Today I feel: In pain
Why I feel like I do: Cause Oasys SI'd
What I'm going to do about it: Nothing I can do.
So I've just been called into work for an emergency so I'm doing this early, but fortunately I have the chance to eat and I'm about to bail in the shower so I can deal with my leg.
I need to deal with Oasys cause she's injured my leg quite badly which is in a very awkward place. Riding today was interesting cause it rubbed against the saddle.
I need the money so I can't really say no and it's an emergency soooo I have to, and I'll take my phone which is charging, my lappy so I can get some writing done hopefully watch Inception.
And with that I need to bail. Take care.
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Wednesday, 5 January 2011
Bonsoir.
Today I feel: In a bitta pain
Why I feel like I do: Cause I facebutted a metal chair arm and body memories
What I'm going to do about it: Take painkillers?
First off, I want to say Rest In Peace to little Woody who died today. He was a happy little terrier and he'll be missed like crazy.
So, I'm finally back up on my computer! I have this funky little doohicky that flashes blue which is boosting my internet so I can stay connected finally!!
I got my calendar today so I'm all organised and it's wonderful.
Only 3 days til I go and see Zohan, I'm so excited. I might drop Helen a line and ask her if she wants to come up with me even though she's more of a furry beastie lover rather than the fine ones that I'm looking at. I'll drop her a line tomorrow if I remember!
After having written up about T yesterday I've found myself struggling with body memories and I've managed to split my lip which is actually quite painful and probably doesn't help I keep poking it..
I need to shower tomorrow which should help but I'm still struggling wuite a bit but it'll get better.
And now I've run outta tings to say, soooo laters lol.
Hugs to all, love ya and take care!
<3
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
*DV/R WARNING*
This may well be triggering so PLEASE take care of yourselves when reading. Thanks.
I was with T for a year about 2 years ago. We were good friends for a couple of years before we got together, we lived near each other and we knew each other from school. He was the first person I properly loved and trusted him so much. Our relationship started out pretty well but soon descended into a one sided relationship, he started to get abusive and I thought it'd get better. H started to scare me and threaten me if I didn't do what he was telling me.
We went out with some of his friends and I told him I had to get home by a certain time and he told me I could leave when he gave me permission but I brushed him off and left and he back handed me in front of his friends leaving me with a bleeding nose and a split lip. I told him it was over. He apologised profusely and rang me repeatedly til I forgave him.
Started out okayish but quickly when bad again. He was pressuring me for sex but I wasn't ready and told him no. He knew about my past but used it against me. He got fed up of me saying no and finally forced me to give him oral sex and left me in his room. It became regular, me going round to his house and him forcing me to pleasure him before he apologised and then he got mad at me. We'd been back together about 5 months and he pinned me to his bed and raped me.
He used to hit my body and legs so that nobody could see the bruises and he would rarely lash out at my face because he didn't want people to ask questions. While all this with him was going on, I was still living at home with my abusive father.
I had a couple of issues at home and his mum let me move in but she ended up going away because her mother was ill. We were alone for about a week and a half. He forced me to pleasure him, tied me to his bed and raped me then invited his friends round. There were 5 of them and they all raped me every day for 4 days. He finally untied me but wouldn't let me out the house. I got to the point where I gathered enough courage to leave him a final time and moved back home when his mum got back home. When I told him it was over he lashed out at me and split my lip so I returned home bleeding.
He apologised liked crazy again and said it wouldn't happen again and whatnot, when I refused he shouted at me so I hung up the phone. He emailed me telling me he would kill himself if I didn't come back to him and I told him no again.
The next call I got was from his mum telling me he had been found hanging in his room with a note basically blaming me for his death and saying he couldn't live without me. I went to his funeral because his mum wanted me there, she used to ring me a lot until I broke down and told her what her "perfect and charming" son had done to me. She called me a lying whore among things and hasn't spoken to me since.
Okay so to sum up WHY I've written this all out it is because I told Batman and it's all fresh in my mind.
I needed him to understand exactly why I'm so anti-touch and so not prepared to trust him physically and I really hope it helped. I loved T once but he never really loved me back. But now I love Batman and I know he loves me back.
One month together Mr Batman and it's been an awesome month.
Je t'aime.
<3
I was with T for a year about 2 years ago. We were good friends for a couple of years before we got together, we lived near each other and we knew each other from school. He was the first person I properly loved and trusted him so much. Our relationship started out pretty well but soon descended into a one sided relationship, he started to get abusive and I thought it'd get better. H started to scare me and threaten me if I didn't do what he was telling me.
