likes cats...I'll post more later!
Why I feel like I do: Because I had a Pandy's training chat and I told Rach about the SI
What I'm going to do about it: Not be nervous...?
The TC went really well though, so I'm not sure why I'm nervous now! It was really useful and really clarified stuff! And we found out about the member who was being rude and disruptive which was nice, though I'm sorry it ended as it does.
And so to the big news of the day.
To be fair...I didn't ACTUALLY say the words IRL because they kept getting stuck and scaring me. But she told me to text her and she text me asking whether is was SI or SU and I said it was SI and she said we'd talk tomorrow. I'm meeting her at the yard at 10am so we can walk the dog so I can talk to her about it and figure out how to tell my mother that I used to. I'm fucking terrified. I nearly passed out when I was talking to her cause I was so freaked out heh. I'm glad I told her...but I'm so so freaked about seeing her for the first time. Same as I was when I hadda see E for the first time. And I know I'm gunna have to answer some awkward as shit questions, but I can deal w/ that.
Talked serious stuff with Batman, which was less scary than I thought it was going to be, but we needa talk a bit more I think heh.
My brain hurts, so I need to go take some painkillers.
OH! New little, Tish, she's 8 and likes cats...I'll post more later!
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
So, right.
*le sigh*
I need to post this nightmare and hope that it's gunna help because I'm fed up of it. It's part of my relationship w/ T and I hate this part of our story together because it was the lowest part and I feel that people are gunna be asking why the fuck I was ever with him.
Please be aware this is going to be pretty graphic. Please take care when reading *DV/R trigger*
So this is from when I stayed w/ T when I was having trouble at home...if you read the post before when I gave a brief description you'll have a vague idea about what I'm talking about, if not, well I'm not explaining it again. Okay, so when I moved in with him and his mum, I was 14 and he was 16. It was all okay for the first two days because his Mum was about until she got a call from her father saying that her mother was ill and she had to go and help take care of her. She trusted T to look after me and for some stupid reason, I did too. As soon as his mum left he took control and started to become possessive like he always did, he told me he didn't want me going to school because he knew I was looking at other men and that I was sleeping with someone behind his back when I wouldn't have sex with him. He was screaming at me lashing out at my body and pinning me to the wall behind me. I remember he forced me to my knees and held me there while he unzipped his jeans. He ordered me to give him a blowjob and when I wouldn't he slapped me and pinched my nose so I had to open my mouth to breathe. As soon as I did he forced himself into my mouth and thrusted hard, he hit the back of my throat which made me gag and try to inhale but I couldn't because he was blocking my windpipe. He held himself in me and wouldn't let me breathe until I finally passed out and came round a short while later to find I was tied down to his bed. He knew how much being restricted freaked me out and he was smiling at me as I lay there. I was naked and so was he, he grinned widely at me and told me he had a surprise for me. 5 of his friends, that I knew walked in the room. JT, K, L, O, A, C. They took their clothes off and approached me on the bed. One by one they raped me and forced me to give them oral until I passed out, exactly the same way T had, except I couldn't fight back because I was tied down. When they had all finished they left me tied to the bed and went out. When T came back I begged him to untie me and he ignored me, I told him I had to use the bathroom and he used his handcuffs to lock my hands together while he walked me to the bathroom. I tried to get away but he pushed me down the stairs before dragging me back up and tieing me back up. The next day his friends came back and raped me all over again, when they'd finished instead of leaving as they had before they used some bamboo canes his mother used in the garden to whip me until I screamed. They did the same for 2 more days until T had commitments which meant he had to untie me and give me the run of the house again. He carved a T into my lower stomach and told me I was now his and noone else could have me. I wasn't allowed to leave the house for the remaining 5 days, when his mum came back she asked how we'd enjoyed having some alone time and joked that she hoped we hadn't got up to anything mischevious. His mum was gardening a couple of days after she got back and asked T why there was blood on her bamboo sticks, but he told her it was probably paint, and she agreed. I stayed with T for another week or so until I gather the courage to leave him which I said to him in front of his mum cause I was hoping he'd control himself but instead he backhanded me and split my lip and his mother sat staring at him blankly. When he raised his hand to me a second time, his mum shouted at him to stop it.
Might post the rest later, right now I need to stop.
I need to post this nightmare and hope that it's gunna help because I'm fed up of it. It's part of my relationship w/ T and I hate this part of our story together because it was the lowest part and I feel that people are gunna be asking why the fuck I was ever with him.
