Zoh

He's ever so fluffy :D
And his chest was worse than I thought, but nothing to worry about. And he has the dentist friday. And I can feel my face!

CET: 1250
CBO: 1381
CO: -131
fuckingyes.

The Dentist.

I have to get a filling next week, bah -.-

CET: 1449
CBO: 878
CO: 571

Pubbb

I was at the pub again today with Dave it was fun, we talked and stuff, like y'do.

I have the dentist in the morning.

CET: 1637
CBO: 689
CO: 948

Owwy.

Ellie trod on my ankle bone!
Proper slid down it and ow it hurts! It's swollen and has a big ass bruise coming up!

In other news (I feel like a newsanchor!) Ellie is doing okay and Zoh had a saddle on last night ^.^ He didn't come over to the gate so he didn't come in.

Right now, I'm on a break from Chat Modding at Pandy's. I've got..stuff going on and I can't deal with that on top of everything right now.

I have been emailing the samaritans though, so yay me?

My head is poundinggg. And I have the dentist tomorrow

Bah.

I'm sleepy, what's new?!

This is a dozed in the living room with dad about kinda sleepy, so it's pretty serious!

I have the dentist on Tuesday, both Panda and Mistry O.O

Zo's being spayed on Weds

Dvd day Thurs with my friends <3

I'm actually really excited and Dentist isn't freaking me out THAT much, weird huh?

Bleh

Feeling kinda shitty.
Well a lot shitty.
But I'm tired more than anything.

My head's kinda spinning..lotsa stuff in it I don't want to be there. But I'm so tired I like can't stop it or anything.

I wanna be in bed before midnight..mm.

Dentist in the morning, ew.
My antihistimine is wearing off, depressinggggggg

We watching A nice day for a Greek wedding, I say we, I mean I'm in the living room and it happens to be on.

This song adds to my sleepy.

Bibbity

I had dentist today, thought it was just a check up..yeaaaaaah. I'm now in a fair amount of pain with two metal healing prongs hanging out of my gum, can we say OW?!

I had the beginning of a miiiiiiiiiigraine, fail.

Work was okay today, I don't remember a lot because of the dentist drama less than a half hour beforehand!

I didn't get to go to the yard this evening cause Mum was late home and I was at Pat's at 7 -9.30. I *hate* missing the yard, regardless what for. Even when I was on crutches I still went! It makes me all twitchy and worried about whether they're okay but I know mum's more than capable of looking after them. I can't help it, I'm a worrier!

Erm, I'll post some more of my story in my next post :-)

x

update to my previous update

bhorse is a no go til after christmas, so basically. No.
hawk n lixxie have settled in well

dadssingingandhisvoiceisscaringmefeellikei'mmahaveapanicattack.

dentist on dec 2nd

being yelled at for helping w/ Jaffa
being yelled at for not helping w/ Jaffa
lose:lose.

alford rang, still don't have a job

bought a reindeer w/ a rainbow coloured body, Cassie named him Custard, she got Bay to replicate him inside so she can always have him

riding on monday w/ rachel going on ellie

embers up for sale

uhm...batman's present arrived
needa actually sew together his christmas present

bought some new plecs and some piks

needa tidy bedroom on monday

flashbacky and shit lately
triggered myself w/ part of my nano
if i hit my nano target on time i'mma post my story here in bits but if i don't then i won't

er...body memories suck ass
was sat downstairs and felt something on my back, knew it was his hand and then i skipped the middle of it and just hit me with the worst bit, i actually lifted out of my chair and yelped
hurt

miss you little fish, love you
love you batman, see you soon
hi anyone else reading this
(though i don't think there is anyone else)

fucking hate dad he's eing a shit face
fucking neil diamond he isn't even fucking watching it the stupid fucking tosser