We went out with some of his friends and I told him I had to get home by a certain time and he told me I could leave when he gave me permission but I brushed him off and left and he back handed me in front of his friends leaving me with a bleeding nose and a split lip. I told him it was over. He apologised profusely and rang me repeatedly til I forgave him.
Started out okayish but quickly when bad again. He was pressuring me for sex but I wasn't ready and told him no. He knew about my past but used it against me. He got fed up of me saying no and finally forced me to give him oral sex and left me in his room. It became regular, me going round to his house and him forcing me to pleasure him before he apologised and then he got mad at me. We'd been back together about 5 months and he pinned me to his bed and raped me.
He used to hit my body and legs so that nobody could see the bruises and he would rarely lash out at my face because he didn't want people to ask questions. While all this with him was going on, I was still living at home with my abusive father.
I had a couple of issues at home and his mum let me move in but she ended up going away because her mother was ill. We were alone for about a week and a half. He forced me to pleasure him, tied me to his bed and raped me then invited his friends round. There were 5 of them and they all raped me every day for 4 days. He finally untied me but wouldn't let me out the house. I got to the point where I gathered enough courage to leave him a final time and moved back home when his mum got back home. When I told him it was over he lashed out at me and split my lip so I returned home bleeding.
He apologised liked crazy again and said it wouldn't happen again and whatnot, when I refused he shouted at me so I hung up the phone. He emailed me telling me he would kill himself if I didn't come back to him and I told him no again.
The next call I got was from his mum telling me he had been found hanging in his room with a note basically blaming me for his death and saying he couldn't live without me. I went to his funeral because his mum wanted me there, she used to ring me a lot until I broke down and told her what her "perfect and charming" son had done to me. She called me a lying whore among things and hasn't spoken to me since.
Okay so to sum up WHY I've written this all out it is because I told Batman and it's all fresh in my mind.
I needed him to understand exactly why I'm so anti-touch and so not prepared to trust him physically and I really hope it helped. I loved T once but he never really loved me back. But now I love Batman and I know he loves me back.
One month together Mr Batman and it's been an awesome month.
Je t'aime.
<3
An important post.
Today I feel: Twitchy
Why I feel like I do: Going to post about my past
What I'm going to do about it: Going to actually post.
But first. This post is unrelated to the major one I'm going to do. This is more of a short whine.
I'm fed up of Smell doing nothing with Jaffa cause she's lazy. And I'm not allowed to do anything with him either of I get yelled at and yet she wants to know when she can ride? Er, never at this rate.
Can't wait til I have my own youngster and I can do whatever I want with him.
Had a totally overwhelming urge to SI today, didn't act on it but it was close heh.
Now I'm just procrastinating so yeah..sorry. I need to do this other post *sigh*
Why I feel like I do: Going to post about my past
What I'm going to do about it: Going to actually post.
But first. This post is unrelated to the major one I'm going to do. This is more of a short whine.
I'm fed up of Smell doing nothing with Jaffa cause she's lazy. And I'm not allowed to do anything with him either of I get yelled at and yet she wants to know when she can ride? Er, never at this rate.
Can't wait til I have my own youngster and I can do whatever I want with him.
Had a totally overwhelming urge to SI today, didn't act on it but it was close heh.
Now I'm just procrastinating so yeah..sorry. I need to do this other post *sigh*
Monday, 3 January 2011
w00t
Hey hey!
Today I feel: Kinda anxious but totally okay
Why I feel like I do: Not 100% certain
What I'm going to do about it: Ignore it :]
So, today Mum and I went to look at a horse trailer and we bought it! So excited! I'm hoping that I can get the number of a lady nearby with a school off Rachel and hopefully I'll be able to book some lessons with her and do some more lateral work with Ellie which'll help me with my soon-to-be-baby! It's totally exciting!
I texted Alethea (Arab lady) to ask how well handled Z is and she said he's totally well adjusted to life stabled etc which is brilliant and just what I need! He's even been clipped!
Speaking of horses, Mick's putting the rent up in April so I need to make sure I have a job paying minimum of 20 pounds a week so like..dog walking or something! I'll have to scout about and get hold of Neil and make sure I'm doing this cleaning job cause I don't want to find myself unable to pay for stable rent and whatnot!
