Haven't posted in forever.

So yeah, haven't posted in a bit.

Alter-wise: Jess and Minnow have integrated and Oasys has shown herself and Izzy's looking after her.

Err....Boo's SI'ing when she's out again.

Me-wise: Batman came down and it was awesome.
Helped me feel more relaxed and stuff and didn't dissociate except once when Bayley came out to chew a lid. Was weird having safe touch kept half expecting it to turn to something else but it didn't.
I even slept, admittedly on the floor, but it was freakin' comfy and I was wiped! Riding was fun, Batman was on Moose who kept bouncing away at speed and I was on Danna who was having a traffic freak out day.

Uhm...
I finished Nano!! But my novel isn't actually finished yet lol.

Oh, I'mma CMIT on Pandy's now. So I'm in training and we hadda training exercise today which was weird but easier than I expected.

The cold weather sucks ass. It's like -2 and snowing and Dad's making me walk to the yard tomorrow -.- Kinda hoping we get lotsa snow so Mum doesn't have work and she can give us a lift up there.

I'm hoping to get this carer job so I can get Zohan, I wanna go up and visit him so I might ask if Rach/Nina will come up with me and Mum to see him.

So tired right now I'm tempted to go to bed now but I can't be bothered to move cause I'm finally warm, and I really wanna cuppa tea.

Also! Batman loved FrankenBunny which was awesome took me ages to make him and I kept stabbing myself! Glad he liked it took a lotta work and stuff so yeah.

I read my garfield book, made us smile and giggle.

Love you Lit'lun, super mega loads <3xxxx
Love you Batman, super mega loads <3xxxx

update to my previous update

bhorse is a no go til after christmas, so basically. No.
hawk n lixxie have settled in well

dadssingingandhisvoiceisscaringmefeellikei'mmahaveapanicattack.

dentist on dec 2nd

being yelled at for helping w/ Jaffa
being yelled at for not helping w/ Jaffa
lose:lose.

alford rang, still don't have a job

bought a reindeer w/ a rainbow coloured body, Cassie named him Custard, she got Bay to replicate him inside so she can always have him

riding on monday w/ rachel going on ellie

embers up for sale

uhm...batman's present arrived
needa actually sew together his christmas present

bought some new plecs and some piks

needa tidy bedroom on monday

flashbacky and shit lately
triggered myself w/ part of my nano
if i hit my nano target on time i'mma post my story here in bits but if i don't then i won't

er...body memories suck ass
was sat downstairs and felt something on my back, knew it was his hand and then i skipped the middle of it and just hit me with the worst bit, i actually lifted out of my chair and yelped
hurt

miss you little fish, love you
love you batman, see you soon
hi anyone else reading this
(though i don't think there is anyone else)

fucking hate dad he's eing a shit face
fucking neil diamond he isn't even fucking watching it the stupid fucking tosser

Updaaaate.

So there are two new alters. A set of boy/girl twins. Hawk and Elixyr.
They are both shifters, which would explain why my Nano story is about shifters..
Hawk is crazy. He likes to make weird noises and although he and his sister look similar they are totally different. As the name mentions Hawk has a 'hawk! It's epic. I kinda love it.

Elixyr, or Lixxie, is just as crazy as Hawk but in a different way...she has a kinda long faux hawk which is like...zebra striped. It's hard to explain. I wish I could just take a picture -.-
Lixxie likes to play with sharp stuff, which I'm not looking forward too.

I will eventually add the to the Adults list, I'm just lazy!

They're both 12 so technically not littles, so they don't have a minder. That said, Cam has agreed to help keep them under some of control lol...good luck Cam!

Aside from alters, I have been doing NaNoWriMo this year and to date have just over 7k words, which I'm remarkably proud of tbh. When the story is done I might post it on here in a couple of segments because you know...50K is waaaay too much for one post! But yes, I'm totally enjoying the challenge!

I might also be getting myself a youngster, a 2 year old arab cross is ideally what I'm looking for, I have a place I can keep it and Rach said she'd help me out w/ buying it because she knows I'll pay her back and she said she is comfident in my ability to bring a youngster on! I'm so freakin' excited!
I've always wanted to bring on a youngster and then we got Jaffa and then it was a case of I'm not allowed to work with him it's Smell's horse not mine etc etc. So my life long dream is sitting in the yard doing shit all because Smell doesn't know what she is doing!
ANYHOW!
Rach is gunna put me up for this part time job cleaning a toilet for 25 squid! It's like a half hour job, SCORE! And I'm gunna see about doing some cleaning in the evenings at schools, so I'mma head down to Cavi and see if they need anyone to help clean up and I'll scoot over to GV while I'm there.

Headed to go sort Batman's prezzie tomorrow cause what I originally wanted may or may not be possible, but I'm really looking forward to doing this! I'd say more, but he reads my blog! (Hey Batman :D)
On the subject of Batman, I'm so excited he's coming down soon, it'sa be awesome! But I need to tidy my room -.- it's a tip and like a three day job lol it's actually horrific, I kinda need to get Pig's hutch out of my room, but I kinda don't wanna cause I don't think I'm totally ready to like let him go so to speak yet.

Note to self: Get a picture frame from Wilko's like the one Rach got for my birthday. I wanna get 2 and put a pic of Spud in one and one of my awesome pics of Jakey in the other and get Dad to hang them in my room ^.^

So yeah...stuff actually seems to be going right for once in my life. I hope it lasts, I like the feeling!

Love you Lit'lun, I hope your midterms go awesommmmmmmme and I hope kitty is okay too! :D <3
Love you Batmanicus, you are the only super hero for me. <3

Laters taters <3

Halloweeeeeeen!