Please be aware this is going to be pretty graphic. Please take care when reading *DV/R trigger*
So this is from when I stayed w/ T when I was having trouble at home...if you read the post before when I gave a brief description you'll have a vague idea about what I'm talking about, if not, well I'm not explaining it again. Okay, so when I moved in with him and his mum, I was 14 and he was 16. It was all okay for the first two days because his Mum was about until she got a call from her father saying that her mother was ill and she had to go and help take care of her. She trusted T to look after me and for some stupid reason, I did too. As soon as his mum left he took control and started to become possessive like he always did, he told me he didn't want me going to school because he knew I was looking at other men and that I was sleeping with someone behind his back when I wouldn't have sex with him. He was screaming at me lashing out at my body and pinning me to the wall behind me. I remember he forced me to my knees and held me there while he unzipped his jeans. He ordered me to give him a blowjob and when I wouldn't he slapped me and pinched my nose so I had to open my mouth to breathe. As soon as I did he forced himself into my mouth and thrusted hard, he hit the back of my throat which made me gag and try to inhale but I couldn't because he was blocking my windpipe. He held himself in me and wouldn't let me breathe until I finally passed out and came round a short while later to find I was tied down to his bed. He knew how much being restricted freaked me out and he was smiling at me as I lay there. I was naked and so was he, he grinned widely at me and told me he had a surprise for me. 5 of his friends, that I knew walked in the room. JT, K, L, O, A, C. They took their clothes off and approached me on the bed. One by one they raped me and forced me to give them oral until I passed out, exactly the same way T had, except I couldn't fight back because I was tied down. When they had all finished they left me tied to the bed and went out. When T came back I begged him to untie me and he ignored me, I told him I had to use the bathroom and he used his handcuffs to lock my hands together while he walked me to the bathroom. I tried to get away but he pushed me down the stairs before dragging me back up and tieing me back up. The next day his friends came back and raped me all over again, when they'd finished instead of leaving as they had before they used some bamboo canes his mother used in the garden to whip me until I screamed. They did the same for 2 more days until T had commitments which meant he had to untie me and give me the run of the house again. He carved a T into my lower stomach and told me I was now his and noone else could have me. I wasn't allowed to leave the house for the remaining 5 days, when his mum came back she asked how we'd enjoyed having some alone time and joked that she hoped we hadn't got up to anything mischevious. His mum was gardening a couple of days after she got back and asked T why there was blood on her bamboo sticks, but he told her it was probably paint, and she agreed. I stayed with T for another week or so until I gather the courage to leave him which I said to him in front of his mum cause I was hoping he'd control himself but instead he backhanded me and split my lip and his mother sat staring at him blankly. When he raised his hand to me a second time, his mum shouted at him to stop it.
Might post the rest later, right now I need to stop.
Monday, 10 January 2011
Little Fish and Genesis.
For those of you who know me you know I like people to have nicknames. Now, my best friend ever, Leila, is called Lit'lun. She's 5ft 4, hyperactive as a rabbit on speed and all I could ever hope for in a friend.
Lit'lun recently gave birth to a little girl, Genesis Miste, but gave her up for adoption because she felt she couldn't give her the life she needed. I know how hard a decision that was for her and I wish I could have been there to help her through it, but there is a damn ocean in the way.
Little Fish is my bestest buddy and she's helped me so much even though I know she'll disagree. She means the world to me and I'd fall apart if anything happened to her.
I love you so freakin' much Little Fish and I know your body is struggling right now but I'm so glad it's getting better and you're fighting through this!
Je t'aime petit poisson!
Keep On Keepin' On <3
Ohana <3
Lit'lun recently gave birth to a little girl, Genesis Miste, but gave her up for adoption because she felt she couldn't give her the life she needed. I know how hard a decision that was for her and I wish I could have been there to help her through it, but there is a damn ocean in the way.
Little Fish is my bestest buddy and she's helped me so much even though I know she'll disagree. She means the world to me and I'd fall apart if anything happened to her.
I love you so freakin' much Little Fish and I know your body is struggling right now but I'm so glad it's getting better and you're fighting through this!
Je t'aime petit poisson!
Keep On Keepin' On <3
Ohana <3
Sunday, 9 January 2011
Zohan.
This post is entirely devoted to him, I'm do my usual post later tonight!
I went up to see him today and put my deposit down on him! SO excited!
He was bought into the ring and as he walked in I just thought "he's the one I want" and he trotted beautifully, carried his head and tail amazingly and I can't wait to bring him down here!
Chris is going to work on loading him into a trailer and teach him the correct stance for showing :-)
The deal is, I have a month to come up with the funds and arrange a second visit so I can pay the rest of the money and trailer him back OR I owe £30 a week livery on top of trying to raise the money! I need to raise £510 which shouldn't be too hard if I do three or four night shifts! Hell, I'll do a week of them if it means I can get him now!
Mum's going to ring the vet tomorrow and they'll send me over a form which I need to fill in and sign and then send back and then they'll arrange with Chris to come out and do a two stage vetting which is basically, checking his movement, heart, lungs etc and some flexion tests.
Flexion tests is when they bend the knees/fetlocks(ankles) and trot the horse to make sure they don't go lame.
We looked at, HillBilly, Disko, Mr.P and this amazing filly called Pizazz who is actually to DIE for, but my heart was set on Zohan! He's beautiful and just what I'm looking for. His legs, mane and tail are going to stay dark but his body will lighten and become completely grey (white).
I want to start a blog for him complete with pictures showing the progress of him :-) I'll set it up and begin posting once he arrives! I shall post a link: http://zohanandi.blogspot.com/
Love yah!
Saturday, 8 January 2011
Okay.
How I feel: Worried and slightly panicked
Why I feel like I do: Because I need to decide how I'm going to tell my Mother about the SI
What I'm going to do about it: Breathe.