Overall I've had a pretty good day, spent most of it with mum just chilling and driving (which made me feel kinda sick lol) but it was good. When we got home I snoozled :P
Right now, I'm kinda dopey and sleepy but like totally excited at the same time and I have a wet foot.. I'm not sure why actually I think there's a puddle under the desk lol.
I'm totally sat on an exercise ball which is awesome fuuuuun :D :D
Right, so now, I am going to browse Pandy's, drop into chat and have a quick read-y poo of The Batman's blog.
1 Day Batman.
Much love to all <3 xx
Today I feel: Kinda anxious but totally okay
Why I feel like I do: Not 100% certain
What I'm going to do about it: Ignore it :]
So, today Mum and I went to look at a horse trailer and we bought it! So excited! I'm hoping that I can get the number of a lady nearby with a school off Rachel and hopefully I'll be able to book some lessons with her and do some more lateral work with Ellie which'll help me with my soon-to-be-baby! It's totally exciting!
I texted Alethea (Arab lady) to ask how well handled Z is and she said he's totally well adjusted to life stabled etc which is brilliant and just what I need! He's even been clipped!
Speaking of horses, Mick's putting the rent up in April so I need to make sure I have a job paying minimum of 20 pounds a week so like..dog walking or something! I'll have to scout about and get hold of Neil and make sure I'm doing this cleaning job cause I don't want to find myself unable to pay for stable rent and whatnot!
Overall I've had a pretty good day, spent most of it with mum just chilling and driving (which made me feel kinda sick lol) but it was good. When we got home I snoozled :P
Right now, I'm kinda dopey and sleepy but like totally excited at the same time and I have a wet foot.. I'm not sure why actually I think there's a puddle under the desk lol.
I'm totally sat on an exercise ball which is awesome fuuuuun :D :D
Right, so now, I am going to browse Pandy's, drop into chat and have a quick read-y poo of The Batman's blog.
1 Day Batman.
Much love to all <3 xx
Sunday, 2 January 2011
Day one of posting everyday!
Today I feel: Questionable.
Why I feel like I do: I'm not entirely certain, I think I'm just tired.
What I'm going to do about it: Go to bed this side of midnight/1 o clock.
Today was largely unexciting, I woke up at 11.30 and read until about 12.45 before having noms and heading to work. I worked from 2-6 and then headed to the yard. I'm debating whether I'm going to put Z on cardboard or straw because the stable is huge so it'll take a lot of bedding either way but in reality..it'll probably be easier to use straw unless I can put some rubber matting down.
Also I need to enquire about buying tendon/hock/knee/overreach boots for Z but I need to see him first to make sure I know what size to get.
Today has overall been kinda uneventful, I had a pretty rough night, some bad dreams mixed in with some flashbacky ones which freaked me out a bit. It's now nearly 11pm and I'm kinda sleepy to be honest.
I felt really urgy are work for a little bit today but I was really proud of myself for distracting myself and refusing to think about it more.
For those of you that know my father they'll know he and I have a...stressful relationship but I'd like to build bridges with him if I can. But I think it's going to have to wait for a little bit I think he's still feeling slightly, er..raw. We had an argument of sorts last night and I don't think he appreciated my point at all.
To sum up a long story, I told him it had to stop and he swore at me and I might've punched him in the nose and broken it slightly...Then today, he grabbed hold of me and I'm pretty sure I rebroke it..oops.
Haven't spoken to Lit'lun for a while, it's hard to get on AIM cause it fries my phone's battery and I can't access it on Dad's computer unless I use Meebo, but then I have it in a new window and I get confused because I end up with a lot of windows open.
I'm not going to pop onto Pandy's, check a few threads, maybe drop into chat and then scoot to bed!
Laters guys, tc x
Why I feel like I do: I'm not entirely certain, I think I'm just tired.
What I'm going to do about it: Go to bed this side of midnight/1 o clock.
Today was largely unexciting, I woke up at 11.30 and read until about 12.45 before having noms and heading to work. I worked from 2-6 and then headed to the yard. I'm debating whether I'm going to put Z on cardboard or straw because the stable is huge so it'll take a lot of bedding either way but in reality..it'll probably be easier to use straw unless I can put some rubber matting down.
Also I need to enquire about buying tendon/hock/knee/overreach boots for Z but I need to see him first to make sure I know what size to get.
Today has overall been kinda uneventful, I had a pretty rough night, some bad dreams mixed in with some flashbacky ones which freaked me out a bit. It's now nearly 11pm and I'm kinda sleepy to be honest.
