SI.

Today I feel: Drained
Why I feel like I do: I'll explain in a minute!
What I'm going to do about it: Sleep?

Today I met Rachel for the first time having told her about the SI. It was really really awkward to begin with but I know Rach so I relaxed and it was okay to talk about...though I wouldn't really look at her heh. We talked about why I did it...what started it...how long it went on...where...what I did...whether I still have tools...whether I looked afer it...what my thoughts were when I was doing it and the build up to actually doing it...whether I felt it was dangerous...how I distracted myself and whether I'd be able to cope with telling Mum without slipping up...

I really can't be bothered to answer those questions right now, but yeah.

I said SO much about something that is so personal and so secretive that I'm so drained and tired it's unbelievable. I feel so vulnerable and...I'm kinda scared heh. Noone's known that much about one side of me...ever. Freaks me out. I'm so drained I feel really low and actually very urgy heh. I've got an elastic band on and I'm half worried Rach'll see it cause I said I wear them a lot when I'm struggling with urges and stuff.

I'm not impressed that I told her so much...but at the same time I'm glad heh...it's nice to have someone to talk to about it. I kinda think she might be checking my arms or legs or whatever but at the same time I know her well enough that she won't...

I half remember telling her about when Mum came in and caught me mid-SI but I pulled my trouser leg down and could feel it on my leg but I didn't say anything and all I could think was that I needed her to leave...I was pissed I was almost finished my routine and I had to start again.

I spent most of my time staring either straight ahead or to the side, so I'm figuring it was a dissociation, but of the normal kind because I just can't remember a whole hell of a lot.

Uhm...I kinda remember saying that I didn't want anything to change between me and mum but obviously if I tell her it will...and depending on what I say depends on how it'll change...like if I tell her it's over and done with, it's something I did a long time ago then that's wonderful...but if I say that I have tools still and I'm still struggling that's totally different and I don't think I wanna say that to her...

But the thing is...I AM still struggling and right now, having bought it all I'm struggling even more. I've put an elastic band on and when I got home I taped a blade into the back of my phone again (which is something else I told her about, and she understand the need to have it there for comfort...not cause I'mma use it) and I'mma doodle on my arms or something maybe...or I might put a temporary tattoo on my wrist again as a reminder I need to keep myself safe. I have to keep fighting to stay free because if I go back to SI'ing regularly then I'm not going to be able to stop and it's going to be way worse than I was before.

One of the Q's Rach asked made me giggle because although I half expected it I wasn't prepared...
"Doesn't it hurt?"
That's the whole idea heh, I tried to explain it to her and the whole...addiction side of it and I think she understood it okay which is just as well because I was running out of words.

I really do think I dissociated because I can remember trying to say something and finding myself muttering and stopping for long periods of time and just..staring. I'm pretty sure Rach picked up on it but didn't know what it was, if I can I'll mention it tomorrow, but we're riding w/ Cilla so I probably won't be able to mention it unless it rains cause Cilla won't ride if it does.

Ugh, this has taken me SO long to type out because I don't have the energy.

Side note: Zohan passed his vetting, he has two wolf teeth but otherwise he's a-okay. Any other Zohan news, will be posted on his blog, so if you wish to know what I'm doing with the fluffy sod then feel free to friend the blog heh.

Laters guys x