Dentist

I had the dentist on Tuesday. Not my normal dentist or the sedation referral dentist, this is implant dentist.
My normal dentist, Miss, Mistry, is awesome. She talks me through everything, tells me everything, keeps me calm and doesn't mind when I bite her. She's got little hands so she doesn't "invade" my mouth. She helps me feel safe when I'm scared and freaking out and she reminds me that I'm okay.
Sedation referral dentist, the awesome aussies, were awesome. They made me giggle, helped me stay calm..though I imagine the sedation helped. They had amusing accents. They didn't scare me at all, totally laid back and I didn't feel..unsafe. Like I knew I wasn't gunna remember anything but it didn't scare me once I'd met them and it made me happy that they both remembered me.
Implant dentist, Dr. Panda (not his real name, I forget it) is terrifying. He has huge hands, he's constantly prodding around my mouth even when it's not necessary. He doesn't talk to me he talks over my head to my parents. He's loud. He scares me so so much. I don't like him touching me. I don't like how he ignores me. I don't like when he put the mould in my mouth he held my mouth shut instead of asking me to bite down. He stabbed me in the gum with his nail. Through his glove. Even though I yelped and I pushed his hand away he just continued. Don't like him.

But. I have to see him. He's my now current dentist until all of this is over and done with. Which is going to be a while. He doesn't think I need sedation to have him drilling into my jaw bone. For some odd reason I disagree. I'd need sedation with Miss. Mistry to be drilling in my jaw bone! But with him hanging over me being handsy in my mouth? I need a full blown knock out. He WILL have to knock me out else I'll just go somewhere else for my implants. But I can't move now, Mum's all RAHH in my face.

Other than that. I'm getting my material possibly tomorrow, possibly at the weekend for Batman's present. I'm kinda excited to be making it but it's gunna seriously suck.
Lit'lun. I dunno if you've got access to a computer, but I need you to know I love you. You're family and you mean everything to me.
Batman, that goes to you as well. I love you both, seriously. I don't know what I'd do without either of you. Please keep safe. Keep On Keepin' On. Ohana.

I don't know how I've been feeling lately except shitty. The body memories have reall fucked with my head. I tried putting my bracelet back on tonight. It was off inside of a minute. Too heavy too..real.

Cassie spoke yesterday. Said "N" "D" as she signed. She was sat with Quinn. Curled up between her legs holding her hand til she started to sign. She's been doing brilliant lately, she's less freaked out and a lot calmer. She's doesn't want to learn much more sign language at the minute, she prefers to just finger spell because words confuse her.

Luff to all. x

So yeah..

So it's been a while!
So about the system. I have 3 alters fading, Tygo, Oskar and Chase. Ty is almost completely gone now.
Got at least 3 new alters but only one has shown herself. She's a wolf..She's called Sioux. She's pure white apart from a black bandit mask and black tip to her tail. She's just over 3ft 6 as a wolf. In her human form she's 5ft 6 thin but muscular, long ice blonde hair and very dark eyes.
It's a full moon tonight so Wolves, Cats and Bayley have been kicked out the main room. We can't have the wolves fighting in the main room. They've spent most of the night running around the meadow wrestling and brawling. The Cats were down the caves until late yesterday and they're not impressed with the new wolf but because of the tension running between Wolves we can't have the Cats getting angry in the main room so they've been kicked out too. Bayley is a shifter and apparently the moon affects her too, she's been wolfed for most of the evening and she's been largely aggressive which is not like her at all. Fox went out to keep an eye on her because she can move faster than all the Wolves and Cats and she can move Bayley if it is necessary.

Jessica is another new alter that came out once and has since disappeared but she seems to be paying attention to the outside because she gets annoyed with people talking about her. Don't know anything about her.

Final newie is Minnow. That is pretty much all we know about her. My head responds and she's...there we can sense she is there but we don't know anything about her.

So now about the outside world. I had the dentist today my arm fucking hurts. I realise that probably doesn't make much sense but like I had IV Sedation for some filling and I have a bitchin' bruise ¬.¬
Uhm, been stupidly urgey lately. Just really really want to SI and I don't know the reasoning behind it.
* SI TRIGGER WARNING*

Dad made samosa's and had hot oil in the pan and I really really wanted to put my hand in it. Could visualise myself doing it and I could almost feel it. Really really struggled not to do it.