I felt really urgy are work for a little bit today but I was really proud of myself for distracting myself and refusing to think about it more.
For those of you that know my father they'll know he and I have a...stressful relationship but I'd like to build bridges with him if I can. But I think it's going to have to wait for a little bit I think he's still feeling slightly, er..raw. We had an argument of sorts last night and I don't think he appreciated my point at all.
To sum up a long story, I told him it had to stop and he swore at me and I might've punched him in the nose and broken it slightly...Then today, he grabbed hold of me and I'm pretty sure I rebroke it..oops.
Haven't spoken to Lit'lun for a while, it's hard to get on AIM cause it fries my phone's battery and I can't access it on Dad's computer unless I use Meebo, but then I have it in a new window and I get confused because I end up with a lot of windows open.
I'm not going to pop onto Pandy's, check a few threads, maybe drop into chat and then scoot to bed!
Laters guys, tc x
Saturday, 1 January 2011
New Year.
So, for those of you that speak to me regularly you know my interwebs has been up the spout. Dad played with it and he broke it basically, and it won't be fixed until the 4th at the earliest. Hopefully I'mma get a Dongle on the 3rd though so it'll be irrelevant.
Okay, so Happy New Year to all that read the bloggy.
I wanna post my New Year Reso's...
1. I want to tell my Mother that I used to SI, preferably just before my 3 year anniversary.
2. I want to stop swearing so much!
3. Be healthier and I want to lose weight healthily.
4. I want to learn to trust people more.
5. I've had enough of Dad. (those of you that understand that will know what I mean. It ends now I'm fed up of it.)
6. I want to create a blog for the new horse I'm getting so I can post about our progress. (I'm SO excited to go see him!!!!)
7. I wanna be WAY more organised, I'm going to get a calendar and make a note of the hours I work and how much I get paid, when I pay rent/insurance/feed for Z and whatnot.
8. I want to take up a couple of new hobbies, Archery, Dog agility and I wanna further my flatwork with the horses.
It seems like a lot..but for a year, I think it's pretty good. This year, I'm going to try and post everyday (though I said that before and didn't lol) but I would like to and I want to make it slightly more structured at the beginning, like saying how I feel and WHY, and most importantly, what I'm going to do to change it if I feel negatively. This is gunna be a new start for me, I'm fed up of making the same reso's each year and failing to stick to them. I WANT to achieve this year and I will.
So, down to the nitty gritty.
I've been really struggling with my lack of internet, I didn't realise quite how much I relied on virtual worlds and people online to help me out when I feel bad. I want to change that, because I should be able to cope by myself at least for a little while.
I've been urgy and really triggered lately but that's okay cause I'm not gunna act on it, I wanna throw a couple of my tools away cause I'm past SI now. That part of my life is over and done with.
Been having some awful dreams mixed in with some crazily weird ones, the nightmares have been affecting me when I'm awake quite a bit, but I'll get over that, I want to type a couple of them out when I have a better connection I feel weird doing it on Dad's computer.
Overall though, I feel surprisingly upbeat, I think not having the net has made me re-evaluate somethings and now I know things need to change and I'm actually okay with that.
I think this year is going to be good, I have two jobs right now and another one coming soon and I'm looking forwards to what the year will bring.
I'm most excited by the fact that I'm buying myself my own horse (which is amazing and yet terrifying!!) It will be MY name on his passport and I will have bought him myself...I'm going to see him a week tomorrow and I'm so amazingly scared yet excited it's amazing. He's a one year old, so a baby basically but there is SO much I can do with him on the ground, I want to do some clicker with him and when he turns two I want to walk out with him like I do with the dogs, so he can explore and get to know the world with me without being afraid of it. I want to teach him about responding to me with pressure points and vocal commands. I want to do everything with him that I'm not allowed to do with Jaffa and I'm so excited to have the option to do it. This is going to be a new start for him and a new start for me, I think that is what I'm most excited about and it's going to give me a long-term plan of things to do.
To be frank, it is something to stay alive for.
Now, this year has been awful for the most part, except the part where I met amazing new friends, became a CMIT and most importantly, I found love.
That sounds SO corny, but it's true.
I am IN love. It scares the bejebus out of me, but I like it. There is so much for us to do and I know it is going to take a long time for us to be really okay with each other physically (most of that is my fault) but we're both okay with that.