I've been playing Love The Way You Lie on my guitar, and as much as I love the song, I hate it too. The timing for it couldn't have been more perfect though. It makes me think of T and it makes me think of "our" song.
Honestly, I miss the man he used to be. I didn't love him when he died, I knew he had changed and what he turned into wasn't what I loved in him.
Okay, so I need to stop posting about him, I'm fairly certain I'm annoying everyone xP
So, I made a promise I would tell Mum about SI'ing and I'm bricking it. I wanna tell Rachel first and see if she can help me find a way to tell Mum without her killing me or exploding in my face. But really there is no other way than for me to just say it, obviously I need to say it gently, I can't just be like "lol I used to make myself bleed to feel okay, byeee". But how do you tell your mother that you only found solace in hurting yourself? I know our relationship can sometimes be wonky but there is no way she is going to just accept it and not be hurt. or annoyed or any of the above.
Anyone have ANY ideas on how to put this across to Mum in the kindest way possible? She knows about SI and she knows I know people that do and she knows I openly support SIAD but she's kinda close minded sometimes.
Anywho, I'm going to see Z tomorrow and I'm really excited actually heh. I've written a little list on a post it note which is on my lappy. Says:
"Things to take:
-Camera
-£250 desposit
-Vetting agreement
-Directions"
I need to remember them all or I'll be in poop!
"But you'll always be my hero, even though you've lost your mind."
I think I need to write this memory out, but not now or I won't sleep. I just need to focus on the deep bass of this song and feel the chair under me and focus on now, I can't deal w/ dissociating or having another flashback or panic attack right now.
Love y'all. x
Why I feel like I do: Because I need to decide how I'm going to tell my Mother about the SI
What I'm going to do about it: Breathe.
I've been playing Love The Way You Lie on my guitar, and as much as I love the song, I hate it too. The timing for it couldn't have been more perfect though. It makes me think of T and it makes me think of "our" song.
Honestly, I miss the man he used to be. I didn't love him when he died, I knew he had changed and what he turned into wasn't what I loved in him.
Okay, so I need to stop posting about him, I'm fairly certain I'm annoying everyone xP
So, I made a promise I would tell Mum about SI'ing and I'm bricking it. I wanna tell Rachel first and see if she can help me find a way to tell Mum without her killing me or exploding in my face. But really there is no other way than for me to just say it, obviously I need to say it gently, I can't just be like "lol I used to make myself bleed to feel okay, byeee". But how do you tell your mother that you only found solace in hurting yourself? I know our relationship can sometimes be wonky but there is no way she is going to just accept it and not be hurt. or annoyed or any of the above.
Anyone have ANY ideas on how to put this across to Mum in the kindest way possible? She knows about SI and she knows I know people that do and she knows I openly support SIAD but she's kinda close minded sometimes.
Anywho, I'm going to see Z tomorrow and I'm really excited actually heh. I've written a little list on a post it note which is on my lappy. Says:
"Things to take:
-Camera
-£250 desposit
-Vetting agreement
-Directions"
I need to remember them all or I'll be in poop!
"But you'll always be my hero, even though you've lost your mind."
I think I need to write this memory out, but not now or I won't sleep. I just need to focus on the deep bass of this song and feel the chair under me and focus on now, I can't deal w/ dissociating or having another flashback or panic attack right now.
Love y'all. x
Friday, 7 January 2011
Alrighty folks.
Today I feel: Upbeat
Why I feel like I do: Not sure..
What I'm going to do about it: Continue to play this song.
Current song: Love the way you lie - Eminem ft. Rihanna
Lyrics:
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down
Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
This song is beautiful. I'm in love with it right now, I think it's because the video makes me think a lot about my past. Which, admittedly isn't always a good thing, but in this instance it is. I've been thinking about T a lot lately mostly because I posted so recently and it's all been fresh in my mind, but for once, that's okay. I'm remembering the good a long with the bad. And we did have some really good times.
Like this one time, I'd gone to his straight from home after Dad had hurt me and he curled up w/ me on his bed and just held me and let me get my head together and calm down without worrying about getting into trouble for crying or anything. We started off with him curled around me, my back to his stomach, but when I started to cry he pulled me round so my head was in his chest.
Times like that, I knew why I was with him and I knew that even when he was being abusive and hurting me all I could see was that compassion under the surface. As he became more abusive the compassionate side to him came out less and less, but I knew if I came to him from Dad he would be there to support me, he never once hurt me after Dad.
So, work was interesting last night 11pm-8am got £100 for it. Was pretty boring, mostly watched shit on TV lol. I'm working Tuesday 1-6 too which'll be 40. Currently I have £640 but I need minimum of 1,350 to pay for him, vetting AND transport, but hopefully Mum'll pay transport and I'll pay her back.
Erm...Slept from 9-3.30 which was decent and I didn't move the entire time lol. I'm beginning to feel dopey and sluggish so hopefully I'll go to bed at a decent time as I have work in the morning.
Seeing Zohan in like 1 day and as it is nearly tomorrow, it's almost tomorrow I'm seeing him and I'm so excited. I really can't wait, I'm going to be looking at a couple of geldings:
Disko,
HillBilly,
Ladeezman,
Mr. President
Zohan.