Went riding with Robyn on Sunday with Ellie and Danna. Danna is weird to ride. Tip-toe-y steps.
Going riding tomorrow with Rachel and Mum, should be fun heh.
Been doing some fun stuff with Jaffa lately ^.^ Got him to walk over a tarpaulin, we've rugged him, teaching him about space and not invading it else he gets a jab in the ribs so he moves away, got him stood by the road and a MASSIVE bus went past and made the chhh-ing noise and he kinda flicked his ears towards it but didn't do much else and we put a numnah on his with a surcingle on so he can get used to the feeling of having something around his belly and he didn't give two. He's so so good. I wanna do some more ground work with him but I needa teach Smell to control her temper around him, she's getting to aggressive when he doesn't understand what he is being asked.

For Batman from Izz
You asked for some information about Red, so here it is.
- She was hurt by someone with the first initial J.
- She was hurt first when she was four
- She was hurt by Flux.
- She doesn't understand what happened to her and doesn't know the words that explain it.
- She needs a good hug!
- She was sold a couple of times when she was 8.
- She likes mythology.
- When she relaxes a little she doesn't apologise so often.

Be safe, Izz :)

Laters taters :D

Uh. Yeah.

Uhm, yeah. Dunno whatta say.
Toff's gone. Dead in the field yesterday morning. She was 27. She was fine Monday night Smell barebacked her out, said g'night like always, patted her on the bum and she kissed her too. Said see her tomorrow. Mick called early morning t'say she was dead in the field. Shelley found her like she found Bob. Feel sorry for her. Rach said it wasn't so much grieving over Toff but more grieving for Smell's loss. Smell's heart broken, she has no pets no more, not til we get puppies. Gunna be looking for a newie for her. She wantsa nother Chesnut. Gunna look at rehoming sights, see if we can get a young'un for her. Would like to help her work with a young horse. 5/6 years old I guess. Calm. Quiet. Relaxed. Nothing fizzy. Nothing fine. Not too heavy. Prolly a cob cross. Toff was Arab cross Welshie.
Reckon heartattack, she din't slip cause no signs of her struggling to get up. Never laid down cause she got stuck. El and Twig are lost without her, they walked to where she was found last night. Stood over the post and walked away together. They miss her. Their herd is down by one. Em an Dotty are confused she's not there. Donkeys keep looking for her. She was loved and will be missed.



Boo's been doing well. Kaelyn's in serious trouble. Fox is stressed with the littles. Kaelyn was second in command..now she's below Dougie cause of what happened between her and Flux. Jax was meanta be watching her but Sook and Skye started to fight and then Teeq and Sylva got involved to stop them and Jax hadda stop it. Sabrae helped him. When he got back to Kaelyn she was totally outta control. Flux played with her and she rose to his bait. She hassa regain her status. She's scared and feels lost. Wanna help her but she's gotta do it on her own.

Feel shit. Feel urgy. Feel lower than have felt in a while. Nothing makes me feel better. Need a distraction. Can't stand being in the house all day. Doing nothing. I don't like doing nothing. If I do nothing I can't sleep. Thunder earlier. Now it's raining. Hope there isn't Thunder tonight else I'mma not sleep at all. Hatehatehate Thunder. Loud. Scary. Unpredictable. Music can't drown it out. Window shaking. Dunno how to get through this. Dentist in 4 days. Puppies in 8. Smell breaks up in 6. Scared of going t'dentist. Don't want her hands in my mouth. Don't want her near me. Don't like the smell. The wait. The injections. Hurts. Even if it hurts am not gunna say cause means I havva have nother injection. Scared to be here. To be alive. Don't wanna be. Flashbacks keep taking me off guard. Be fine for ages then suddenly have one. Nightmares are worse than ever. Sleeping less than have for a long time. 2/3 hours at best.

Shouldn't say so much. S'bad.

LoveyouLittleFishforalways.<3