Mm yeah

Gave up emailing Samaritans, they wanted me to go to a Women's Refuge..don't wanna.
KindamaybeOD'dlike3timesrecentlydontbemadplease

Been having crazy bad dreams.
Do have a new alter, Kat/Neyvari..she's...well she's a cat. She's a panther. Uhm yeah.

Boo got scared by Laura and tried to cut my wrists but Cam fought her, got a gash up my arm from the blade she ws holding. Cam managed to get her back into her room, won't let anyone near etc. Going downhill again, won't sleep cause she's scared Laura'll hurt her.

Kaelyn is keeping herself quiet and out of the way.

I'm suicidal. No two ways about it really. Hadda promise Lit'lun I wasn't gunna do anything. And Capt'n Kate cause she'd promised Lit'lun she wasn't gunna lose me.

Uhm..bad stuff. Yeah.

Miss Batman crazy amounts. I talk to him too much I think heh.

Uhm. Need to add Quinn and Kat to new alters and remove Ghost cause we think she's gone. She's not been away for this long and my head feels funny like it does after someone integrates so mm. Stuff.

Ze puppies.

Jake and Zoey are home. They're in their pen in the kitchen. Zo's screaming and Jake is ripping up newspaper..They're a great distraction and the littles love them.

99% sure have a new alter. My head feels like it's been smashed in by a hammer, remarkable painful. I'm hoping they'll do their thing soon so my head can try and recover. Uhm don't even wanna think about why they're here. I know why but I don't wanna think about it.





kindavaguelyremotelypossiblymaybesuicidalbutdontbemadthatisaiditkthx.

emailed samaritans...scared

Ick.

I'm in pain. My wrists hurt a lot. I dunno wtf I've done to them now cept being alive. Got ice on em thas bout all thas gunna work. Putting my supports on hurts them even more.

Riding tomorrow.

So so tired. Slept from 8 - 1 today, thas it heh. Got my prom picture, s'good. Needa call the school tomorrow about leaver's hoodies D:

Sneezy. Seeing the puppies again tomorrow. Looking forward to it, canny wait til we have them home.

Uh. Yeah.

Uhm, yeah. Dunno whatta say.
Toff's gone. Dead in the field yesterday morning. She was 27. She was fine Monday night Smell barebacked her out, said g'night like always, patted her on the bum and she kissed her too. Said see her tomorrow. Mick called early morning t'say she was dead in the field. Shelley found her like she found Bob. Feel sorry for her. Rach said it wasn't so much grieving over Toff but more grieving for Smell's loss. Smell's heart broken, she has no pets no more, not til we get puppies. Gunna be looking for a newie for her. She wantsa nother Chesnut. Gunna look at rehoming sights, see if we can get a young'un for her. Would like to help her work with a young horse. 5/6 years old I guess. Calm. Quiet. Relaxed. Nothing fizzy. Nothing fine. Not too heavy. Prolly a cob cross. Toff was Arab cross Welshie.
Reckon heartattack, she din't slip cause no signs of her struggling to get up. Never laid down cause she got stuck. El and Twig are lost without her, they walked to where she was found last night. Stood over the post and walked away together. They miss her. Their herd is down by one. Em an Dotty are confused she's not there. Donkeys keep looking for her. She was loved and will be missed.



Boo's been doing well. Kaelyn's in serious trouble. Fox is stressed with the littles. Kaelyn was second in command..now she's below Dougie cause of what happened between her and Flux. Jax was meanta be watching her but Sook and Skye started to fight and then Teeq and Sylva got involved to stop them and Jax hadda stop it. Sabrae helped him. When he got back to Kaelyn she was totally outta control. Flux played with her and she rose to his bait. She hassa regain her status. She's scared and feels lost. Wanna help her but she's gotta do it on her own.

Feel shit. Feel urgy. Feel lower than have felt in a while. Nothing makes me feel better. Need a distraction. Can't stand being in the house all day. Doing nothing. I don't like doing nothing. If I do nothing I can't sleep. Thunder earlier. Now it's raining. Hope there isn't Thunder tonight else I'mma not sleep at all. Hatehatehate Thunder. Loud. Scary. Unpredictable. Music can't drown it out. Window shaking. Dunno how to get through this. Dentist in 4 days. Puppies in 8. Smell breaks up in 6. Scared of going t'dentist. Don't want her hands in my mouth. Don't want her near me. Don't like the smell. The wait. The injections. Hurts. Even if it hurts am not gunna say cause means I havva have nother injection. Scared to be here. To be alive. Don't wanna be. Flashbacks keep taking me off guard. Be fine for ages then suddenly have one. Nightmares are worse than ever. Sleeping less than have for a long time. 2/3 hours at best.