Z is who I'm looking at mostly, but I do want to look closely and Disko and see about the lump on his tendon.
Anyhow, I rode in the rain the other day lol it was nice to get out even though the weather sucked ass.
Oh, in the Rihanna video, she looks a helluva lot like Alix from my system, and for those of you that watch Glee, in S2 the kid, Sam looks like Zee apart from the fact Zee has longer, paler hair, but otherwise they're almost identical! Oh, and Zee's gay, but y'all already knew that! And if you didn't, what rock were you under?!?!
Laters guys, have a good weekend, tc x
<3
Why I feel like I do: Not sure..
What I'm going to do about it: Continue to play this song.
Current song: Love the way you lie - Eminem ft. Rihanna
Lyrics:
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down
Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
This song is beautiful. I'm in love with it right now, I think it's because the video makes me think a lot about my past. Which, admittedly isn't always a good thing, but in this instance it is. I've been thinking about T a lot lately mostly because I posted so recently and it's all been fresh in my mind, but for once, that's okay. I'm remembering the good a long with the bad. And we did have some really good times.
Like this one time, I'd gone to his straight from home after Dad had hurt me and he curled up w/ me on his bed and just held me and let me get my head together and calm down without worrying about getting into trouble for crying or anything. We started off with him curled around me, my back to his stomach, but when I started to cry he pulled me round so my head was in his chest.
Times like that, I knew why I was with him and I knew that even when he was being abusive and hurting me all I could see was that compassion under the surface. As he became more abusive the compassionate side to him came out less and less, but I knew if I came to him from Dad he would be there to support me, he never once hurt me after Dad.
So, work was interesting last night 11pm-8am got £100 for it. Was pretty boring, mostly watched shit on TV lol. I'm working Tuesday 1-6 too which'll be 40. Currently I have £640 but I need minimum of 1,350 to pay for him, vetting AND transport, but hopefully Mum'll pay transport and I'll pay her back.
Erm...Slept from 9-3.30 which was decent and I didn't move the entire time lol. I'm beginning to feel dopey and sluggish so hopefully I'll go to bed at a decent time as I have work in the morning.
Seeing Zohan in like 1 day and as it is nearly tomorrow, it's almost tomorrow I'm seeing him and I'm so excited. I really can't wait, I'm going to be looking at a couple of geldings:
Disko,
HillBilly,
Ladeezman,
Mr. President
Zohan.
Z is who I'm looking at mostly, but I do want to look closely and Disko and see about the lump on his tendon.
Anyhow, I rode in the rain the other day lol it was nice to get out even though the weather sucked ass.
Oh, in the Rihanna video, she looks a helluva lot like Alix from my system, and for those of you that watch Glee, in S2 the kid, Sam looks like Zee apart from the fact Zee has longer, paler hair, but otherwise they're almost identical! Oh, and Zee's gay, but y'all already knew that! And if you didn't, what rock were you under?!?!
Laters guys, have a good weekend, tc x
<3
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Nyergh.
Today I feel: In pain
Why I feel like I do: Cause Oasys SI'd
What I'm going to do about it: Nothing I can do.
So I've just been called into work for an emergency so I'm doing this early, but fortunately I have the chance to eat and I'm about to bail in the shower so I can deal with my leg.
I need to deal with Oasys cause she's injured my leg quite badly which is in a very awkward place. Riding today was interesting cause it rubbed against the saddle.
I need the money so I can't really say no and it's an emergency soooo I have to, and I'll take my phone which is charging, my lappy so I can get some writing done hopefully watch Inception.
And with that I need to bail. Take care.
Why I feel like I do: Cause Oasys SI'd
What I'm going to do about it: Nothing I can do.
So I've just been called into work for an emergency so I'm doing this early, but fortunately I have the chance to eat and I'm about to bail in the shower so I can deal with my leg.
I need to deal with Oasys cause she's injured my leg quite badly which is in a very awkward place. Riding today was interesting cause it rubbed against the saddle.
I need the money so I can't really say no and it's an emergency soooo I have to, and I'll take my phone which is charging, my lappy so I can get some writing done hopefully watch Inception.
And with that I need to bail. Take care.
Wednesday, 5 January 2011
Bonsoir.
Today I feel: In a bitta pain
Why I feel like I do: Cause I facebutted a metal chair arm and body memories
What I'm going to do about it: Take painkillers?
First off, I want to say Rest In Peace to little Woody who died today. He was a happy little terrier and he'll be missed like crazy.
So, I'm finally back up on my computer! I have this funky little doohicky that flashes blue which is boosting my internet so I can stay connected finally!!
I got my calendar today so I'm all organised and it's wonderful.
Only 3 days til I go and see Zohan, I'm so excited. I might drop Helen a line and ask her if she wants to come up with me even though she's more of a furry beastie lover rather than the fine ones that I'm looking at. I'll drop her a line tomorrow if I remember!
After having written up about T yesterday I've found myself struggling with body memories and I've managed to split my lip which is actually quite painful and probably doesn't help I keep poking it..