I know I don't say it a lot Batman, but I love you so so much. I don't know what I ever did without you, you mean the world to me and when I wake up in the morning to see I have a text from you it automatically makes me start the day with a smile regardless of the night I've had. I struggle to do the whole being emotional about things but already that is changing. In 3 days we will have been together a month and I'm so excited for that to have happened. And now because I'm making myself all teary I'm going to go and eat my pudding while watching the end of primevil.
I love you Batman.
I love you Lit'lun and Genesis.
I love all of you who read my blog in one way or another and I hope this year goes as well for you as I hope it does for me. Stay safe and be strong.
Miste, Fish, U or whatever name you know me by. xx <3
Okay, so Happy New Year to all that read the bloggy.
I wanna post my New Year Reso's...
1. I want to tell my Mother that I used to SI, preferably just before my 3 year anniversary.
2. I want to stop swearing so much!
3. Be healthier and I want to lose weight healthily.
4. I want to learn to trust people more.
5. I've had enough of Dad. (those of you that understand that will know what I mean. It ends now I'm fed up of it.)
6. I want to create a blog for the new horse I'm getting so I can post about our progress. (I'm SO excited to go see him!!!!)
7. I wanna be WAY more organised, I'm going to get a calendar and make a note of the hours I work and how much I get paid, when I pay rent/insurance/feed for Z and whatnot.
8. I want to take up a couple of new hobbies, Archery, Dog agility and I wanna further my flatwork with the horses.
It seems like a lot..but for a year, I think it's pretty good. This year, I'm going to try and post everyday (though I said that before and didn't lol) but I would like to and I want to make it slightly more structured at the beginning, like saying how I feel and WHY, and most importantly, what I'm going to do to change it if I feel negatively. This is gunna be a new start for me, I'm fed up of making the same reso's each year and failing to stick to them. I WANT to achieve this year and I will.
So, down to the nitty gritty.
I've been really struggling with my lack of internet, I didn't realise quite how much I relied on virtual worlds and people online to help me out when I feel bad. I want to change that, because I should be able to cope by myself at least for a little while.
I've been urgy and really triggered lately but that's okay cause I'm not gunna act on it, I wanna throw a couple of my tools away cause I'm past SI now. That part of my life is over and done with.
Been having some awful dreams mixed in with some crazily weird ones, the nightmares have been affecting me when I'm awake quite a bit, but I'll get over that, I want to type a couple of them out when I have a better connection I feel weird doing it on Dad's computer.
Overall though, I feel surprisingly upbeat, I think not having the net has made me re-evaluate somethings and now I know things need to change and I'm actually okay with that.
I think this year is going to be good, I have two jobs right now and another one coming soon and I'm looking forwards to what the year will bring.
I'm most excited by the fact that I'm buying myself my own horse (which is amazing and yet terrifying!!) It will be MY name on his passport and I will have bought him myself...I'm going to see him a week tomorrow and I'm so amazingly scared yet excited it's amazing. He's a one year old, so a baby basically but there is SO much I can do with him on the ground, I want to do some clicker with him and when he turns two I want to walk out with him like I do with the dogs, so he can explore and get to know the world with me without being afraid of it. I want to teach him about responding to me with pressure points and vocal commands. I want to do everything with him that I'm not allowed to do with Jaffa and I'm so excited to have the option to do it. This is going to be a new start for him and a new start for me, I think that is what I'm most excited about and it's going to give me a long-term plan of things to do.
To be frank, it is something to stay alive for.
Now, this year has been awful for the most part, except the part where I met amazing new friends, became a CMIT and most importantly, I found love.
That sounds SO corny, but it's true.
I am IN love. It scares the bejebus out of me, but I like it. There is so much for us to do and I know it is going to take a long time for us to be really okay with each other physically (most of that is my fault) but we're both okay with that.
I know I don't say it a lot Batman, but I love you so so much. I don't know what I ever did without you, you mean the world to me and when I wake up in the morning to see I have a text from you it automatically makes me start the day with a smile regardless of the night I've had. I struggle to do the whole being emotional about things but already that is changing. In 3 days we will have been together a month and I'm so excited for that to have happened. And now because I'm making myself all teary I'm going to go and eat my pudding while watching the end of primevil.
I love you Batman.
I love you Lit'lun and Genesis.
I love all of you who read my blog in one way or another and I hope this year goes as well for you as I hope it does for me. Stay safe and be strong.
Miste, Fish, U or whatever name you know me by. xx <3
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