Shouldn't say so much. S'bad.

LoveyouLittleFishforalways.<3

Blergh

Gotta new alter. Her name is Quinn...gunna add her to the list. She's...not good. She likes to upset people ><

Uhm..Kaelyn was talking to Flux last night, not good. She cursed him...yeah..not great. Fox is gunna add some stuff about Pixie to the page heh

Uhm..thas it.

Big Fish, Little Fish, Cardboard Box.
Ohana.

My Flashback. *GRAPHIC SA warning*

I've been having this flashback a lot and it's scaring me, so I'm going to try and lower the scare value by typing it up. It might not make sense and be all over the place but it will be triggery. It may also not be in chronological order..sorry!

GRAPHIC SA. Please be safe.




It's a memory from when I was little, 7, and it involves my neighbour who I will call B and father who will probably become Daddy.

I can feel him holding my wrists directly above my head, tight, they're crossed so he only has to use one hand. I'm naked and I have my eyes screwed shut. He has a tshirt on, green with a logo over the left breast, a normal polo shirt. His jeans and belt are on the floor with my clothes. It's almost a still image except I can feel his hand on the inside of my leg. He's looking down at me, watching me. When I open my eyes he looks straight at me and says "It's only gunna get better".

It doesn't hurt as much as it used to, not unless he's really rough. During one particularly loud attack in which I screamed for him to stop. Told him it hurt. Told him no. Daddy must've heard and came upstairs. When D finished and looked up he saw Daddy in the doorway and panicked. He pulled out really fast and made me bleed, made me cry. Daddy told me to shut up, told D he was proud of him. Told him he was a real man, that he was proud he didn't let anything stand in the way of what he wanted. Told him how to hurt me best and how to force me to make it better for him. Told D it was our secret that no-one had to know.

D had tied my hands up, tied them to my bed and tied my ankles to the other end so he didn't have to fight me to open my legs. Daddy gave him a vibrator told him to use it at the same time as he hurt me. Hurt twice as a bad as he did. He laughed when D made me bleed, made me cry. Daddy showed him how to force me to open my mouth without leaving a mark on my face. D learnt how to make me give him oral. Choked cause he put too much in, couldn't breathe, could move my head cause of where he was, couldn't push him away cause hands were tied. Passed out. Daddy showed him how to do it properly, little bit at a time. In out. Push all the way in and hold it til I started to black out then pull out again. D found it more fun than sex.

D tied me face down. Daddy stood watching with no trousers on. D pushed vibrator into me and forced himself in. Felt my insides ripping. Bleeding. Screamed cause it hurt and Daddy told him to be rough. Make it hurt. Pain made it better. Could sit down properly for long time.

D and I laying in bed. Had my back to him. Slid his hand down my back from my neck to my bum, pushed hand down my trousers. Pulled away told him no. D said Mummy wouldn't love me no more if I didn't let him. Pulled me back into bed. Put his hands down my trousers and touched me. Pushed fingers inside me. Hurt. Pulled back. Cried.

D lay on bed. Daddy forced me onto him. Tied up. Daddy climbed on both of us. Daddy was bigger than B. Made me scream louder than before. Daddy put his hand of my mouth to stop me. Cried.

Wanted Mummy to know but wanted her to still love me. Wanted Daddy to love me like had before. Wanted someone to know. Wanted someone to care enough to find out why I wouldn't let anyone touch me. Why I got scared if I had to sit between two boys. Just wanted someone to care.

eh

Keep regressing..don't remember anything when I come back. Just remember a vivid terrifying flashback nothing else. Not sure what's happening..think it might be Boo.
Might try and write up the flashback/nightmare tomorrow if I remember.

Finished school completely. Leavers was awesome. Hadda beer though wasn't so much by choice was Echo and I'd paid for it and didn't wanna waste it so I drunk the last quater while dancing. An my friend offered me half a warm beer so I hadda slurp and gave it back to her and it got passed around various people til Miles danced away with it.

Listening to "Stand my ground" by Within temptation.

Saw puppies today, they've grown, got some pictures but they move so much its hard to get a good picture.

Gunna go sleep.

Sorry Little Fish and Batman. Sorry am no good.