I need to shower tomorrow which should help but I'm still struggling wuite a bit but it'll get better.
And now I've run outta tings to say, soooo laters lol.
Hugs to all, love ya and take care!
<3
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
*DV/R WARNING*
This may well be triggering so PLEASE take care of yourselves when reading. Thanks.
I was with T for a year about 2 years ago. We were good friends for a couple of years before we got together, we lived near each other and we knew each other from school. He was the first person I properly loved and trusted him so much. Our relationship started out pretty well but soon descended into a one sided relationship, he started to get abusive and I thought it'd get better. H started to scare me and threaten me if I didn't do what he was telling me.
We went out with some of his friends and I told him I had to get home by a certain time and he told me I could leave when he gave me permission but I brushed him off and left and he back handed me in front of his friends leaving me with a bleeding nose and a split lip. I told him it was over. He apologised profusely and rang me repeatedly til I forgave him.
Started out okayish but quickly when bad again. He was pressuring me for sex but I wasn't ready and told him no. He knew about my past but used it against me. He got fed up of me saying no and finally forced me to give him oral sex and left me in his room. It became regular, me going round to his house and him forcing me to pleasure him before he apologised and then he got mad at me. We'd been back together about 5 months and he pinned me to his bed and raped me.
He used to hit my body and legs so that nobody could see the bruises and he would rarely lash out at my face because he didn't want people to ask questions. While all this with him was going on, I was still living at home with my abusive father.
I had a couple of issues at home and his mum let me move in but she ended up going away because her mother was ill. We were alone for about a week and a half. He forced me to pleasure him, tied me to his bed and raped me then invited his friends round. There were 5 of them and they all raped me every day for 4 days. He finally untied me but wouldn't let me out the house. I got to the point where I gathered enough courage to leave him a final time and moved back home when his mum got back home. When I told him it was over he lashed out at me and split my lip so I returned home bleeding.
He apologised liked crazy again and said it wouldn't happen again and whatnot, when I refused he shouted at me so I hung up the phone. He emailed me telling me he would kill himself if I didn't come back to him and I told him no again.
The next call I got was from his mum telling me he had been found hanging in his room with a note basically blaming me for his death and saying he couldn't live without me. I went to his funeral because his mum wanted me there, she used to ring me a lot until I broke down and told her what her "perfect and charming" son had done to me. She called me a lying whore among things and hasn't spoken to me since.
Okay so to sum up WHY I've written this all out it is because I told Batman and it's all fresh in my mind.
I needed him to understand exactly why I'm so anti-touch and so not prepared to trust him physically and I really hope it helped. I loved T once but he never really loved me back. But now I love Batman and I know he loves me back.
One month together Mr Batman and it's been an awesome month.
Je t'aime.
<3
I was with T for a year about 2 years ago. We were good friends for a couple of years before we got together, we lived near each other and we knew each other from school. He was the first person I properly loved and trusted him so much. Our relationship started out pretty well but soon descended into a one sided relationship, he started to get abusive and I thought it'd get better. H started to scare me and threaten me if I didn't do what he was telling me.
We went out with some of his friends and I told him I had to get home by a certain time and he told me I could leave when he gave me permission but I brushed him off and left and he back handed me in front of his friends leaving me with a bleeding nose and a split lip. I told him it was over. He apologised profusely and rang me repeatedly til I forgave him.
Started out okayish but quickly when bad again. He was pressuring me for sex but I wasn't ready and told him no. He knew about my past but used it against me. He got fed up of me saying no and finally forced me to give him oral sex and left me in his room. It became regular, me going round to his house and him forcing me to pleasure him before he apologised and then he got mad at me. We'd been back together about 5 months and he pinned me to his bed and raped me.
He used to hit my body and legs so that nobody could see the bruises and he would rarely lash out at my face because he didn't want people to ask questions. While all this with him was going on, I was still living at home with my abusive father.
I had a couple of issues at home and his mum let me move in but she ended up going away because her mother was ill. We were alone for about a week and a half. He forced me to pleasure him, tied me to his bed and raped me then invited his friends round. There were 5 of them and they all raped me every day for 4 days. He finally untied me but wouldn't let me out the house. I got to the point where I gathered enough courage to leave him a final time and moved back home when his mum got back home. When I told him it was over he lashed out at me and split my lip so I returned home bleeding.
He apologised liked crazy again and said it wouldn't happen again and whatnot, when I refused he shouted at me so I hung up the phone. He emailed me telling me he would kill himself if I didn't come back to him and I told him no again.
The next call I got was from his mum telling me he had been found hanging in his room with a note basically blaming me for his death and saying he couldn't live without me. I went to his funeral because his mum wanted me there, she used to ring me a lot until I broke down and told her what her "perfect and charming" son had done to me. She called me a lying whore among things and hasn't spoken to me since.
Okay so to sum up WHY I've written this all out it is because I told Batman and it's all fresh in my mind.
I needed him to understand exactly why I'm so anti-touch and so not prepared to trust him physically and I really hope it helped. I loved T once but he never really loved me back. But now I love Batman and I know he loves me back.
One month together Mr Batman and it's been an awesome month.
Je t'aime.