Now, we all know kids love Halloween, so a head full of littles makes for an exciting time!
I decided to make of a list of who is what!
So!

The Littles:
Harly - A fairy. Typically pink, tutu, wings, wand.
Coogar - A flower. A blue one with her face painted yellow.
Cassilyn - A hamster. Quinn painted her face and stuck whiskers on her ^.^
Butterfly - Funnily enough she's a...Bee. Yeah, I don't get it either.
Kelly and Kasey - Thing 1 and Thing 2
Bayley - A Wizard with an awesome pointy hat.
Dorry - A spider :D
Shaya - A witch
Salix - A bunny
Dot and Dash - Milk and Cookie
Taylor - Jessie from Toy Story
Taz - Tazzy Devil!
Lorelei - A soldier
Boo - A pirate

The Pixies:
Dougie, Switcher, Kaelyn, Foxa, Jaxal - A chain gang!
Sabrae - Chain gang leader

The Adults/Minders:
Tommy - Voldemort
Tony - Buzz Lightyear
Isabella - A firework
Quinn - The Joker
Alix - A bunny to match Salix's
Fernando - A soldier to match Lorelei's
Zephyr - Dumble-Door. A door w/ "dumble" written on it.
Camryn - Cleopatra
Calleigh - A butterfly
Newt - A feather boa
Echo - A "sexy" devil -.-
Boy - Zorro
Charlie - Sully from Monsters Inc

The Others:
Teeq - A Fish
Sook - A Pumpkin
Neyvari - Skeleton

Sylva (human) - Grim Reaper
Skye (human) - Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast
Sioux (human) - Dracula.

The main room has been altered. It's all black with skeletons and bats hanging around with glow-in-the-dark stars everywhere. Along w/ florescent hand prints from each alter and/or paw prints with their names written underneath. The tree has been decorated and painted with dangling things and bats and all sorts. The room has been split into areas with two or three minders leading the groups of littles and the other minders have set up areas where they are doing trick or treating for the littles. It's pretty awesome and children scary :P

They're organising pumpkin's for the littles to carve and they're gunna have a party with punch and allsorts. It'sa be awesomeeeeeeee!

Happy Halloween everyone!

Dentist

I had the dentist on Tuesday. Not my normal dentist or the sedation referral dentist, this is implant dentist.
My normal dentist, Miss, Mistry, is awesome. She talks me through everything, tells me everything, keeps me calm and doesn't mind when I bite her. She's got little hands so she doesn't "invade" my mouth. She helps me feel safe when I'm scared and freaking out and she reminds me that I'm okay.
Sedation referral dentist, the awesome aussies, were awesome. They made me giggle, helped me stay calm..though I imagine the sedation helped. They had amusing accents. They didn't scare me at all, totally laid back and I didn't feel..unsafe. Like I knew I wasn't gunna remember anything but it didn't scare me once I'd met them and it made me happy that they both remembered me.
Implant dentist, Dr. Panda (not his real name, I forget it) is terrifying. He has huge hands, he's constantly prodding around my mouth even when it's not necessary. He doesn't talk to me he talks over my head to my parents. He's loud. He scares me so so much. I don't like him touching me. I don't like how he ignores me. I don't like when he put the mould in my mouth he held my mouth shut instead of asking me to bite down. He stabbed me in the gum with his nail. Through his glove. Even though I yelped and I pushed his hand away he just continued. Don't like him.

But. I have to see him. He's my now current dentist until all of this is over and done with. Which is going to be a while. He doesn't think I need sedation to have him drilling into my jaw bone. For some odd reason I disagree. I'd need sedation with Miss. Mistry to be drilling in my jaw bone! But with him hanging over me being handsy in my mouth? I need a full blown knock out. He WILL have to knock me out else I'll just go somewhere else for my implants. But I can't move now, Mum's all RAHH in my face.

Other than that. I'm getting my material possibly tomorrow, possibly at the weekend for Batman's present. I'm kinda excited to be making it but it's gunna seriously suck.
Lit'lun. I dunno if you've got access to a computer, but I need you to know I love you. You're family and you mean everything to me.
Batman, that goes to you as well. I love you both, seriously. I don't know what I'd do without either of you. Please keep safe. Keep On Keepin' On. Ohana.

I don't know how I've been feeling lately except shitty. The body memories have reall fucked with my head. I tried putting my bracelet back on tonight. It was off inside of a minute. Too heavy too..real.

Cassie spoke yesterday. Said "N" "D" as she signed. She was sat with Quinn. Curled up between her legs holding her hand til she started to sign. She's been doing brilliant lately, she's less freaked out and a lot calmer. She's doesn't want to learn much more sign language at the minute, she prefers to just finger spell because words confuse her.

Luff to all. x

body memories

body memories
tryna convince myself isnt real
tryna convince myself is just in my head
scared
can feel him holding my wrists
can feel him behind me
feel him on my chest holding me
feelhiminside
throatssore
chestssore
wristssore
insidessore
dont know if pains are real pains or memory pains
keeps switching
different pains
different places
dunno how much more can take before i break


"But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside."

m'sorry

m'sorry i can't do as i'm told
m'sorry i said no
m'sorry i thought i could be okay
m'sorry i pretended
m'sorry i cried
m'sorry i couldn't be good enough
m'sorry i can't be what you want me to be
m'sorry i can't do what you want me too
m'sorry i wanna hurt myself
m'sorry i keep trying
m'sorry i ignored you
m'sorry i didn't listen
m'sorry
m'sorry
m'sorry