ffs

my internet is on the fritz and its doing my head in.

I love me my Lit'lun.

"If there was a boy like you, I'd date him"

Mwahaha, he'd be epic ;)

Brisingr.

It means Fire!

I finished the book and the Elven language makes me think of Pixie, I'm tempted to write an elemental story w/ Pixie in it...tempting..

Chewsday.

Harly decided that the spelling of Tuesday was incorrect and she's demanding it be spelt Chewsday. So, poor Quinn has had to change the spelling of it on the board because she wouldn't quit crying, bless her lol

Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit

Yes, I know that phrase has been linked with ED's but that isn't the meaning I'm looking at. Well, not entirely.

Before I say anything, I don't want judgement. If you want to judge me, fuck off. To be frank.

I'm 19 years old and I am NOT a typical girl. I don't wear skirts, dress, heels etc. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to. I often see a top/skirt which I think looks amazing but I know I can't wear it. Why? Because of my body. I'm so insecure about it. Society tells us if you aren't thin you aren't good enough. We see models on the cat walk who are simply just bones. We hear the media slamming celebrities when god forbid they gain a quarter of an inch of "fat". And jesus christ don't have a baby because if you haven't lost the baby weight inside of 3 days it is officially the end of the world. I hate how society says we should be.

I hate that I feel under pressure and disgusting and gross because I'm overweight. and yes, I actually am.
I hate that I feel like I *have* to lose weight, regardless of how, but it has to be done quickly.
I hate that people can't accept that someone who is larger than size zero might be happy how they look.
I hate that people look at you in disgust because you aren't a walking skeleton.

Society doesn't dictate what we "should" look like. The media does. Society just fuels their bitchiness. Why should I feel bad for being "bigger"? Why can't I feel comfortable in my own skin?

I'm 19 years old and I loathe myself and my body. I can't stand to look at myself. I detest that I hide in baggy clothes because I don't want people to see me and be disgusted.

I have an ED. I'm anorexic. I'm not proud of it. I'm even less proud of some of the things it makes me do. "ED's are bad", according to society. But the fact it is them that drives thousands upon thousands of people towards them is irrelevant of course. If we weren't shown half naked men and women who are "perfect" and in shape and beautiful all the goddam time, we wouldn't have this much of a problem.

This reminds me of Tyler Durden.
I say, stop being perfect. I say, let's evolve, and let the chips fall where they may.

I hate that I can't accept me as I am until I fit societies idea of perfect.

Nano idea...

Elementals...Holy War..hmmmm

Arya.

She reminds me of Fox.

bewk

I r reading one.

Inheritence.

I've been reading the Inheritence books. Basically, dragons and elves and whatnot.

I love the books and I watched the film again..it was shit. I'm not impressed -.- I was really looking forward to seeing when the 2nd film was coming out. But I don't think I wanna see it now.

So I'mma go finish watching Kids Behind Bars.

Holy bah.

I've not been sleeping particularly well lately at all.

It's impairing my judgement, though I think that's just an excuse for me to do stupid things.

21st

Today is the 21st and I just spent like..2 hours trying to work out the name of a film I wanted to see (it was Gangs of New York)

And now I'm trying to remember the name of my American film teacher cause I wanna see if she has FB or I can drop her an email about various fil-ums.

Bah.

So not coping.

1.2.3.

3.

And yes, Tazzy posted for me last night, so ty to him.

Love ya Tazzy D.

tazzy

cammy arsked me to rite on mummas blog cuz shes hidin insid cuz munday is a bad day and she membad bad stuf and it maked her skared

Firsty!

I am needing juice but we have none.

Hmm. I might have some milk. Hah, no. I might just force myself to drink water instead!

Inner Worlds.

I've been meaning to write this for a long time and having found a post by Izzy on a thread on AMJ (A Mind's Journey) it reminded me! It's weird because our world has changed since Izzy wrote about it. Not drastically, but rooms have been added and various other "props" have been introduced. So, this will probably be long, but I hope it gives you guys a better view of what it's like inside my mind.

Okay, so we'll start in "The Main Room" this is where pretty much everything happens. I see the room as if I've just walked through the door and it's all in front of me. It's a big square room and in one corner is a huge oak tree with a long wide branch which extends to outside. The room is dotted with big squishy sofas and beanbags and currently, multiple blanket forts filled to the brim with cushions. Most of the littles have their favourite spots to be in and they've written their names on their favourite bean bags in various colours. In the corner directly opposite the tree is a large table pushed into the corner and that's where Cassie spends a lot of her time, but she has a beanbag which is outside it which she's been using more often. There is a long hallway off of the main room which leads to "The Meeting Room".

The Meeting Room has a long dark table with chairs surrounding it and this is where the Minders and I talk about various issues. The Pixie's have meetings in here sometimes if the weather (I'll explain that later) is shitty inside.

Off the hallway are other doros which lead to bedrooms of the others. The Minders tend to share with their littles but some of the Minders have two storey rooms, so the littles can have a bit of independence and the Minders some privacy. I can't see inside these rooms and neither can the other alters for the most part. The only time I can see in them is if an alter allows me too. These rooms aren't used too much, most of the time the littles just sleep in The Main Room unless their is an incident then they get shifted to their own rooms.

Outside, the tree leads to a play area built by Bayley which has a long slide down to the ground or alternative a sloping ramp down. The play area is pretty huge and Bayley adds to it a lot. It leads down to a large meadow with short grass which is somewhere the littles play a lot cause the Minders can just sit and watch.