<3
An important post.
Today I feel: Twitchy
Why I feel like I do: Going to post about my past
What I'm going to do about it: Going to actually post.
But first. This post is unrelated to the major one I'm going to do. This is more of a short whine.
I'm fed up of Smell doing nothing with Jaffa cause she's lazy. And I'm not allowed to do anything with him either of I get yelled at and yet she wants to know when she can ride? Er, never at this rate.
Can't wait til I have my own youngster and I can do whatever I want with him.
Had a totally overwhelming urge to SI today, didn't act on it but it was close heh.
Now I'm just procrastinating so yeah..sorry. I need to do this other post *sigh*
Why I feel like I do: Going to post about my past
What I'm going to do about it: Going to actually post.
But first. This post is unrelated to the major one I'm going to do. This is more of a short whine.
I'm fed up of Smell doing nothing with Jaffa cause she's lazy. And I'm not allowed to do anything with him either of I get yelled at and yet she wants to know when she can ride? Er, never at this rate.
Can't wait til I have my own youngster and I can do whatever I want with him.
Had a totally overwhelming urge to SI today, didn't act on it but it was close heh.
Now I'm just procrastinating so yeah..sorry. I need to do this other post *sigh*
Monday, 3 January 2011
w00t
Hey hey!
Today I feel: Kinda anxious but totally okay
Why I feel like I do: Not 100% certain
What I'm going to do about it: Ignore it :]
So, today Mum and I went to look at a horse trailer and we bought it! So excited! I'm hoping that I can get the number of a lady nearby with a school off Rachel and hopefully I'll be able to book some lessons with her and do some more lateral work with Ellie which'll help me with my soon-to-be-baby! It's totally exciting!
I texted Alethea (Arab lady) to ask how well handled Z is and she said he's totally well adjusted to life stabled etc which is brilliant and just what I need! He's even been clipped!
Speaking of horses, Mick's putting the rent up in April so I need to make sure I have a job paying minimum of 20 pounds a week so like..dog walking or something! I'll have to scout about and get hold of Neil and make sure I'm doing this cleaning job cause I don't want to find myself unable to pay for stable rent and whatnot!
Overall I've had a pretty good day, spent most of it with mum just chilling and driving (which made me feel kinda sick lol) but it was good. When we got home I snoozled :P
Right now, I'm kinda dopey and sleepy but like totally excited at the same time and I have a wet foot.. I'm not sure why actually I think there's a puddle under the desk lol.
I'm totally sat on an exercise ball which is awesome fuuuuun :D :D
Right, so now, I am going to browse Pandy's, drop into chat and have a quick read-y poo of The Batman's blog.
1 Day Batman.
Much love to all <3 xx
Today I feel: Kinda anxious but totally okay
Why I feel like I do: Not 100% certain
What I'm going to do about it: Ignore it :]
So, today Mum and I went to look at a horse trailer and we bought it! So excited! I'm hoping that I can get the number of a lady nearby with a school off Rachel and hopefully I'll be able to book some lessons with her and do some more lateral work with Ellie which'll help me with my soon-to-be-baby! It's totally exciting!
I texted Alethea (Arab lady) to ask how well handled Z is and she said he's totally well adjusted to life stabled etc which is brilliant and just what I need! He's even been clipped!
Speaking of horses, Mick's putting the rent up in April so I need to make sure I have a job paying minimum of 20 pounds a week so like..dog walking or something! I'll have to scout about and get hold of Neil and make sure I'm doing this cleaning job cause I don't want to find myself unable to pay for stable rent and whatnot!
Overall I've had a pretty good day, spent most of it with mum just chilling and driving (which made me feel kinda sick lol) but it was good. When we got home I snoozled :P
Right now, I'm kinda dopey and sleepy but like totally excited at the same time and I have a wet foot.. I'm not sure why actually I think there's a puddle under the desk lol.
I'm totally sat on an exercise ball which is awesome fuuuuun :D :D
Right, so now, I am going to browse Pandy's, drop into chat and have a quick read-y poo of The Batman's blog.
1 Day Batman.
Much love to all <3 xx
Sunday, 2 January 2011
Day one of posting everyday!
Today I feel: Questionable.
Why I feel like I do: I'm not entirely certain, I think I'm just tired.
What I'm going to do about it: Go to bed this side of midnight/1 o clock.
Today was largely unexciting, I woke up at 11.30 and read until about 12.45 before having noms and heading to work. I worked from 2-6 and then headed to the yard. I'm debating whether I'm going to put Z on cardboard or straw because the stable is huge so it'll take a lot of bedding either way but in reality..it'll probably be easier to use straw unless I can put some rubber matting down.
Also I need to enquire about buying tendon/hock/knee/overreach boots for Z but I need to see him first to make sure I know what size to get.
Today has overall been kinda uneventful, I had a pretty rough night, some bad dreams mixed in with some flashbacky ones which freaked me out a bit. It's now nearly 11pm and I'm kinda sleepy to be honest.
I felt really urgy are work for a little bit today but I was really proud of myself for distracting myself and refusing to think about it more.
For those of you that know my father they'll know he and I have a...stressful relationship but I'd like to build bridges with him if I can. But I think it's going to have to wait for a little bit I think he's still feeling slightly, er..raw. We had an argument of sorts last night and I don't think he appreciated my point at all.
To sum up a long story, I told him it had to stop and he swore at me and I might've punched him in the nose and broken it slightly...Then today, he grabbed hold of me and I'm pretty sure I rebroke it..oops.
Haven't spoken to Lit'lun for a while, it's hard to get on AIM cause it fries my phone's battery and I can't access it on Dad's computer unless I use Meebo, but then I have it in a new window and I get confused because I end up with a lot of windows open.
I'm not going to pop onto Pandy's, check a few threads, maybe drop into chat and then scoot to bed!
Laters guys, tc x
Why I feel like I do: I'm not entirely certain, I think I'm just tired.
What I'm going to do about it: Go to bed this side of midnight/1 o clock.
Today was largely unexciting, I woke up at 11.30 and read until about 12.45 before having noms and heading to work. I worked from 2-6 and then headed to the yard. I'm debating whether I'm going to put Z on cardboard or straw because the stable is huge so it'll take a lot of bedding either way but in reality..it'll probably be easier to use straw unless I can put some rubber matting down.
Also I need to enquire about buying tendon/hock/knee/overreach boots for Z but I need to see him first to make sure I know what size to get.
Today has overall been kinda uneventful, I had a pretty rough night, some bad dreams mixed in with some flashbacky ones which freaked me out a bit. It's now nearly 11pm and I'm kinda sleepy to be honest.
I felt really urgy are work for a little bit today but I was really proud of myself for distracting myself and refusing to think about it more.
For those of you that know my father they'll know he and I have a...stressful relationship but I'd like to build bridges with him if I can. But I think it's going to have to wait for a little bit I think he's still feeling slightly, er..raw. We had an argument of sorts last night and I don't think he appreciated my point at all.
To sum up a long story, I told him it had to stop and he swore at me and I might've punched him in the nose and broken it slightly...Then today, he grabbed hold of me and I'm pretty sure I rebroke it..oops.
Haven't spoken to Lit'lun for a while, it's hard to get on AIM cause it fries my phone's battery and I can't access it on Dad's computer unless I use Meebo, but then I have it in a new window and I get confused because I end up with a lot of windows open.
I'm not going to pop onto Pandy's, check a few threads, maybe drop into chat and then scoot to bed!
Laters guys, tc x
Saturday, 1 January 2011
New Year.
So, for those of you that speak to me regularly you know my interwebs has been up the spout. Dad played with it and he broke it basically, and it won't be fixed until the 4th at the earliest. Hopefully I'mma get a Dongle on the 3rd though so it'll be irrelevant.
Okay, so Happy New Year to all that read the bloggy.
I wanna post my New Year Reso's...
1. I want to tell my Mother that I used to SI, preferably just before my 3 year anniversary.
2. I want to stop swearing so much!
3. Be healthier and I want to lose weight healthily.
4. I want to learn to trust people more.
5. I've had enough of Dad. (those of you that understand that will know what I mean. It ends now I'm fed up of it.)
6. I want to create a blog for the new horse I'm getting so I can post about our progress. (I'm SO excited to go see him!!!!)
7. I wanna be WAY more organised, I'm going to get a calendar and make a note of the hours I work and how much I get paid, when I pay rent/insurance/feed for Z and whatnot.
8. I want to take up a couple of new hobbies, Archery, Dog agility and I wanna further my flatwork with the horses.
It seems like a lot..but for a year, I think it's pretty good. This year, I'm going to try and post everyday (though I said that before and didn't lol) but I would like to and I want to make it slightly more structured at the beginning, like saying how I feel and WHY, and most importantly, what I'm going to do to change it if I feel negatively. This is gunna be a new start for me, I'm fed up of making the same reso's each year and failing to stick to them. I WANT to achieve this year and I will.
So, down to the nitty gritty.
I've been really struggling with my lack of internet, I didn't realise quite how much I relied on virtual worlds and people online to help me out when I feel bad. I want to change that, because I should be able to cope by myself at least for a little while.
I've been urgy and really triggered lately but that's okay cause I'm not gunna act on it, I wanna throw a couple of my tools away cause I'm past SI now. That part of my life is over and done with.
Been having some awful dreams mixed in with some crazily weird ones, the nightmares have been affecting me when I'm awake quite a bit, but I'll get over that, I want to type a couple of them out when I have a better connection I feel weird doing it on Dad's computer.
Overall though, I feel surprisingly upbeat, I think not having the net has made me re-evaluate somethings and now I know things need to change and I'm actually okay with that.
I think this year is going to be good, I have two jobs right now and another one coming soon and I'm looking forwards to what the year will bring.
I'm most excited by the fact that I'm buying myself my own horse (which is amazing and yet terrifying!!) It will be MY name on his passport and I will have bought him myself...I'm going to see him a week tomorrow and I'm so amazingly scared yet excited it's amazing. He's a one year old, so a baby basically but there is SO much I can do with him on the ground, I want to do some clicker with him and when he turns two I want to walk out with him like I do with the dogs, so he can explore and get to know the world with me without being afraid of it. I want to teach him about responding to me with pressure points and vocal commands. I want to do everything with him that I'm not allowed to do with Jaffa and I'm so excited to have the option to do it. This is going to be a new start for him and a new start for me, I think that is what I'm most excited about and it's going to give me a long-term plan of things to do.