Beyond the short grass is long grass, hip height to me and I'm almost 5ft 7. There are a fair few hidey holes in he long grass, it's been weaved together like a bird nest to make a small place to hide. The Wolves, Cats and Pixies love the long grass cause there are two lines of trees that run down the centre of it and they play games of tag trying to catch the Pixies...so far they've been unsuccessful!

Just beyond the two meadows we have caves which are mostly all dark and this is where the Cats and Wolves go to get away from the others, they use different entrances, both of which are hidden, and they never use the same caves.

Okay, so the weather. The weather internally is usually warm but on occasion if the alter fronting (aka in control) is angry/upset/excited etc the weather *can* change. It doesn't happen often, usually it's only with Cass, Boo and on occasion Sabrae.

This took so much longer to write than it should've cause I'm co-con with Ali and Lik and it makes life harder when you're co-con lol. I hope this has given a better insight into inside!

Bright Lights.

I have a migraine, it's like..dulled from my painkillers, but still annoying enough to hurt like fuck. It seems to fluctuate between "Holy fuck my brain is going to explode" and "nyergh".

Mm, Criminal Minds is triggery as fuck.

Mewsik

I learnt a basic version of greensleeves on piano today! I transfered the song from guitar, cause I'm clever ;)

I'm proud of me!

Weird

Y'know when you drink something hot then inhale and it makes the air super cold? I just did that.

I'm drinking cuppa soup, it's tomato flavour and it's really nice heh

I learn Jessie J's "Nobodys perfect" today and I like it, it's nice.

Time to daaaaahnce.

Cause I'm listening to Glee yo!

And my finger is infected, ew.

It's raining, also ew.

Buzzz

I'mma busy bee today. Or rather, I was.
It's totally tired me out and I just inhaled my tongue eww.

I don't have to be up til 10, wiiiiiiiin! Means I can sleep in <3 And, Ellie can stay out from about 11 til 5ish. I'm not happy about it, but y'know. I'm tempted to put her in the main field with her muzzle on but I worry she might get it off though she never does heh.

Dude, I'm freakin' knackered. Do I want to go to bed? HAHAHAHAHA, no.

*yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn*

I have a super mega sleepy, I'm gunna have to sleep like suuuuuper soon else I'm not gunna be functional tomorrow in the slightest and I can feel Jakey's heartbeat on my right leg and it feels really weird.

Cough

I have one of those super annoying tickly coughs which suck epic amounts.

And my parentals are away so Smell and I are chillin' in the living room, she's on the Xbox playing splintercell with some dude and I'm listening to the Glee music I just downloaded for the second time and it's so very nice. We're both in our jammies with duvets and I have the added bonus of a Jakey on my feets <3

The horses had their jabs today and the vet made me cry cause I'm hormonal and he was being a dick.

Hmm...I got paid today! That was exciting, I apparently got paid from Cleanforce today too. Funsies.

Oopsy Daisy

I fell off May today, oops xD
We were in the school with Lofty and Tia and she had a hissy fit, ducked out left, stopped then jumped left and there is zero neck to hold onto and I met the floor with my back and I've ripped some skin from my finger, owwy :( It was annoying cause she was going well til she had a hissy fit!

I have a new laptop, but my harddrive was wiped from my old laptop. Fortunately I have most of my data but I'm lacking a few pics of the dogs, everything of Zoh and most of the yard stuff...thank FUCK for Facebook!!

Poopded.

I'm so tired lately! I've been in bed before midnight for like 3 days :O

Zoh came in with a gash on his side and he's skinned part of his right hind leg so he was slathered in sudocrem and he seems alright, not lame, not owwy when I poke it (I do that a lot..)

But it was impossibly triggering. Fail.

Oopsy

I missed posting last night cause I was totally shattered! I was in bed at like 11!

Zoh and I had a show yesterday and he was brillianttttttt <3

I rather love him!

He came 4th out of 5 in Youngstock so we have our first ever show rosette! He did really well and I'm proud of my wee boy!

And now I think I'mma nap or at least doze before work. Saying that I really want some tea.

4th

Tis the 4th. Show is on the 5th. Let's hope he behaves himself and actually gets on the trailer -.-

I'm sure all'll be well.

Faaaail.

I missed last nights post cause I went to bed early cause I felt pretty rough. I was actually in bed and asleep before midnight! Proper knackered! < that must be said in a chav like way, btw.

We were meant to be seeing Pat today, but she didn't feel well so we ended up going round the road with Jaff and Zoh instead and they had good fun, then this evening we messed around with a couple of home made jumps which they mostly fell through hahahaha. And I put Zoh's briiiiidle on and he was awesome. It was good heh.

O.o

I hate night shifts. I had one last night hence the not posting.

I plaited Zoh's mane today ^.^ A trellis plait cause he was so hot under it. He stood still for most of it and I'm pretty sure he fell asleep lol. Ellie was in a shit mood cause she'd been in all day, cause Rach did her for me this morning.

It's like 11 o clock and I'm totally fucked. I slept from 9 til 2.30 and I slept like a total log. My limbs have felt really tired...like they feel dizzy. And yes I realise that makes me sound like a total lunatic, but I'm being serious. I've felt really lethargic and dizzy most of the day too. Probably hasn't helped I haven't drunk much.

Oo, sudden nervous energy has given me goosebumps eek