To be frank, it is something to stay alive for.
Now, this year has been awful for the most part, except the part where I met amazing new friends, became a CMIT and most importantly, I found love.
That sounds SO corny, but it's true.
I am IN love. It scares the bejebus out of me, but I like it. There is so much for us to do and I know it is going to take a long time for us to be really okay with each other physically (most of that is my fault) but we're both okay with that.
I know I don't say it a lot Batman, but I love you so so much. I don't know what I ever did without you, you mean the world to me and when I wake up in the morning to see I have a text from you it automatically makes me start the day with a smile regardless of the night I've had. I struggle to do the whole being emotional about things but already that is changing. In 3 days we will have been together a month and I'm so excited for that to have happened. And now because I'm making myself all teary I'm going to go and eat my pudding while watching the end of primevil.
I love you Batman.
I love you Lit'lun and Genesis.
I love all of you who read my blog in one way or another and I hope this year goes as well for you as I hope it does for me. Stay safe and be strong.
Miste, Fish, U or whatever name you know me by. xx <3
Okay, so Happy New Year to all that read the bloggy.
I wanna post my New Year Reso's...
1. I want to tell my Mother that I used to SI, preferably just before my 3 year anniversary.
2. I want to stop swearing so much!
3. Be healthier and I want to lose weight healthily.
4. I want to learn to trust people more.
5. I've had enough of Dad. (those of you that understand that will know what I mean. It ends now I'm fed up of it.)
6. I want to create a blog for the new horse I'm getting so I can post about our progress. (I'm SO excited to go see him!!!!)
7. I wanna be WAY more organised, I'm going to get a calendar and make a note of the hours I work and how much I get paid, when I pay rent/insurance/feed for Z and whatnot.
8. I want to take up a couple of new hobbies, Archery, Dog agility and I wanna further my flatwork with the horses.
It seems like a lot..but for a year, I think it's pretty good. This year, I'm going to try and post everyday (though I said that before and didn't lol) but I would like to and I want to make it slightly more structured at the beginning, like saying how I feel and WHY, and most importantly, what I'm going to do to change it if I feel negatively. This is gunna be a new start for me, I'm fed up of making the same reso's each year and failing to stick to them. I WANT to achieve this year and I will.
So, down to the nitty gritty.
I've been really struggling with my lack of internet, I didn't realise quite how much I relied on virtual worlds and people online to help me out when I feel bad. I want to change that, because I should be able to cope by myself at least for a little while.
I've been urgy and really triggered lately but that's okay cause I'm not gunna act on it, I wanna throw a couple of my tools away cause I'm past SI now. That part of my life is over and done with.
Been having some awful dreams mixed in with some crazily weird ones, the nightmares have been affecting me when I'm awake quite a bit, but I'll get over that, I want to type a couple of them out when I have a better connection I feel weird doing it on Dad's computer.
Overall though, I feel surprisingly upbeat, I think not having the net has made me re-evaluate somethings and now I know things need to change and I'm actually okay with that.
I think this year is going to be good, I have two jobs right now and another one coming soon and I'm looking forwards to what the year will bring.
I'm most excited by the fact that I'm buying myself my own horse (which is amazing and yet terrifying!!) It will be MY name on his passport and I will have bought him myself...I'm going to see him a week tomorrow and I'm so amazingly scared yet excited it's amazing. He's a one year old, so a baby basically but there is SO much I can do with him on the ground, I want to do some clicker with him and when he turns two I want to walk out with him like I do with the dogs, so he can explore and get to know the world with me without being afraid of it. I want to teach him about responding to me with pressure points and vocal commands. I want to do everything with him that I'm not allowed to do with Jaffa and I'm so excited to have the option to do it. This is going to be a new start for him and a new start for me, I think that is what I'm most excited about and it's going to give me a long-term plan of things to do.
To be frank, it is something to stay alive for.
Now, this year has been awful for the most part, except the part where I met amazing new friends, became a CMIT and most importantly, I found love.
That sounds SO corny, but it's true.
I am IN love. It scares the bejebus out of me, but I like it. There is so much for us to do and I know it is going to take a long time for us to be really okay with each other physically (most of that is my fault) but we're both okay with that.
I know I don't say it a lot Batman, but I love you so so much. I don't know what I ever did without you, you mean the world to me and when I wake up in the morning to see I have a text from you it automatically makes me start the day with a smile regardless of the night I've had. I struggle to do the whole being emotional about things but already that is changing. In 3 days we will have been together a month and I'm so excited for that to have happened. And now because I'm making myself all teary I'm going to go and eat my pudding while watching the end of primevil.
I love you Batman.
I love you Lit'lun and Genesis.
I love all of you who read my blog in one way or another and I hope this year goes as well for you as I hope it does for me. Stay safe and be strong.
Miste, Fish, U or whatever name you know me by. xx <3
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